Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I probably did wrong tonight by telling my 18 year old son too much and I haven't shared this on here either. He was telling me that he didn't understand why his 2 older brothers hardly went to his mothers house, and he couldn't see what was wrong with it. I told him that their way of looking at it was that his mother had cheated on me with that man and going over there made them feel like they wrer condoning it. I should have kept my mouth shut then but I told him that the first time his mom left me our oldest son was 6 months old and I came home from work and opened the door to an empty apartment. She had left and took my son and everything with here 1200 miles away,she even emptied the checking account. I had to get a lawyer for each state and I worked 18 hours a day 6 days a week to pay for them. But of course I took her back because of my son. And the second time we split up, she kicked me out and by then we had all 3 boys. I had the code to the answering machine and would hear messages from a guy named Tom saying what a great time he had the night before, and how he couldn't what til next time. But again I couldn't live without my kids so when she got it out of her system I took her back. I told him I only told him this because I'm tired of looking like the bad guy and so he'd know how much I sacrificed for them. I tried to hold back the tears while I told him but I couldn't I don't want my kids to think I'm weak. I told him it doesn't matter if your a man or woman that kind of stuff hurts deeply. I tried all these years to forget all that pain but I guess it all came back to the surface. I just hope I didn't mess up to bad telling him.
You deserve the best of what life has to give. I have no doubt that along the track you will be rewarded 100 fold. You will always be their hero in the real sense.
You help & protect your kids best by teachning them to deal with reality.
You are obligated as a parent to teach them the right way to treat other people.
In your case, you children learn and gain nothing if you fall your on sword in silence
Choosing a different filter might facilitate a different set of goal and result: such as teaching your boys how to recognize a good emotional healthy relationships And how to avoid bad unhealthy relationships. There is the delicate balance of BOTH positive behavior teaching and negative behavior teaching techniques.
Off topic: I mean no offense, but a spouse having serial relationships during marriage and marital separations, are indications to confirm their sexual exclusiveness at conception whether the boys are biological yours.
Hang in there. Stay strong. The wounds take a long time to heal, if ever, when you have been disrespected. Hugs!
Love and hugs
Kamary
My point is, the older children take this reality much harder because they understand the wrong in it. It shatters their view of their parent. It's a lot to process that mom or dad did something really wrong and isn't getting in trouble for it. It makes them question their morals, standards, choices etc.
To this day, she is almost 21 now, she doesn't look at her father the same way. Now with this newest installment of "father of the year" behavior, she has no respect left for him. She tolerates him in small doses because she is so disgusted wiht him. But at the same time, she doesn't or isn't ready, to have him out of her life entirely. That concept still scares her. I have to wonder though, if that feeling will deminish after the wedding. Right now she wants the fairy tale....dad walks her down aisle, dance etc. She wants to pretend things are normal. My heart breaks for her because no matter how much faking we do that day, its going to be awkward.
Right wrong or indifferent - I made it perfectly clear that it wasn't because of anything they did.
My girls love their father, because he is their father. They do not respect him, nor do they trust his words. But that's his own fault - something they have learned because they have been burned. He's still their dad and I brought them up to have respect. They are respectful and thoughtful and I do not think that will ever change no matter what the douchebag does. It matters not to me as I have zero contact, but hopefully it helps them deal with him when they have to.
You are strong, you are caring and you are there for your children. That is what really matters, and showing a bit of emotion is good - shows the boys that it's ok to cry and feel things!!! Men have feelings too and it's ok to show them.