I've been divorced over two years now. I've tried really hard to forget some of the bad things in our marriage. He wasn't violent, didn't break things and didn't hit me. He neglected me.

When I first started the divorce process I needed the bad memories of what he did at the end to get through the divorce.

In the early years we did have good times and I can still look at those without anger. The memories of how good he was with our daughter when I couldn't get her quiet. He was a part of my life for many years and some of those memories should be cherished. He wasn't always a bad person. I just didn't recognize how bad he was.

He will never be a part of my life again. The memories will fade and some will stay. I take the time to acknowledge those memories and then go on about my life.

Rose, I think anyone who was married for this length of time struggles with losing the "familiar" and when we are still working through the grief, the fond memories very often come up for us. Like Trisha, during the 18 Months of Hell, some of my X's behavior was so ugly and so bizarre, that is what kept my fire fueled to fight him to the end for what I knew I was entitled to. Now, more than three years later, I do sometimes wax nostalgic for some of those good old times. But my common sense still speaks to me and I know that a lot of the bad stuff was happening from day one in our relationshp. I just chose not to see it.
It is important that we NEVER think of the years spent with that person as a WASTE, because it wasn't. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with. But everyone has their limits. And there was no reason to hang on to our illusions.
These thoughts will fade with time and distance and new experiences will replace them. Just be with the feelings as they come up and be thankful that the experience has made you stronger and enabled you to grow.

In the early stages of divorce, it's these thoughts that sometimes lead to the picking up of the phone and trying to repair things. And in most cases, this is a mistake. We want what was comfortable and familiar. We enjoyed the feeling of companionship and knowing someone was there. Therefore, our monds remind us of these when we are hungry and starved for them.

It's rough at times. Luckily, I did not have many of them when my krap started. I can tell you that I was mowing the lawn the other day and had a flash. I looked up at the back deck and just had this thought that I wondered if she would be coming out with a cold drink soon - as she used to do years ago. I was able to just keep on going with a smile on my face because it was a good memory. And no matter what hell she put me through, I still want to remember that there was a lovely woman that I married.

So, you will still have these moments for time to come. Try what you can to enjoy them as they flow through you. Then move on.

Thank you for your advise it really is all very good, and what I know I need to do. eventually I do hope to put these thoughts or memoryâs where they need to be put, in the past, and replace them with new ones.

puter you hit exactly what I have done or thought about. those seconds before you realize and it hits you, that is not what is going to happen, things have changed.

Hi Rose...I'm now 9 months post divorce and I'm just coming to peace with those thoughts. There has been many times where I have been doing something and had forgotten ( for just a moment ) that he wont be walking through the door or helping me with a task. Its kind of sad for that instant but then it passes. Puter is right..its thoughts like this that tend to lead us down the reconciliation road or make that phone call that isnt well received...been there, done that and failed. For me...I have to remind myself that our relationship was broken. There was no desire on his part to work on repairing it. I dont see him as a bad person....he's just someone I can no longer have in my world. I believe he is someone's prince...just not mine. I will always be friendly to him but I will never be friends with him. I have drawn a line in the sand where he is concerned.

One of the most effective tools I used to put the past in the past is...NO CONTACT. I didnt have this on our first divorce. I highly recommend you do this if you haven't already. It puts distance between you and allows your emotions to settle down and you can start thinking clearer. Big Hugs...Kathy

For me, any thoughts of my cheating ex, has wiped out anything and everything that was GOOD during our marriage. I BELIEVED to lived a "happy" marriage that suddenly came to an end of 25 years as the ex was running to his serial affairs. The good life [yeh, it was grand] came to an end putting a bit of sting to the idea of longevity.

Everyone asked, what happened? What happen was the ex had some serious character flaws, mind-set and all. It's just that he did not disclose his little character flaws while having not one bit of remorse. That is a serious omission. There is plenty wrong with deliberate sabotaging and taking high risk of failure.

My point is, in truth, it ALL comes as a " TOTAL package". I've learned not to be a victim and stop the illusion mind-set. [ditto Cowgirl]. I've decided that I don't want that pie that makes me sick....it is laced with his poison. The silver lining: There is someone out there who is good for you, who knows how to give and receive love. Much better.

I'm finding that I'm still on that roller coaster ride, where one minute I'm okay, going about my business, sad that my marriage is ending, but determined to live my life, and the next minute I feel overwhelmed with the knowledge that I'm getting divorced and I"m alone.
I think it takes everyone different amounts of time to move on, and, hopefully the overwhelmed moments will become less and less, and the happy moments will take over more and more.
Unlke you, I don't have any good moments to remember, so all I"m remembering is the verbal and emotional abuse. This angry, overwhelmed feeling seems to come out of nowhere, but later, when I"m calmer, I can often figure out what happened to trigger that response. For example, yesterday I went to lunch with a couple who got married a week before I did. So they've been married as long as I was, and they are still very much together. I"m sure they've had their tough times, but they are enjoying their retirement together, traveling together, seeing their granddaughter together, etc. I'll never have that, and, although I filed for divorce for all the right reasons, I still get emotional when I think of the marriage I had, which was never good for me, and all the years I put up with the stbx's false promises.
I've moved into a smaller house that is all mine, so I'm fortunate that way, but I'm still grieving the loss of the dreams I had for the stbx and myself. Some days it's easier to refocus on something good that is happening now or coming up in the future. Some days I can't seem to dig out of that hole of regrets.
I think you are doing the right things to move on, and now it is a matter of continuing to focus on your new life, and trying to refocus on the present and future. It's not easy, but I know we can do it.
((hugs))