I didn't have my own close friends either. Mutual friends were people he liked. I socialized with his family and mine. I took an enrichment class in the evenings to give my brain a rest from the endless mind chatter. By learning something new I got a break. I also joined some hiking and dining groups on meetup.com. Made new friends that way who didn't know the Ex so the didn't pry. Sorry you feel so isolated. Coming here is a first step in the right direction. Welcome to the group

Yes, welcome to this supportive and caring group. I am only separated for 7 months after a 34 year marriage which my husband ended and I was shocked and devastated. But I went to a therapist and attended Divorce Care and a Rebuilding class. I also read a lot of divorce books (ways to deal with the pain, etc.) and also joined some meetup.com groups. I tried to do anything to relieve the pain and anguish. I immersed myself in my job and did all of those things I wrote about above but first spent 3 months in bed at my parents' home in shock and unable to function. I had to take a medical leave of absence for 3 months from work. I went to a doctor for antidepressants and antianxiety meds. Now I am doing so much better - still have years of healing to go- but compared to 7 months ago I am a different person. I felt hopeless and suicidal then but now have good days where I feel happy. Then a few bad days come but it will change to good again.

Whatever you are feeling - it is normal. This group helps so much by telling others what is normal and expected and offering encouragement and support throughout the hellish process of separation and divorce. I will not be divorced until the fall because in NC you must be separated one year before a divorce can be filed for. So I know that I will definitely need more support then and I know this group will be there for me. Please remember that and write on this forum whenever you need advice, support or virtual hugs. You will never believe how much this group can help you cope with your losses.

Try to find ways that will help you get through this time and reach out to others and share this with people you trust. You need to do whatever it takes to maintain your sanity and function every day. This is not an easy road but you have no choice. That helped me to realize that I do not have a choice in this decision my husband made and so I must make the best of it somehow. My best friend told me "How can you let one person on our planet of over 6 billion people make you not want to live your life?" She was right and eventually you will feel better too.

Welcome to our group!!
Hugs,
Donna

You will find that friends you made together aren't necessarily choosing her side – but no side. This is extremely uncomfortable for them too. Asking them to pick sides will only alienate them further. Make it clear that you don’t expect them to take sides, but support your need for companionship. If they ask about the divorce discuss it. If they want to talk about their lives, children, sports stay on those subjects. This will be trial and error for them too.

Hello trytorebuild,
My story is similar, wife had affair that started in the 24th year of our marriage, she choose diviorce.
We live in a small town, she works in public setting, she is well known in town, I work 30 mikes away .,.0out town friends are through her, even my group of buds
dropped me like the plague.
We have kids so the infidelity is secret, so I look like a drone,
Or the cheater because I am the one that is depressed and looks it,

My shitstorm started in April 2013, it still rages s we haven't settled yet.

Get help, find a counselor, find a priest or reverend, Get a lawyer,
Find a few people you can talk it all out with,
I didn't want to tell anybody , I think that is the way most people fell, but keeping it to yourself will drag you under,

Keep posting here, the replies that people offer are insightful, genuine and heartfelt .
I got through my lowest points by posting here

Don't beat yourself up because your wife went apeshit,
You didn't cause it she choose it ,
You'll probably not ever get the reasons why,
(That part is still really hard for me to accept)

Get yourself some help, I take sleeping pills a few nights a week still to get some rest .
I started an exercise program, helps me sleep and eat,
I considered antidepressants, got the script, took for a few days and then stopped
With counseling and exercise, sleep and eating better I didn't need them.
No shame if I did, no shame if you need them for a bit

Hang in there

Big hugs, mate. The early days are hard, and what you're feeling is perfectly normal.

I lost almost an entire Rotary Club, including the couple we did most things with. Turns out that couple don't see him now, either, so I do agree they don't want to pick sides but some people simply can't 'do' difficulty. This club has also 'forgotten' one prominent and long-time member's widow!

The best thing I found was to get out and do what I liked doing. I asked a woman friend if she'd like to walk with me and we did that for an hour almost every day for 3 years. Others enjoyed a cuppa at a coffee shop, others liked going to the movies with me. Do you have any old hobbies you don't do any more? Can they be done with a club or a group of some sort? I joined Red Hats Society and that kept me going with fun and laughter and provided a new avenue for meeting new people. Volunteering is one of the best things to do because it makes you feel good about yourself as well as helps others. Another thing I did was enrol for adult education. Going to classes and doing the work kept me busy, taught me something I wanted to know, and I met more people as well.

Broken has a point in that thinking about why and feeling bad all the time isn't a good thing. You know she did the wrong thing. It was her choice and you couldn't do anything about another person's choice. You could try limiting the amount of time you allow yourself to think about it, then put up that old STOP sign and make yourself think and do something else.

Exercise, eat well, use pills if you have to to get some sleep. I used herbal ones and meditation music at bedtime. Also flower essences (herbal and natural). My therapist steered me towards mindfulness (living in the moment) which is one of THE most beneficial things I've learned since I've been free of my ex. I wish I'd learned about it years ago.

The main thing is to know that this will pass. Once you've finalised the divorce and don't have to have any contact with her, you'll feel free again and will find your new path forward.

love and hugs
kamary

Welcome. So sorry you find yourself here but you have found a great place to vent and get support and information. I, too, was left after 26 years together due to his infidelity. I also had young kids at the time, so it was difficult.

Therapist and lawyer are a must so you take care of yourself. Even if divorce hasn't been discussed yet, just seek advice so you know what you are entitled to. Nothing has to be done overnight. Exercising may help with the sleeping. I, too, had to be put on medication for awhile after the shoe dropped. It helped me tremendously.

Remember in all this, you did nothing wrong. You are just left with the bi-product of her poor decisions. It's a selfish act and not much thought ever goes into the loyal spouse left behind. They do this to satisfy their own flaws.

Keep checking in here. There is always someone to lend a caring hand or ear. Know that you are not alone in all this.

Hugs!

Once you detect those "mutual" friends had willingly chosen to withhold information [a form of alienation ] from your knowledge, you may have to reassess your definition of friendship. Generally, the mission of their loyalty is to protect her from exposure rather than to protect you. Unfortunately, their choice of action can put you at risk of being vulnerable. What you do know, your wife more likely deliberately neglected to tell them accurately the good about the marriage, for it contradicts the justification of her having an affair. It's a form of rewriting the marital history which results in influencing others to alienate you. It's no wonder they have little to say. Meanwhile, as you unravel the decision whether to divorce or not, stay polite. The emotional road is rocky but do stay grounded.

PS. Now is a good time to get your ducks in order and protect your legal rights and finances. Your spouse had relinquished her marital role.

Hello tryingtoreb,
I'm sorry that you're going through this and .....................Well...................It's not easy my new friend.
It's not going to BE easy either .
The good news is ..................there will be an end ..................someday you WILL feel better .

Reading your post is like looking back 6 years ago with mine . Mostly the same . I have a few extra hardships that I had to deal with , but mostly the same as yours and some other people here . Lost what I thought were true friends (40 year friends ) . Family turned away........ etc., etc..
It’s been 7 years now and it took some time ...al ot tears .......... A lot of excepting reality. But I’m much better.

You ask : what can I do .................
Well............ First realise that you are going to feel bad at times .... You will cry ...... That’s all normal and expected .
You have to try to fnd things to go or places to go that will bring you some temporally pleasure , happiness or just to get your mind off the problem for a while .
You have to force yourself to go , because you won’t want to !!!!!! Support groups help.......Like here on D&S. Meet up groups ......... Singles places ..... Therapist is a must as far as I’m concerned .... Church....... If you believe !
Start making some other plans in your life .........
Remember laying around is not going to change things or help you .......... When you wake up .......... They’re still there ......... Get as much support from whomever you can .
All of us here know how you feel ............ We’re your best friends now .............. We understand ........
And why did this all happen to you .................. To me ........... To all of us here ????????????????????
Who knows my friend ........
This life plays tricks on us .............and we have to deal with them...
Like I said before ..................... It will get better Right now you must do everything possible to get through this ..........
OK................. Do your best .................. Got to go for now .......
I’m here if you want to write ............ANYTHING !!!!
Timeman

Welcome, sorry you are in this place. It's an awful place to be in. First, of all, it's most likely not that people are avoiding you, or are not your friends, it's more likely that you are hiding from everyone. When you get left behind like that, it's humiliating. It's early in the process and you are just beginning. Please be gentle with yourself. Grieve the loss of your marriage, and spend some alone time.

You know who your friends are, and who you can rely on. If you feel like reaching out - do so. Mostly people just don't know what to say.

When my ex left, I hid myself from the world. Luckily, I did have a strong group of friends who simply checked in on me from time to time, but for the most part, I wanted to be alone.

Now it's 3 years since he left and things are so much better. I didn't lose anyone at all. I still am family as far as my in-law family is concerned and in fact, I speak to my MIL about 4 times a week and am planning a 10 day trip to visit her in April.

Things may look bleak right now, but they don't necessarily have to be. Reach out and feel the waters. Remember - you should not feel humiliated or ashamed - she should. Granted, she's probably gotten to everyone by now and told them lies, but you can always set the record straight if the subject ever comes up. Call a buddy, go golfing - have a beer and a burger and know that this is not forever.

(((Hugs)))

Hi there im new to group I was married 21 years and have a 21 year old autidtic son...I left with him when my husband got involved with drugs...I ended up being forced to get a restraining order for 12 months and to relocate to a nearby town...its been deveststing and lonely. ..but they say everything happens for a reason...my daughter says my ex hit bottom has full time w Irk again and is attending outpstient rehad with reg meetings...so if I take this time to improve myself....for myself....without living and breathing for my husband...mabye there will still be the man I knew once upon a time...even if we only remain dear friends...what im saying is take carevof you...dont be alone...help at a soup kitchen to avoid being alone...because we are worth it and need to learn to love ourselves...first and foremost. ..I started my own company....its terrifing but is filling the void and boosting my low self image.