Interesting commentary, my friend. But remember, you said this friend had expressed his regrets YEARS AGO. Time and distance make a difference.
The wound of betrayal by your X is still too fresh. And if you have had an apology from your X, consider yourself lucky. I'm still "waiting" for one from mine, but he's in such a state of denial, I doubt I'll ever get one.
NO CONTACT means a PERMANENT BOUNDARY between me and the X. There's no two ways about it. But part of me sort of chuckles when I wonder IF he hasn't left me in his Will. I plan to leave him the sum of $1.00 (to be paid in a roll of pennies) and a single fast-food cheeseburger (old inside joke between us -- which he has probably long forgotten).

Yes, I'm with you drtexdi. I cannot forgive him yet. Like Kathi says, pain is too fresh. I did get my apology from my stbx, but instead of helping me, it caused me to backslide. Realized that is not the way to go. I'm trying to keep as much NC as possible.

I'm not ready to be civil. Not sure if I ever will. Too much crap that he has put me thru, with his addiction and then the betrayal of OW and the way he went about the betrayal. Maybe one year, but not pushing to work on "forgiveness" at this time. Not what I need at this time.

And I no longer push my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. I used to encourage it all the time when we were together and just after splitting up. Was told by my kids basically to stay out of it. Guess it would depend on why kids relationship was strained. My kids and their dad's relationship isn't strained by OW. Its strained by his addiction and that hasn't changed. My thoughts are that as long as he is actively addicted, there is no hope for a good relationship between the kids and their dad. There is nothing I can do about that.

Don't beat yourself up over the situation with your ex. Each divorce is individual parts and those parts probably play a hugh role on the relationship after the divorce.

I am hoping that I come to the same place as well. Right now my STBX is trying to do everything he can to make things difficult. for me.

I am definitely not ready to be civil. I was betrayed for a long time with lies and more lies. It will be hard for me to trust anyone again,never mind him.

He is not making contact with my kids either. Has not talked to my daughter since May. It is inexcusable.

It probably will take you some time to get to that point with the EX.

Good Luck Maggie

I have lost many family members, my Mom (at a young age I was 27 y/o, when she died), my Dad, two brothers, and a son all within 20 years. I have no regrets we sll had a great relationship. After my son's death I thought of parents that didn't have good realtionships with their children, to this day I hear friends and people in general talking about how bad their kids are and can't wait till they move out. I don't have to say anything to them because they just have to look at me and remember the loss I live with. Losing him was bad enough, but to add regrets it must be even harder.
About my stbx I don't think I would have regrets either because he choose to walk away from his family for another woman. I don't feel as though I should have any contact with him and he never admitted he was wrong. So I think he has to deal with regrets, my concious
is clear. He will have to answer to God, not me.

In May when I had my heart attack, I didin't once think of calling for my X. I think that is when I knew it was almost over. He was very upset and had to make a scene by rushing (uninvited) to my bedside. P_L_ease!

He started out apologizing just after he left and taking all the responsibility for the break. I wanted to be friends, but try as I might all it did was keep my in the process longer than I needed to be. It wasn't my place to forgive him and make him feel less guilty. I think he should be crushed with guilt for the rest of his life because of what he did to his family, but I know he's too shallow to even think of it anymore.

If you are happier with NC (and I was too) hang on to it. I was much more sane when I stopped trying to understand and forgive. I used my kids as an excuse to stay in contact. I called him whenever I didn't know what to do. I called him when things broke. Then I discovered AAA, plumbers, auto mechanics, and a whole host of other people who didn't want to crush my self-esteem. They just wanted me to pay them. My kids finally refused to be the reason we communicated and told both of us to stop. They knew NC was better for me. Hell, everyone knew it was better for me, but I needed that fix and it kept me crazy for way too long.

Neo

Neo, you are so funny. I laughed out loud, reading that. You know I think after reading all the comments, I think NC and semi-forgiveness is the way to go. By semi I mean that I have discovered that being angry and sad requires energy that I just don't want to put into it. I think being civil requires a lot less energy. Now, mind you, I have my days and I never know when they will occur. For the most part, I feel fairly peaceful. Thank you all.

IamNeo made me think back to the 18 Months of Hell -- I'm out here on the farm doing my best to keep things from falling down around me and the stbx making his "token" offers to "come out and help me." BALDERDASH!I FLATLY REFUSED to let him set foot on this property! There was NO WAY I would allow him to assuage his guilt by "helping" me with anything around here! And that's all those token offers were about. My attorney said, "If you need a repairman, send your stbx the bill." I did. He paid. It was MUCH EASIER to do that than to deal with looking at his smirking face.
The NO CONTACT is what kept me strong and made me realize that I was no more "lonely" without him than I had been with him here those last few years. By the time the divorce was final, I KNEW I was much better off without him than I had ever been with him.
It occurred to me many times during that period that what HE really wanted was to have his "single life" in town with the OW, and still come out here and "help me on the farm" -- probably boink me once in awhile -- and that way, he could have the best of both worlds. I put the nix on that from the get-go. NO WAY! Still gives me the creeps to think about it -- how anyone could be so selfish and self-absorbed.

Kathi, that's exactly what the ex told his paralegsl. He intended to work overseas, chase the cute China dolls. When HE was ready to settle down come back and help me on the farm. That didn't happen. I don't play second string to anybody.

I too tried to keep my duaghter in his life. That is their problem to work out. I know she has lost her father but she never really had him in her life. They say you want the one you can't have. I was always there for her and she wants no contact with me. Her choice and I can accept that.

The stunts he is pulling now have made me go no contact. The last time we were in court he came by to pick up some things he left here. A stupid umbrella from China he never used while he was here. I didn't realize what he was looking for as he wandered thru the house looking in every closet. To see if there was anyone living here with me. I'm not that stupid and I'm not seeing anyone.

I have full control and use of this farm until it sells. He will no longer be allowed on my home for any reason. Total no contact except when we go to court. Then the contact is still between the attys. and the judge.

NC works the best for me. My EX was put off when I refused to share any personal details of my life with him. He grew angry about it but I don't care. Like CowgirlKathi said, it's not my job to come up with ways to help him relieve the load of guilt he must carry. He can take it up with his higher power just like I do. And I think he wanted the scenario Kathi and Trisha talked about in their reply's. To come around and "help" and get occasional nookie. NO THANKS! I am perfectly capable of calling repair people or asking my own friends for suggestions or references. He was pissed when I got tires for our D's car and he had to pay half. He still thinks he could of gotten them way cheaper. I didn't have time to wait on him to do it. It took him over a week to look at the car in the first place. Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with him anymore, it's like a goat rope. And he is rude and condescending. It makes me dislike him even more and I don't like that feeling.

Misred is SO RIGHT ON about how they have this fantasy and when you simply refuse to play into it (or "play nice") they get all pissy. My X told me for years that he wanted me to be independent. While I always did maintain my personal independence, once he walked out of here, I decided I would show him how LITTLE I needed him. He wanted to argue about every little thing and I just refused to engage in it. If he could see this house and farm today, he WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE IT! I'm also pretty sure that he realizes NOW that he needed me a Hell of a lot more than I needed him!

I am going to keep that last sentence, I'm also pretty sure that he realizes NOW that he needed me a Hell of a lot more than I needed him, plastered in my brain for the next week. I am on the countdown of 8 days before I drop the bomb on my husband.

I think at some point in the lives of all these types of people, they have regrets. Whether or not they show the ones they screwed, that is up to the individual person. Although my stbx has told me how sorry he was and that he screwed up, he never once did anything to change or help with what he did. That speaks more to me than any apology.

I will not make the relationship for my kids with their dad. It just frustrates me too much. I have to say, he is slowly (very, very slowly), starting to come around and realize he needs to reach out to them, not them to him.

For me, NC has been a blessing lately. I was stuck for far too long in a limbo stage trying to hold onto something that just wasn't. I fought NC for 2.5 years, only now wondering why I did.

I always thought I was so dependent on him. No, not the case at all. I am quite capable of handling the house and kids by myself. May not always be perfect or done the "right" way, but it all gets done in time. Overwhelming yes, not impossible. I would rather pay someone than to ever ask for his help. If I have to ask and beg, that just puts me back into the marriage, which is what I am getting away from.