Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I just posted in my journal, but I'm still so mad I have to keep talking about it. While talking with him on the phone (yes I know I shouldn't have) I asked him when he checked out and if he ever thought of saying something earlier. He said there were plenty of times he wanted to say something but was afraid I would just poo-poo him or say it was nothing. ME who always tried to get him to communicate his feelings. ME who always tried to get him to tell me if he was unhappy. ME who always worried to him that we were getting in a rut.
What a delusional asshole! I told him that he's redefining our marriage to suit his needs, and that he obviously doesn't have a very high opinion of me and doesn't give me much credit, that he's using me to justify himself, and finally THAT WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ANYMORE.
This is exactly what happened when he had the affair. Put me down to justify yourself screwing somebody else. Don't acknowledge your actions and impact they have on your family because you are a self involved PIG.
Where have I been the last 7 months? Have I really been pining away for this person that has screwed me over royally? Well if I get sad, the only thing I need to do is remember this conversation. I'm pissed! But better yet, I'm ME AGAIN! How could I have let myself be this pitiful victim? WELL NO MORE.
What a delusional asshole! I told him that he's redefining our marriage to suit his needs, and that he obviously doesn't have a very high opinion of me and doesn't give me much credit, that he's using me to justify himself, and finally THAT WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ANYMORE.
This is exactly what happened when he had the affair. Put me down to justify yourself screwing somebody else. Don't acknowledge your actions and impact they have on your family because you are a self involved PIG.
Where have I been the last 7 months? Have I really been pining away for this person that has screwed me over royally? Well if I get sad, the only thing I need to do is remember this conversation. I'm pissed! But better yet, I'm ME AGAIN! How could I have let myself be this pitiful victim? WELL NO MORE.
What some of us learn, is that the ex doesn't think much of us, and that respect that you think he had for you.. well for those with cheaters, that alone is an act of lack of respect. I suggest you quit trying to engage with him and keep asking him the whys. You are not going to get an answer and if you do, it will be the rewritten history one. Believe this, if he did not give you answers or talk about how he felt in the marriage, what makes you think now he is going to talk or give you answers in divorce.
I am one of the few here who had the advantage of counseling, everything said out loud and in some cases hurtful words. It did probably did give me the answers that some of you do not have.. but from my side I will say this, other than saying we did really try to work this out and failed.. I am still divorced like the rest of you. Now I say why I am so healthy is because of me and the work I did to get here.. not answers from him. Work on you, what you want your life to look like, and less time on him and his whys. HUGS
The only thing I had the opportunity to tell my ex during settlement was that I didn't trust him. Even that makes me feel so much better.
You're completely right. He's rewriting your marriage story to suit himself and that's typical behaviour from a cheater.
CowgirlKathi told me about a book called "The Script" by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer. I bought it and read it from cover to cover, open-mouthed, in a very short time. I was blown away at the accuracy of these ladies' discoveries about the behaviour of men who cheat. I highly recommend that you read it if you'd like to understand the process. It helped me come to terms with my divorce more quickly.
Meanwhile on with moving on!
love and hugs
kamary
Hugs to you my friend
Kashmir
hugs to you
cheryl
Then she just had to go there.....
BOOM!
I lit into her with claws drawn, after that I started to realize what had been the norm in our marriage for so long was exactly what she was playing. BULLSHIT!!
Good for you,no longer do you play the role that has been cast for you by others.
Proud of you.