Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I just realized something today. I've been thinking about everything thats gone on, what he's said and listening to a lot of different advice. I realize now that my husband actually quit on our marriage 10 years ago. He stopped caring about me, stopped showing me love and respect, starting doing his own thing and creating a life for himself. I think for the past 10 years he's been telling himself that all he has to do is wait for our youngest to be 18 then he can leave. And that's exactly what he did. One month almost to the day after our son turned 18 he told me he didn't love me anymore. I think he thought if he just stuck around to be there for his kids, then when it came time to leave he would be the "hero" for sticking it out for his kids. Only it backfired because they hate him for what he's done. On my birthday 9 years ago he didn't even acknowledge the day - not with a card or a gift or even a word. I remember this because we were on our way back from a 4 day trip up north. That same year he didn't acknowlege Mothers Day. I realize now that it's because I didn't matter to him, even back then. So I ask myself (and I asked him) what was the last 10 years then - a lie? Was he just using me for the sex and the mother figure? In all those years I beg and pleaded with him to try and save our marriage. I wrote letters, I wrote poems, I sat him down with one on one talks and not once did he tell me what he was thinking. Even 3 years ago I said to him, "it feels like all you're doing is waiting for the kids to get old enough before you leave" and he replied "I have no plans to leave". But he did. He did have plans to leave when our son turned 18. All these years he convinced himself that 18 was the magic number and when it came he knew it was time to go. I will never understand the reason why. I will never understand why he didn't talk to me, why he didn't give us a chance - why he quit on us.
fatallove
10 years seems to be a popular number. I read that men who leave often report that they have been unhappy for 10 years. That's what my stbx said to me. He said he knew our relationship changed 10 years ago when my daughter was born. He said I changed. When I asked him why he never said anything he said he was just waiting to see what would happen. I asked him why he would have more children with me and he said it was in hopes that things got better. When he left he referred to it as 'finally having the balls to leave', nice huh? During all that time he was supposedly so unhappy, he never said a word. On occasions when I had been upset about something and we had discussed our relationship issues I asked him several times if he was happy or if he had anything he wanted to discuss about me and his answer was always that he was perfectly happy and I was the one that seemed to be unhappy. A few years ago he bought me diamond earrings for our anniversary. There were always flowers and cards, I had no idea. I ask myself all the time- why didn't he just say something. Would it have made a difference if he had? I know everyones story is tragic, but mine has another twist in it that I'm actually going to write in my journal about but I think for me, if I had known how he felt, things would have been so different. Check out my journal for more.
deleted_user
My stbx prided himself on wanting to "talk". When it came to the last ?2years? he never said anything...then last Oct he said he met someone...I knew he wasn't happy, nor was I, but I was waiting to have the empty nest that was about to happen for us to "find us again"...I guess I just waited too long, although he had already "left" me long before that.
deleted_user
My stbx never liked confrontation i think it is the guilt that keeps them from saying anything. I too have sat him down to have heart to heart talks and he just listens and takes it all in and never opens up. Then wehn he did say something he said you know you are the only one that has ever mentioned the D word. I told him it is because he dosnt have the balls to do it. I loved him so much that to me it was better to let him go then for me to keep suffering. I was lonely when I had him and I'm still lonely with out him .
deleted_user
I wish he would have just said 3 years ago I dont love you any more instead of having me keep trying to fix a realationship he no longer wanted. I would have made my life alot easier .
deleted_user
There is something about the 10 years thing. My stbx stated that he had not been happy for the last 10 years. When I asked him why he didn't leave 10 years ago when I was younger and more able to find someone else he said he had "toughed it out" for the kids. I pointed out vacations and other events over the past ten years where he appeared to be having a wonderful time...he said nothing. The girls pointed this out to him as well and told him that, if he has been lying to us for the past ten years about being happy when he wasn't, then how do we know he isn't lying to us now. I thought this was a good point. I find it very interesting that he waited until he had someone else to go to before confessing his longterm unhappiness...how convenient for him. Anyway, my counselor told me that alot of men will rewrite history in order to justify their leaving and ten years seems to be a popular number. Hang in there.
deleted_user
Same story different a-hole here too... Geez wonder if there is some website somewhere that all these jerks get on and contemplate storys. One guy stumbles upon the 10 years theroy and they all get on the band wagon...ha ha. Really it is just sad, but at some point I just told myself to get up off the pity party train and start living. I have been going at it with him off and on for 3 years and this last go round has lasted 8 months. This time I took the iniative and filed and asked him to leave. It is hard but damnit being alone has got to be better than this!! Keep you chin up ...sending strength and hope your way! .................Yes I have reached the point where I have hope again ..not for my marriage....but for ME!
deleted_user
It has been so nice to reaad the responses here..these could have all been my marriage.. and I am the one who found the balls to leave the marriage and file.. there was no doubt that we were both miserable.. and I guess we could have continued on like strangers living in the same house.. but you know I decided life was too short.. I didn't want to wake up one day and hate myself for not giving me a chance to find real happiness...what ever that is..and honestly I loved him enough to want him to be happy too.. and I knew I was not the one to bring that to him..he wants a life that involves alot of drinking and partying...but that is not what I want...those are too totally different life styles..so we are no more....
deleted_user
All my story too. I had the "balls" to kick him when I found the affair had started up again, afterward,he "said" he wanted to work on the marriage but his actions spoke differently. I, once again had to be the one to let him go. Let him off the hook, why did I keep punishing myself for 3 years trying everything to save the marriage and he did nothing?
deleted_user
I think I can also vote for the last 10 years. He has never said anything but then never has. Perhaps it has been longer, don't know for him or really for me. I know all long relationships does start out "In Love" and changes to the respect, loyalty ,family thing,etc. Maybe that is why they say they love us but not in love? Guess I feel that to and playing house. But I agree that if they were really UNhappy why didn't they want to put in the work to reconnect. It may be easier just to go. Mine is still around almost every other day but to be friends only. Never says a word about US and I know not to as we would just argue and he would never do anything that had to do with emotions, intamicy, or romance. So I live in limbo/Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Sure alot of confussion and soul searching here. Thanks to all and Lord see us through for those stronger, happier days.
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