You are not alone in this. The same thing happened to me. I was married for 33 years and I constantly told my ex that I loved him, wanted to spend our future healthy and happy with our kids and grandkids, etc. And all the while he didn't love me anymore. Didn't for quite awhile but he never told me. I denied the little signs and went on in my fairy tale I had always built up. Then he left me over the phone and told my kids that he had been so unhappy but couldn't leave because of the family. He told them he had to leave because I was causing him to dread coming home and to start having a drink in the middle of the night because he was so anxious and miserable. His parting words to me were "Who would ever want to be with you?" - such cruel and unnecessary words from someone that I loved for so long. All the time I thought he loved me like I did him. What a fool I felt like and sometimes still do. We have absolutely no contact for 2 years now and I got the divorce papers in the mail 6 months ago. It has been so hard to deal with this because I have dearly loved him for almost 40 years. I know intellectually that this is probably the best thing that has happened because I feel less anxious now. I realize now that I hadn't been relaxed for a long time. Maybe deep down I knew. I know exactly how you feel. Just try to keep thinking that he is one person and his thoughts and actions don't really matter anymore. You are special and others think so. Why let one person destroy your good feelings?
Hugs to you,
Donna

I am so glad the divorce is over that was brutal,
It was all about money and possessions.

I have gone no contact that is helpful, at least there
Is healing and detaching.

Its still not easy yet nothing Compared to the seperation
and divorce phase.

Now at least there is closure and a divorce decree

(((( hugs))))))

PU, I don't know if your stbx is the same as mine, but mine used to pretend he was sad about our split so that people would still like him. He even managed some crocodile tears!! So they wouldn't see him as cold and unfeeling. And so that they wouldn't twig to the fact that he was already with someone else when I left him. So that they would feel sorry for him! So that he wouldn't be seen as the bad guy.

From what you've told us about how your stbx has treated you so far, I would not believe a word he says. If he didn't want to be unkind, why did he insist on all those forwarded emails?! Why has he delayed settlement? Why did he say all those cruel things? No, he is pretending to the attorney that he is a man of honour, and to date, he has not acted like a man of honour at all.

The attorney has expressed her opinion as to why he doesn't want to reveal his address. That doesn't mean she is right. I think he is trying very hard to hide the reality of his situation and I would not be surprised to discover down the track that things are not as rosy for him as you imagine.

I agree with sciteacher. He is one person and his words and opinions (honest or not) no longer count. There are many people who do love you and value you. Spend your time with them and let your thoughts stay with the good and positive things about you.

love and hugs
kamary

It does get better

do you go to divorce Care? I loved that
program went for a Year.

Your ex is playing you and playing games.

We did pretty well not being immature to
Each other during the divorce. It is a nasty
Process Though. I had a good lawyer.

We still coshared the property and money
Till the divorce. It was not pleasant yet we
Survived. I pulled up my big girl panties it
Was the only way. I was grieving like crazy.

THe otherside after that is much saner and
Healthier.

(((((((( hugs))))))))

I see this as a form of hypocrisy. I don't see him as the victim here nor do buy the idea his "happiness" is motivated to not wanting to upset YOU is foolish.

You are correct, his wanting to get "rid" of you is likely motivated for HIS benefit. We know from the rules of psychology, people are motivated by either pain or pleasure. People run away from relationships who know "who they are" and will often run towards new relationships who are not [yet] aware. Cheaters are motivated to run and hide elsewhere. It is for their benefit !!! There are psychological studies about this benefit of "happiness" from cheaters, school cheaters, etc. in which most authors explain to be a personal sense of accomplishment.

And don't give me that "poor sad boy" script with invisible crocodile tears crap either!!! If he is so sad, then let's see just how sad he really is about MONETARY RESTITUTION. I forgot, there is no such thing!

I want to thank all of my friends for their great advice. I was especially waiting for Kamary and Tobywinn, because you guys have been here from day one. yes, I think there is a self serving nature to everything he does. At first, I thought he still thinks I am plan B and maybe he could still crawl back to me DOWN THE LINE once it all blows up. Since I didn't see it, just maybe I won't know the extent to his treachery. Truly delusional. The other part of it is probably GUILT. he knows what he did to me. He's a nasty good for nothing lying cheating son of a bitch! I am his mirror. The stupid twat he is with doesn't know his vile nature, so he can sell her his tainted piece of goods. And of course, he probably could be happy and doesn't want me around because well, he's used me enough and that's it. I mean my friends and sisters are frothing at the mouth with anger! This man should pray to never run into any of them. There are a bunch of raging women who will blow if he ever has the misfortune of crossing their path.
I think you're right,Toby. It's easier to run but as they say "wherever you go, there you are."
As for the supposed sorry how it ended up, what he really means is he is sorry he got caught and is exposed. He wants to be the good guy and cant' stand that his true nature is out for everyone to see. It's all a show. He doesn't give a rats ass about anyone, much less me. So, yes, he's just a nasty heinous sob.
But whatever.
I just got called back for a promising job, so he can just bite me..

PU and teacher I can so relate to your story. It still hurts that I hung onto someone and something that wasn't real, proclaiming my love and wanting to be kissed and cuddled and getting hardly anything in return. Our therapist said he has broken brain sydrome and doesn't think like me. That he isn't going to be any different with the ow. Small consolation, it doesn't take away what I am feeling. Therapist asked me would you rather be like him, not capable of feeling or connecting. Probably not but I would love not to feel sometimes.
We have been separated for a year and divorced since Dec 30. But there was contact during that time and seeing him at bday party and divorce hearing. Had to text him this week so he wouldn't use daughter as go between when he needed car title and tax returns. And then his lawyer asks for same thing after I texted him.
And his brother called me during the blizzard. Sometimes I just want to run away too!

When I read your post, I was sad and angry for your pain. When I read your last post, you said exactly what mad me angry for you:

"As for the supposed sorry how it ended up, what he really means is he is sorry he got caught and is exposed. He wants to be the good guy and cant' stand that his true nature is out for everyone to see. It's all a show. He doesn't give a rats ass about anyone, much less me. So, yes, he's just a nasty heinous sob."

That is exactly what the BS is about. Him trying to stay deluded, trying to convince your lawyer and himself he's a good person. The only thing I would change is calling him an a$$hole instead a son of a bitch. Seems unfair to blame his mom. LOL

You've got this. We still feel the pain, retreat into the self doubt and criticism, but then we wake up, see what is what, and start moving forward again.
Thank you for showing us what a strong, healing woman looks like!

You know, all the gals here have posted some really good stuff. I can't add much more, other than, you are "thinking" that's how he feels about you and truly don't know the real truth. You're really projecting your feelings of humiliation and failure into this example and that is completely normal, but not the truth.

He might appear to be happy now, but believe me - whatever baggage he had in your marriage - he took with him into this new relationship. Things do not make you happy, you can't find that on the outside. You simply can't. It doesn't work that way.
Who knows - maybe he wants the POBox because he doesn't want his new partner to intercept any of his mail.

Try not to internalize this as something because of you - that you were no longer good enough - that's not the truth. You are good enough - and too good for him!

Pickingup they all try to blame us, yes we
Do Need to own our part as an mature adults.

My ex played games and he as in AA, just self
Righteous games. He thought he was the
Moral right.

I think we all have been in your shoes on the
Projecting especially if there is another woman.
It does something to your mind and soul. I was
Tormented for a lng time.i try very hard to keep
Her out of my head. It is my ex who i was married
To and who was married.


Support groups and therapists do help, i think
I would hve gone over the edge. He pushed me
That far emotionally because what he was thinking
And doing. It was bad even after he seoeration
And thru he divorce.

One day i will be thankful he left, not at this momemt
THough. My heart and soul are torn apart. I am putting
Them back together, one baby step to a time.

((((((((( hugs)))))))))

I think what your attorney said was a mechanical statement. For us...this event is a once in a lifetime thing...to our attorneys...they deal with it daily...so they may have become numb to the emotional fallout. Her statement may have truth but her delivery lacked the emotional support needed to hear such a statement. Its a job to them.

I remember my attorney sitting across the table from me during my 1st divorce...he had a smug smile on his face....he said...ya know Kath...I see this everyday...men throwing their lives away over a fling or crush...they will go through ruin just to follow that head with no brain. He said...you get on with your life...do things you never thought you would be able to do...forget him because it wont be long and you will see signs of his regret...almost all of them do. For my ex...it took about 2 years..so karma started quickly for me.

What you see is not what is. Real life has not settled in for your ex...he is still living the fantasy life. There is no way in hell that a relationship started the way his was can survive healthily...its foundation is built on lies and cheating. Trust will always be an issue...what one does with you can do against you! Mistrust seeps into every crack then expands from there.

As far as how they treat us before during and after the divorce...its all straight out of that book called..." The Cheaters Handbook "....all pretty standard shit. In my case...bottom line...his brainless head was in control...his actual brain lost most of its function..what was left of the brain had to come up with some quick knife sharp accusations in order to justify his actions...regardless of how irrational they were...and some were ridiculous.

PU...you are a beautiful and smart women. You have to find that place within you that believes this. You really do not need this man..or any other for that matter. You can forge a new life for yourself all by yourself. Trust me...there will come a day where you no longer feel the pain...you will remember it...but you will not be living it. There will also come a day where you say to yourself...what was I thinking...I spent so much time mourning the loss of a relationship that in reality...actually held me back...all those things he accused me of was actually him doing it to me!! For me...realizing that was a huge light bulb moment.

You are going to survive this...in fact you will thrive. From this day forward...you own each day and its up to you how you want to spend it. You are so much stronger than you think...Big Hugs...Kathy

""what was left of the brain had to come up with some quick knife sharp accusations in order to justify his actions...regardless of how irrational they were...and some were ridiculous. ""

HAHAHHA! This is SOOO true!! My cheating whore ex wife tried saying after she dumped me she didn't think I was over my last girlfriend before she came along...24 YEARS AGO! I had zero idea where she was and even if she was alive! That was so out of left field it actually left me speechless. Over the last couple years I now know it was a desperate attempt to justify her banging her cheater partner. So lame!

Yes the ex was most worried about what others would think of him. He was so used to hiding his other life. Then he cried on his paralegals shoulder for several days. He had the appropriate tears when I saw him. What he didn't know was she told me he planned on staying overseas, and when he was tired of chasing women he would come home to help me on the farm. While he was doing all this I had access to his emails as he told the ow how much he missed and loved her.

He once asked me when the divorce would be final so he could come home. I ignored that question. He was having a huge pity party session to receive all the attention he could get. All during the divorce he was involved with several women.