Supervised visitation is the best way to go. If you have someone who you trust and the children know, that person can supervise the visitation so the children are protected from his anger. That way they can see their father in a way that is safe for them. Parks, playgrounds, McDonald's are all places that can be considered for the visit.

Sadly, as much as you want to shield them from the pain of not seeing their dad, you really can't. They have to work through their grief too.

Try to keep them busy during the holidays. Yes, they will miss their dad, but look at the bigger picture--you are getting them out of a dangerous environment. Make plans to do lots of things--so many holiday things that don't cost a dime--caroling, going to church activities, Christmas parades, etc.

Sending hugs!!!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this - but the good thing is he's now out of your home. Even though there might be times when you feel like that's not true. Your girls are your primary concern right now and supervised visits are absolutely the best way to go as Lycesq says.

Hurtin has some great ideas to keep them busy that won't cost a lot. Come here often and welcome. This has been a saving grace for me, as well as many of us here. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but as one of our helping members Cowgirl Kathi always says - it's Hell in the hallway....

Welcome again and many prayers being sent your way.

well, this is my first holiday with our family split up so I don't have many suggestions, just wanted to let you know you weren't alone in this. The first thing my 19 yo daughter said when I had to tell her that her Daddy left was - "what about Thanksgiving? What about Christmas?" Well, we got through Thanksgiving and we will get through Christmas too. She just let me know she went to see a counselor at her college . She said she didn't have the energy to talk anymore about it - I'm just so happy she went. My son keeps telling her - "It'll be different and we'll make it better". Of course a trip to DIsneyland never hurt anyone (except the pocketbook). Hang in there. We're with you !!

You made some big mistakes, join the club and forgive yourself, like you forgave him a million times. My daughter had an abusive husband and a 1 yr old son, he was also a raging alcholic. By making him use court appointed supervision it cost him $65 an hour and he had to give 4 days notice. The result we havent seen him in 16 yrs. He still pays child support, but only to keep his butt out of jail. This type of man is not the father type, their children are possesions. Since I paid for the lawyer, I made sure of my grandsons future. He survived without his dad, I was afraid he would not survive his dads rage and drinking. We are here fo you. YOUR girls will do well if you do well, no life is bump free, not even young ones. Hugs

I love hcard's advice to "forgive yourself like you forgave HIM a milliion times"...that is classic!

Mamacoxx, I'm very sorry that your marriage was not a good one. But I am GLAD that it ended. It is much better for you and your girls to live in a healthy and safe environment - all of you have a brighter future now that he is gone! You ex sounds like a damaged person; anyone with the problems you described is a danger to himself and the people around him.

You can't save him and he may not care enough to save himself. But you are a mother and your first concern in the safety and well being of your kids. You did what you had to do, you took that first difficult step to end your marriage. When you start feeling sad or sorry for the kids not having their dad presnet, just remember ALL THE BAD TIMES. I still have to remind myself of that when I feel a little sad.

You say you made awful mistakes? Guess what? We have ALL done that! You are human, you gave your love and devotion to someone who was undeserving. And now you've stopped. That is a huge victory step for you!

When your little girls ask to see their dad, just explain in the simplest terms that you are doing the best that you can now that their dad can't be there anymore but that you will ALWAYS be there for them. Always.

I suggest that you get some therapy to help yourself to start processing your choices, the abuse you tolerated, and figure out some strategies on how to move forward as a single parent. The abuse is over. You are free. You did the right thing. And you'll keep doing what is right for you and your family.

I hope you find solace and support in this forum - we are here for each other. Welcome to your healing journey!

"""You say you made awful mistakes? Guess what? We have ALL done that! You are human, you gave your love and devotion to someone who was undeserving. And now you've stopped. That is a huge victory step for you!"""

I'd like to echo these words of Iammine. Well done, mamacoxx. I know it wouldn't have been easy to make that decision and to go through all that was necessary to reach the point you're at today. Good on you!

I think the idea of supervised visits for your daughters is great. It will satisfy their need to see him, and stop him from getting out of hand. When the decision whether to see him or not is taken out of their hands, if you had decided there should be no contact, they can be set up for a lifetime of yearning. This way is healthy.

I think it's inevitable that you'll feel a little sad on the special days on the calendar. I like and use the idea of remembering why you made the decision to leave him. When I recall my reasons for leaving, I'm feeling more calm and less sad fairly soon after.

Another idea for dealing with holidays and anniversaries and birthdays is to create new traditions. If you always stayed at home, you could go out. If you always went to Disneyland, go somewhere else. If you always baked the same foods, cook something new and exciting. Play different holiday games, go for a hike, give gifts to charity together etc etc.

Give your girls freely your own love and compassion, and try hard to bring laughter into their lives often. I they'll love their new life which is free of the tension that violence brings.

love and hugs
kamary