Aaah, Shorty, you have reached another milestone and that is, realizing that you (like so many of us) manufactured excuses for your x's behavior! It still amazes me why I never thought to look up any of these types of helpful books during the 30 years I spent with my X!

Now, you have to reach a new point of acceptance and forgiveness. I found that until I was able to forgive myself for not knowing what was really going on, it was impossible to even entertain the notion of forgiving my X.

The bigger lesson here is that as much as we may want to, we cannot fix anyone but ourselves.

I loved that book during my self help phase of this divorce. I should probably re-read it again. You are reacting normally, and seeing he was WRONG is a huge step. Follow CK's advice and work towards accepting what you cannot change, take heed to recognize the warnings so you don't allow it to happen again, and forgive yourself...you were abused by a skilled abuser.

Now, whatever you do, DON"T do as I have been doing these last three months and self medicate with chocolate and cake. It's not sexy. You deserve to treat yourself better.

Part of the conditioning that the ex did to you, is to refer to yourself as Stupid. You are not stupid. Stop using self depreciating words about yourself...because you are worth more than that. Verbal abuse is something that destroys your self esteem and has you start believing some of the things that they tell you. This was a break through book, published awhile ago, and is still a bible for verbal abuse. We all should own our part in our marriages, but no one should believe that it all what we did or did not do.

Mr. Nice guy I was married to, was behind closed doors verbally abusive. NO ONE would believe me, who can stand up for herself and hold my own in any disagreement, that I would cower and let him scream at me. What I did not believe, and my therapist was right, that it almost alway if left too long, will go to physical abuse. He would back in my corner and scream at me when he could not longer control himself. He was 6 ft, and me 5 one inch. I was afraid. He was always very upset with himself when he lost control, and that one of the things he addressed in therapy. He did suffer from depression, and that is a factor, not an excuse.

Another helpful book is by Lundy Bancroft. Why does He Do That?, inside the minds of angry and controlling men. It may give you some insight into men that behave this way, and help you make sure that you do not repeat history and end up with another. One thing I believe is that you should put a lid on figuring him out after divorce, set a time frame. One thing is for some, they spend a lifetime after divorce working on him, make sure that you are really figuriing out you. For you are wonderful, smart and should figure that out. Rebuild who you are, not so much about who he was! Love you and make sure you choose yourself and who you want to be with wisely! HUGS

I used to think the reason my x acted like he did was because he got it from his father then I went to drugs then I even went as far as to say oh he is just trying to deal with the outside world again after being in prison for 2 years. I now know that all of the above stems from him not loving himself or maybe I should say loving himself too much, being selfish and not knowing or caring how to love others. if his love for others don't benefit him he will not even try. I've given so many reasons I can't remember them all.

I went through this not to long ago. It was like a light bulb being switched on. When I realized that..it was him and not me..(.thats not to say I'm not owning my part)...I felt anger towards myself as well for buying into his garbage. During the relationship he would constantly criticize me and put me down...I always fell short so I continually tried harder or I tried different angles but it never was enough. Now that I've worked through alot of my self anger..when you know better you do better...its like I'm free. I'm not carrying such a heavy mental and emotional load. I know I'm going to be okay. Way to go Shorty...if its anything like what I went through you have just made a huge breakthrough in your recovery. You wont look at the past in the same light as you did. This is wonderful and I'm very happy for you...Big Hugs...Kathy

Well said MsTerey "Part of the conditioning that the ex did to you.." I agree. Stupid...NO! Most of us has painfully tried tolerating the labeling from abusive spouses for the motive to glue the marriage. In the end and no wonder, the marriage doesn't work, these abusive persons are pathologically AGAINST your better character.
You are learning to acknowledge your good character AND are learning to protect your character against those who speak disapproval of you. I say, who are you going to believe and be define by? Certainly, not from any fallen broken person who is dyfunctionally mental!

You were led to believe everything ex said. little by little. My did the same thing. I never realized how much control I gave up to him. So afraid of even going out with friends. I lost most of them. you are starting to rediscover yourself and what you are capable of doing. It will be a rough road, but you will do it.

I have recommended The Verbally Abusive Relationship book to lots of DS'ers. When I read it, I felt like I'd just gotten a get out of jail free card. I had blamed myself for so long about my ex's verbal abuse and bought into his BULLSHIT that I was so terrible--NEVER AGAIN!

It is a fantastic book--a must read for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship.

Thanks everyone. I like the get out of jail free card description. My feelings exactly. I've dreaded meeting him on the street because I know his M.O. After getting this "repreve" that fear is gone--he would smart if he avoided me and not tried his stare down intimidation. I really appreciate all the support you have all given me over the last couple years. You are better than most families!!!

Shorty, we are better than most families because we ARE YOUR REAL FAMILY! Remember what I always say "Your true family isn't always related to you!"