I haven't been on DS in a long, long time but lately I've been feeling like I need to and what a wonderful surprise to see the familiar names and words of support still being offered. Sld1, Nightengayle, MsTerey, sfsoccermom, Tea4, CowgirlKathy and sooo many more....

I think the last time I was on, I had just gotten through the actual divorce where the judge basically said screw me and gave everything the cheating bastard wanted to him. Some might remember that the bastard got me pregnant with out 3rd baby and then left my while I was pregnant for one of my best friends. Then the man, and I use that word loosely, proceeded to make my life hell on earth. I went through emotional hell, was hospitalized, had a pregnancy that was filled with problems, although the baby somehow came out perfect! Anyway, it was a bloody nightmare and I was sure that my attorney was going to take him to the cleaners but she actually hurt my case than helped and I still owe her her fees!

Anyway, my reason for writing is to wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I think about you all frequently. I am in no way recovered from my divorce which was final in Feb although he had actually left a year and a half before. The divorce was probably one of the most traumatics as divorces go. I took it all VERY hard. And after years of drugs and counseling and self reflection and every other kind of therapy you can think of including hypnosis, I still feel like I have a long way to go.

But I will not discount the progress I've made. I used to suffer horrible anxiety attacks, days of crying, I couldn't talk to him or sometimes others because I never knew what they might say that would trigger an anxiety episode. I could not talk to my kids about their time with their dad. I was a complete basket case when it came to anything regarding him, our divorce, our marriage, or our past. I'm not cured by any means, but today, I can go a week without crying. I can let my children tell me about what they did with their dad, although I am gritting my teeth the entire time. I have gone from panic attacks 5 to 6 times a day to 1 or 2 every 2 days. I'm still not where I want to be. But Baby I've come a long way...

So my point is this, for those of you who have been here helping me and helping countless others through this horrible time, I bow down to you and thank you with all my heart. I can't begin to say how much it was all worth it to me. You have literally saved my life many times over and that is the truth. I thank you dearly!

For those of you on the journey I am on and maybe where I was not to long ago, please hang in there. The holidays are especially hard for all of us it can be daunting. In all honesty I was such a zombie walking through life and just going through the motions the first couple of years I hardly even remember those first couple of Christmas'. But hang in there. There are times when you feel overwhelmed with the unfairness and the anger and the just plain wrongness of it all! I still to this day sit back in awe thinking , "My God, I'm a divorced woman!" Where did it all go wrong? But I'm slowly coming to be able to say that with some resolution in my voice. Remember this, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Beyond the pain there is healing. There is always a fall that bounces us into a more enlightened future. The pain does get easier. It's still there for me, but it's tolerable now. I have to say that 2009 was a year of distancing for me. I distanced my emotions, my fears, my turmoils from my past. I have been on "auto-pilot" for the year. But next year is my year to actually start MY life. Who knows what it will bring but I look forward to it with some excitement, some fear and some curiosity. Finances are an issue as I'm sure it is for most but I want to make this year a year to get stable and set my new life in order. Some of you might remember I lost my nursing job at the same time as all this mess. But we are fighters. We can overcome. We can be knocked down but in the end we will get back up and continue the fight. Because we have each other and we are women and men who know each others pain and we are caring and have a heart. There's a future. There's some relief around the corner. Hang in there. You are loved.

Lots of hugs and a Happy Holidays to all of you! Stay strong!