When this ordeal began back in May, I coped. I had a lot of plans. I was going to pursue the certification. So I had a purpose. Got up and had tests to study for. There was a purpose. I came back to NY thinking I still had a marriage. It gave me hope. That is of course before I found out about his cheating and he decided to abandon me and the marriage. I find it hard these days to get out of bed, to remember what I have to focus on. I am filled with fear and what ifs. I am so stuck. It would just be so much better if I had a full time job. I keep sending out resumes, but nothing. I have a part-time adjunct job teaching one class and next semester the same thing. I am supposed to be working on the phd BUT I AM STILL FILLED WITH SUCH FEAR. This is the problem I faced even separate from the marriage. It was the great fear that I would work so hard and I won't get a job, a full time job. Getting a tenure track job in American history, the early period, is brutal. I am so filled with dread and fear. Not knowing and starting from scratch paralyzes me. I get up and go through the motions but I feel hopeless. These are some brutal days. I keep hearing his voice in my head, you're always going to be a mess. I block it out but somehow it's always there. okay. Now have to go teach. Today I am covering the Populists and then the Labor Movement. It's tough work. I did manage to grade 28 papers over the weekend. Oh God, I am trying. How I am trying. Please lord, don't leave me.