Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi all -
I need advice on how to handle upcoming family events such as funerals, weddings, high school graduations, etc. for my ex's family members. This matters because of my daughter, who is soon to be a senior in college. I don't really have much of a connection now with any of my ex's immediate family members, i.e. his mom, his sisters and brother. I do stay in touch with several of his cousins who I've always been closer to than his immediate family. (I know, strange but true.) Anyway, there will be some family events that will be happening in the near future and I'm just wondering how to handle. My mother-in-law just turned 90 and probably won't last too much longer. When she passes, I know that the question will come up as to whether I will go to her funeral. I have no desire whatsoever to attend her funeral. She singlehandedly caused more trouble for me personally as well as each of her children and her husband, now deceased. Just not a nice person at all. Very selfish. Mean. You get the picture. But, I want to do what's right for my daughter. What kind of statement am I making to her if I don't go. How is that going to make her feel? I know that if I go, it will be extremely awkward. I haven't seen any of his immediate family members since we divorced. No one will know what to say. Or everyone will talk about everything BUT the divorce, which will be even stranger. That day will not be about me or our divorce. It will be about my mother-in-law. I personally think it would be best for me not to be there. But, what do you all think? Any experience, good or bad, with attending the ex's family events? How did it go?
I need advice on how to handle upcoming family events such as funerals, weddings, high school graduations, etc. for my ex's family members. This matters because of my daughter, who is soon to be a senior in college. I don't really have much of a connection now with any of my ex's immediate family members, i.e. his mom, his sisters and brother. I do stay in touch with several of his cousins who I've always been closer to than his immediate family. (I know, strange but true.) Anyway, there will be some family events that will be happening in the near future and I'm just wondering how to handle. My mother-in-law just turned 90 and probably won't last too much longer. When she passes, I know that the question will come up as to whether I will go to her funeral. I have no desire whatsoever to attend her funeral. She singlehandedly caused more trouble for me personally as well as each of her children and her husband, now deceased. Just not a nice person at all. Very selfish. Mean. You get the picture. But, I want to do what's right for my daughter. What kind of statement am I making to her if I don't go. How is that going to make her feel? I know that if I go, it will be extremely awkward. I haven't seen any of his immediate family members since we divorced. No one will know what to say. Or everyone will talk about everything BUT the divorce, which will be even stranger. That day will not be about me or our divorce. It will be about my mother-in-law. I personally think it would be best for me not to be there. But, what do you all think? Any experience, good or bad, with attending the ex's family events? How did it go?
I am trying to cut all ties but i do not have children.
I talked to who still likes me and said i was sorry and
Left it there.
They still like my ex sil because she has Children.
The same ones that wont speak to me like her. She
Did not make a stink and remarried.
We talk about it at divorce care, even with children
It isnt always possible. children are usually the pawns
In the family dramas.
When my parents got divorced we were too unless
my father was involved then he would take us and we
Were welcome when that stopped happening forget it.
We were Divorced children.
This advice is coming from someone who doesn't do funerals. If you have no close ties with his immediate family would you really need to go to a funeral of his relatives?
Your daughter is now a young adult. Her likes, dislikes and ideas of what is appropriate are her own.
I've attended two funerals and one memorial service. After my dad's funeral I said I would never attend another one. I did not go to my mother's funeral. I did not attend my sister's funeral. I just had surgery and had to be in court three days later. I live several states away from any realtives. My daughter was the first of my siblings children to graduate high school. She sent announcements to all my relatives. Her graduation wasn't acknowledged by any of them. They never sent presents to my children at Christmas and I always sent their children presents. I finally quit trying to have family in my life.
If she feels like she's walking into the lion's den, and really wants you there, you have a choice to make.
For me, even if I'm angry, disappointed, hurt or upset with people, I can always behave politely; say please and thank you, behave myself and hold my tongue long enough to be there for people I love. And that would be why you are there, for the daughter and cousins you love.
Good manners can see us through anything with grace. Pick your mantra, whether it's "I'm here for my daughter.....I'm here for my daughter....," or "59 minutes and counting.....58 minutes and counting....57 minutes and counting....." LOL
Don't forget that most people are selfish and self involved, especially dysfunctional ones. If you stay calm, polite and low key, they won't be thinking about you much, if at all.
Your daughter is going into college. She will be with her family when her MIL passes, so I am assuming she will get comfort from her dad's family.
If you do decide to go for you, no one will be talking about the divorce. While we still dwell I have found most people have long moved on.
When I divorced, my entire family of ex's turned their backs and I was never again recognized as a part of the family for 30 years. Never invited to weddings, parties, holidays or even called on the phone. I think that was overboard, but it made it very easy on me. No decisions to make.
My daughters made their own decisions has to go or not and usually opted out. I never said a word one way or the other. Although dad gave them guilt, guilt, guilt lectures that tended to prevent their attendance.
Divorce means they are no longer part of your family, but some are still your friends. Let your heart guide you.
As for my MIL - I love her. I still go see her and speak to her several times a week on the phone. We are very close and I will go to her services if I'm able. When that happens I hope a long time from now, I will hold my head up high, because I have nothing to be ashamed about. That feeling of humiliation like you failed at something - is your own baggage. Check it at the door.
I have a wedding next year that I will have to attend and in all honesty, I heard about it and anxiety came in, but I'll manage it and just try to avoid my ex and his wife. If he approaches me....well, I haven't got that one pinned down yet, but I'll be prepared for that as well. He's too much of a coward, so I'm probably worrying for nothing about that LOL.
Just remember, you have already been through the toughest part. And if I remember correctly you still even speak to your ex - so you've got this sister. No worries.
The card that was on the flowers said: Rest in piece xxxxx .God Bless. Bob.
I wasn't planning on going to wake , but last minute I decided to go. My son , my x , and sil came up to me and thanked me for coming and for the flowers. For an hour or so I was with my grandchildren playing some games. Now, I feel that all her family saw the flowers and card.......... and me . My feelings at the time and NOW are that I did something that I wanted to do because I thought it was the right thing to do . my son was thankful and showed him that no matter what , I put myself above that hate and anger and went ......for respect for him and his grandmother. To this day I think it was the right thing to do.
My x might have left me, her family stopped talking to me, I was hurt and angery , but I didn't let them change the caring person that I always was. I pout myself above that.
If you don't want to go I think flowers would be appropriate.
M
Just my feelings ....!!!!!! Bob