I personally think the specific details are none of her business.

But if you feel the need to help her understand how manipulating he is, then yes I would.

What I try to do is explain in general how manipulation works and the types of things manipulating people do so they she can recognize it on her own. Never mention that her dad does this. Hoping she'll figure it out on her own.

One thing that is helping is that she's thinking she might like to be a Psych major. She learning all kinds of things in her psych classes that are opening her eyes to behaviors and techniques people use to get what they want. I'm hoping she'll see her dad in one of those descriptions!

Why don't you paint the inside of the house. It's not that hard to do and all you have to do is pay for the paint.

Normally, I would. But I have very high ceilings and stairs, and a 6' ladder.

I tell my kids my situation as in ..... sorry i don't have $ for that right now it is a different world from what it was.
They don't ask beyond that, if they do, I'll tell the world (my world) as it is now.
If they ask beyond that I'll tell this is what I have to manage now and these are the choices / priorities that i have to to consider


i know that she manipulates and tries to knead them like dough , give them stories not facts
for now I stick the the facts of here and now, i avoid HOW we----well she and her boyfriend got us all to the here and now

I hope that they can think for themselves, that they can decide too hot, too cold & just right for themselves
and more importantly that they have a lens of principles and morals to view the world through AND act by
and for their sake I hope they never look too closely at 2012 - 2013 & 2014 and how different someone acted compared to how that person claimed to act

Have you thought about painting everything you can and just higher him for the high parts ?

About your daughter perhaps you should get professional advice. I can't give personal advice on your daughter as my separation and divorce had a devastating affect on my son.

I wish I could of handled it all better for his sake but I was a bit of basket case with shock. He went from happy loving stable family to Dad is gone and mom is in her room crying all the time .....

.I couldn't help it but I should of gotten professional guidance cause there whole world is shattered too....and maybe they can't handle seeing either parent badly.... just a thought

I meant hire....LOL now that would be me working 10 hour days this week it affected my spelling

Oh by the way for your ceilings you just by a pole at home depot that screws into the roller and you can adjust the length as high as you need and they are really cheap and you don't need a ladder......I have designed and built 4 custom homes. Start to finish and hope to get my GC license soon.

Anything house you can ask me. It may actually give you an empowered feeling....like it does me.....like driving a skid steer bobcat does that for me..... I'm like OK who needs a man !!!! I just cleared my own land and built a house !!!!!

Goldengir

I offer my two cents worth. I learned this the hard way and only wish to pass on what I learned after I made mistakes.

What your x is doing is unfair, cruel and infuriating and it does not involve your daughter. Your marriage was between you and husband.

Your family was all three of you. No matter how much of a smuck your husband is being, he is the only father your daughter will have. At her age and maturity, she is more that capable of deciding what she wants her relationship with her father to be. She has her own life to stress about, she does not need to take on your burdens as well.

Refrub's words " i don't have $ for that right now" are bang on.". I truly believe that all our children need to know is that the expense is or is not in the budget. Their lives have changed too and it is important to remember this.

As much as you want to tell her, I really believe you can't. I involved my daughter in it and by doing so I inadvertently caused her to see herself as my "parent". Fortunately she was in counselling at the time and her psychologist set me straight!

Vent all you need to on this forum, but please for your daughter's sake don't burden her with his awful behaviour.

Hugs

"It is important to ME for her to know how HE operates," surely will target you as the bearer of sabotaging or modifying any fatherly IMAGE she might have. That is what you're really dealing with. This is not just about his financial manipulations being inappropriate and controlling towards you. If you are contemplating the details of an explanation to seek the result of her opposing her fatherly image, you might gain rebellion.

You might would prefer rather an intervention which maintains and inspires a separate relationship between you and her in spite of her father's influencing malicious input. My question is, whatever fatherly image she presently has, as long as his "impressionable" influence does not physically endanger her well being, as in having some dysfunctional substance abuse, what's the point?

If in general, you want to teach your young daughter "What To Look- Out For vs. What To Look For" in her [keyword] future up-coming love relationships, then you impress upon her what responsible love does: protects and provides.

Keep your daughter out of it.

I'm of two minds about this situation. For myself, my boys were 17, 19 and 20 when "the mess" first started. They knew what their dad did (cheat) because it was such a disaster at home, I fell apart, and he had just 'reunited' with me after several coming and goings over the previous year, and then WHAMO told me there was someone else. Damn straight they all heard the fall-out! No way around it.

Soooooo. Your stbx is an ass, not paying what you expect etc etc. Your daughter is your child and yet...she is a young adult. Her life is being affected by his lack of contribution. For the most part, I think that she should know this. The FACTS that is. Not saying that her dad is 'this' or 'that' ...well you know!

Seems to me that you need her help. For instance, she could paint, along with a friend maybe? You NEED her help. And she should provide it! It's her home too! WHY you need her and can't afford a painter? Tell her you can't afford it. She gets why!

I suppose you could 'protect' her from the truth but....it is what it is! She's a young adult. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll be able to handle some version of what her dad is doing. With no name calling if possible! Good luck