So it's been 11 months since my husband moved out and deserted us. It has been a long and ugly road. I have been to the lowest points in my life and felt more pain than I ever believed was possible. I have watched my wonderful husband change into a total stranger right before my eyes (within a couple of days) and my children lose a part of their innocence and go from happy secure kids to sad and angry kids struggling to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I have gone through a complicated pregnancy by myself, through which I was hospitalized many times and got not a single visit or phone call from him. In fact he came and removed furniture and stuff from our home while I was hospitalized. I gave birth by myself and have raised the baby for the last 6 months by myself. I've maintained the house by myself and maintained the car by myself. At the same time I've taken care of my other two children 75% of the time.

Through all of this, I kept hope that my husband would realize his mistakes and come home. Despite a lot of circumstantial evidence that he was having an affair, I kept up hope. He has always denied the affair and has said that things aren't as they appear. Although I knew there was more to it than he said, I wanted to and did give him the benefit of the doubt and secretly refused to completely believe what I should have known to be true. Yesterday I finally got the confirmation that I needed to push me over the hump. My daughter told me for the first time that her dad and his gf hold hands, kiss and often spend the night together (yes, in front of the kids). She admitted that when they went on their vacation to Hawaii and the gf drove them to the airport and they all stayed in the hotel room together, her dad and the skank did sleep together and the kids slept together in the other bed!! Something that is unforgivable. So now I truly know. Any doubt is now gone.

I don't know exactly how I feel. As I write this my chest hurts and I feel the horrible pain of that door closing completely. I can feel the tears ready to come, but they don't. There is a kind of relief in knowing for sure. I feel I am strong enough now to accept it. I've haven't wanted to know for sure until now because I wasn't ready, but I guess I'm there. It hurts. It hurts really bad. I know that this coming week is going to be hard. My kids go back to their dads and her for the week and I will have plenty of time to absorb and process it all. It's okay though because it will give me a chance to cry as much as I need to without having to worry about them seeing me cry so much. The baby is starting to get upset when I cry so I'll have to keep that in mind, but hopefully it will be like a cleansing and I can get it all out and keep moving on.

After all his harassing about us hurrying up and getting this divorce over with, he still hasn't filed. I don't know why. So I plan to call my attorney and ask if I should start the process myself. I've been in limbo for a year now, and now it's time for me to pick myself up and move forward. I have a lot of catching up to do before I actually move forward, but at least I'm moving.

The first months after he left, I didn't believe I would survive. The pain was unbearable, my body went into shock and did things it's never done before and I couldn't function. All I wanted to do was die. Slowly I started coming out of the shock and started functioning. The tears that had literally flowed 22 hours a day started to dry up a little and then the days came when there weren't any tears for a while. My anxiety that had haunted me all day and night now only come when I think about him and her or I have to deal with him. And I try to let that happen as little as possible. I am not functioning at the high level I used to. I don't think I can go back to my previous job as a trauma and transplant nurse right now. I'll need to find something that is less stressful and doesn't require the critical decisions and actions. But a few months ago I couldn't even entertain the idea of going back to work. I can read a book and not have to read the same page 5 times. I can go to stores and restaurants again. I can watch tv again. I can talk to people again. All things I couldn't do because just the thought of someone saying something to trigger my anxiety or seeing something would throw me into a panic attack, and everything triggered me at the time. I even laugh now. About a month after the desertion, my daughter came up to me and gave me a hug and said I had smiled. I looked at her questioningly and she said "you haven't smiled in over a month." I couldn't even smile then. My mother moved in with me because as I said I couldn't function and I couldn't even take care of my children. I don't know if I would have held up better had I not been pregnant, but I was so lost, confused and in so much despair that I think I was completely out of my mind at the time.

I've been reading Bugged's postings and although I don't think I am as far as she is, I am starting to feel some of the optimism and letting go she is going through. As Pembcat frequently reassures me, I've come a long way since I've been on DS.

The pain is still there. I don't know that it will ever go away. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but maybe one day. I still don't know really who I am. I have learned a lot about myself and others, and for that I am grateful. I know it's going to be a slow hard road for a while. The loneliness is the hardest right now. There isn't anyone to share the little things with. You guys know how that is. I still feel like I'm pretty depressed, I'm not foolish enough to believe it would just go away so easily, but there's a tiny light out there somewhere. I don't see it yet, but I believe now that it is out there. For me, and for all of you too. We climb this mountain together and when on of us falls, we will pick each other up and carry on. To the top or bust!!!