Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

getting triggers; is this normal now?

pickingup
pickingup
I find that lately, and especially tonight, all of the LIES and deception are coming back. If you guys remember when I first came on this board I just thought he was thinking of a divorce because he was unhappy; I had NO idea that he was cheating. It was inconceivable. I notice that I have been struggling with all of the memories of all of the lies and the things he was doing before he perpetrated a separation, which I now believe he wanted so he could pursue the affair. I was just remembering for example that he couldn't sleep for the last month (April); he told me that he saw an ex-girlfriend on the train but to this day, that story seems strange. I wonder if he was gauging my reaction. Then when I took him to the doctor for his little ed problem, he said to me, strangely that he couldn't imagine having anyone else there with him. And then the strange comments about not going to forget how I looked when I slept. You know, crap. IS THIS NORMAL AT THIS STAGE? Am I now coming to grips with the actual affair? I FIND MYSELF RAGING MAD. I am so furious that I let that sob do this to me. I KNOW NOW WITH CERTAINTY I NEVER WANT HIM BACK. Then why am I still being triggered? why are these memories bothering me. Is this a sign of my healing? The biggest problem I am having now is dealing with the lies he told me during the semester (starting in March?) until May. I don't know if this had even started earlier. Maybe it did because he bought me very expensive Mikimoto pearl earrings for my birthday in February. I am consumed with if he had been lying to me as early. I just don't know why this is triggering me so much! Any thoughts?
kamary
kamary
I found that the anger built, the more I realised how I had been tricked in the past. Now that I know he was playing up, red flags I missed are now so very clear. And it makes me mad! And rightly so.

This is the anger stage of grief, and made worse by the realisations that he tricked me so many times.

Mixed up with the anger directed at him is anger directed at myself for being so naiive, for trusting, for letting things go.

My ex gave me expensive jewellery a few times after he had been away at conferences. When it came to buying me birthday and Christmas gifts, he didn't buy me jewellery. He usually complained that he didn't know what to buy for me because I had everything he could think of. Now I know those odd gifts of jewellery were because he felt guilty.

One time, he carried a bunch of daffodils home on a 3hr flight and a 3hr car ride home. I did smell a rat that time. Who in their right mind, serves a public penance like that? I knew he did it so that his workmates would think he was the doting husband, and not because I love daffodils or because he loved me that much. Now that I am wiser to him, I wonder who he played up with that time.

The jewellery is in the bin, and it feels wonderful.

love and hugs
kamary
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Here comes the anger :)
I will take the anger stage over the heartbreak and heartache and sadness every day of the week. I know some say let go of the anger and etc etc but I've felt my anger towards my ex bitch cheating whore helps me keep her off the pedestal in my mind. It been 20+ months since she left and it took me a LOOOONG time to get to anger as I was in false hope so long that she would see her mistake and want to reconcile (ha ha ha)..little did I know she was cheating well before the split. After 24 years together. With our daughter's boyfriends dad. So she shit on the entire family and it was all about HER happiness. Bitch. Fuck her and her narcissistic attitude. After all this time away from her I can see how much she changed and became a totally different person. Good job realizing you will never take him back. That epiphany really helps.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Sorry for my language but I get where you are now. It still really fries me sometime lol..!
pickingup
pickingup
Dear Kbbcoop77, thanks for responding. Bad language is good. I am so grateful for the anger; just wish it would last. I go back and forth with sadness, regret and anger. I notice mornings are still so bad. I just don't feel like getting out of bed. Every morning, I say, what's the point. I pray for this to just pass soon. Sorry you have to deal with this too.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Mornings were the absolute worse. I know the feeling of having to force yourself to get moving, and I remember some days just not getting up. It does get much better. I've read your posts, sorry you are dealing with this. I know how it is to have the situation you're now in on your mind 24-7. You wake up with it, go to sleep with it...it's hard. Hardest thing I've ever been through. Have you been to www.chumplady.com? It's a great site for people who have been cheated on, very empowering. You will find peace soon. Your ex sounds just as selfish and disordered as mine. Hard to wrap your head around 20+ years with someone ending. It would be easier if they had just died instead of rolling around in the sack with someone else huh? Take care, one day at a time is really all we can do :)
MNMama
MNMama
My situation was a bit different, I had more sadness than anger while I was actively grieving, but when the anger came, it was white hot and cathartic. It was good to really feel it, to allow it to rage and storm and to yell into my pillow or in the car, anywhere I wasn't going to have the police called on me.... It helped to get it out and vent, and it was helpful to help me realize I really didn't want to be with him anymore, so yes, it's useful, it's helpful, it's normal.
Just don't get stuck there. Anger, and all the other emotions, will come and go, spaced further apart over time, and hopefully, you'll reach a point where acceptance and/or forgiveness will be the one that sticks around, affording you some measure of peace and serenity. In the meantime, rage on!
cmonge
cmonge
Yes, completely normal. Its as if our minds cant completely process everything all at once, and it can take months or years to sort through all the memories that can trigger some emotions in us. Youll be sitting there and suddenly think, "damn! He was soooo loving on our anniversary, but he was probably texting the OW the minute i went to the bathroom! ". Shit like that!!!! Sometimes youll feel sad, sometmes youll feel angry, sometimes youll feel stupid and naive. Its such a messed up ride we are on. In my case i feel real active dislike for friends of his who engaged in this same type of behavior, because i think they made it seem ok.
And i also had to get over wondering who else he might have f***ck*d. its actually amazing how many people are willing to cross the lines of fidelity.
Other triggers for me were just the site of the sprint bill or website, because thats what i would actively comb theough each month for signs of cheating, my heart literally raced and stomach churned whever i saw that bill even months after we had gone our separate ways!
tobywinn
tobywinn
"I am so furious that I let that sob do this to me." Yes, the occurrence of this abnormality happens. Seems you are searching your memory looking for your part in which you allowed/ tolerate from your ex as not to be repeated in your future. It's a self evaluation process. It's time to exam and learn from your history and patterns. Sandra L. Brown, M.A. writes numerous books teaching women how to choose wisely depends on the information you already have about yourself.
trisha9054
trisha9054
I had those ah ha moments when something would trigger a memory and I would realize what he had done again. The biggest shock was finding his cheating pattern. I have a number figured out for the number of women he was with. I now know it was many more.

What I am still sometimes angry about is what he did when my daughter had a life threatening wreck in MS and I was there for two months. I was so angry at myself and him. He turned our 13 year old daughter over to his daughter who turned her over to her boyfriend. When I got home I almost lost everything. I lost my tiny grandson from my life and it took a year to get our youngest back on track.

So yeah there will be triggers for a while and it will get better when the divorce is final. It will soon be 8 years post divorce for me. I finally have been trigger free since two years ago when the last court hearing was over. Time and distance helps so much.
sciteacher
sciteacher
I had such a hard time accessing the anger part of my recovery. You have done that pretty quickly - good for you! It is supposed to happen if you want to heal. It is an essential part of the process. I actually was worried because it took me about a year to feel angry. He did me so wrong in the way he ended a 33 year marriage but all I could feel was sadness, regret, guilt, desolation, you name it, but not anger. Finally that hit me and now I am feeling so much better that I am not that angry anymore because I can honestly say it was for the best. I would never have left and so I would still be in an emotionally and physically deprived relationship. I feel so much better now and you will too. Probably sooner than you think. You seem to be going through the necessary stages of emotions very well. They will come back and it will be quite the rollercoaster for you. But you will come out of this better for it.
Hugs and love,
Donna
Timeman
Timeman
Been there, done that.
All natural.
Still to this day I get angry at my x sometimes ...a d we're friendly
with each other..... It I still get angry at times. Anytime I think about the things I lost and the relationship with my grandchildren that was and is still strained . I get angry because it's her fault...... Then I calm down. What do they say..... If you are angry at someone you only hurt yourself because that person doesnt know your angry.... So it only hurts you.
It will get better. Bob
pickingup
pickingup
Timeman, I am feeling this too. I am angry that he ruined a great relationship. I am not being naïve; what we had was so beautiful. I hope the other woman is so amazing because he gave it up for her. The foundation of love, devotion, history and trust, compatibility, all gone in the blink of an eye. Anger is good but now I also feel such sadness and regret, for something I know only comes once. It just wasn't enough for him. thank you, my friend. Wish it were just anger; that would spur me on. Now it's also such great sadness and regret. Feels like square one again.
missd12932
missd12932
When I was living with stbx I was consumed by anger. My Dr. said it was killing me. Toward the end before
I left I took the gun I had and was going to kill him! I would have ended up in jail. I started seeing a therapist
gave the gun away and eventually left. It was the best move of my life. I was depressed for months, a bad
habit is just as hard to break as a good one. I was used to a certain way of living.
But now I am happy---most of the time. It was the right move for me.
PU you will get better, and you are getting better I see it in the way you write to help other people understand
what they are going through. You are amazing !
kamary
kamary
You must have been at the end of your tether that day, missd. I'm glad you decided to go to a therapist instead.

love and hugs
kamary