Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was fine last night when I saw the stbx, I was fine on the drive over there but when I walked into the building and the first one I saw was my stbx I got angry all of a sudden. I surprised myself. All I could think of what an asshole for actually following through with this divorce. This court appearance made it all very real.
I treated him with cool indifference. He tried to engage me in conversation and I didn't reciprocate. What a fool to think we could stand and talk about non-important things when we were in court for our divorce. Eventually he got the hint and went and sat on the far end of the hall.
I have not had much anger through this whole 9 month mess. I've chosen not to be angry and I've kept that under control but today I wanted to lash out at him. I wanted to tell him what a flaming idiot he is for doing this to our family and I hope he rots in hell. But I didn't. I just ignored him. I don't really hope he rots in hell but I was very surprised to feel that rush of pure anger.
The court appearance didn't happen with a judge but a facilitator for the judge. He basically talked to our lawyers and asked the status of the case. Set a 60 day deadline for actual court appearance in case we couldn't resolve the issues before then. We will have a mediator in Feb or March and my lawyer believes we will resolve before any judge decision is required.
I cried on the drive home. A little. Not because I want him back or our marriage but just for the audacity of it all. I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't have any feelings for him - nothing like that. But today I was angry for what he did to our family unit and his reasons for doing it. It was all so uncalled for and so un-necessary.
Our appt was at 8:00am and we didn't get into the facilitator until 9:30am. I sat in an area where I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. That helped. Also texting Zen the whole time helped too. Thank you darling. Your words of encouragement keep me focused and calm.
I also want to thank Caligirl for talking with me the whole drive home. Your strength and wisdom just envelope me and give me strength.
Thank you to all my DS friends for your undying support and good wishes. I felt you there with me every minute.
One more step in the process over with - time to update my goal.
I treated him with cool indifference. He tried to engage me in conversation and I didn't reciprocate. What a fool to think we could stand and talk about non-important things when we were in court for our divorce. Eventually he got the hint and went and sat on the far end of the hall.
I have not had much anger through this whole 9 month mess. I've chosen not to be angry and I've kept that under control but today I wanted to lash out at him. I wanted to tell him what a flaming idiot he is for doing this to our family and I hope he rots in hell. But I didn't. I just ignored him. I don't really hope he rots in hell but I was very surprised to feel that rush of pure anger.
The court appearance didn't happen with a judge but a facilitator for the judge. He basically talked to our lawyers and asked the status of the case. Set a 60 day deadline for actual court appearance in case we couldn't resolve the issues before then. We will have a mediator in Feb or March and my lawyer believes we will resolve before any judge decision is required.
I cried on the drive home. A little. Not because I want him back or our marriage but just for the audacity of it all. I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't have any feelings for him - nothing like that. But today I was angry for what he did to our family unit and his reasons for doing it. It was all so uncalled for and so un-necessary.
Our appt was at 8:00am and we didn't get into the facilitator until 9:30am. I sat in an area where I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. That helped. Also texting Zen the whole time helped too. Thank you darling. Your words of encouragement keep me focused and calm.
I also want to thank Caligirl for talking with me the whole drive home. Your strength and wisdom just envelope me and give me strength.
Thank you to all my DS friends for your undying support and good wishes. I felt you there with me every minute.
One more step in the process over with - time to update my goal.
It's so hard...but it sounds like you handled things with dignity and bravery.
I passed out in the courtroom at the temporary hearing..thought we'd be there for thirty minutes tops but after five hours with no food...I crashed to the floor.
You did great my friend. Here's to a good life for us all.
Big hugs heading your way.
It's such a strange feeling to stand there calmly knowing that they have destroyed so many people. We all married for better or worse, not until someone better comes along. I never saw a fight break out in court but there are signs posted in the next room telling people to keep their voices down. I wouldn't lower myself to do that. I'd just say see you at trial.
The first court date is scary. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. I sit there and watch the hundreds of couples come in and I just want to cry. So many lives torn apart. What a waste.
Hugs to you.
I understand your crying. Your right, it's the way our stbx's and X's have handled their departure from their family. Just, one day I want out, no explanation, no effort in trying to put the family back together, not even to at least give it a shot for the children.
Then, to think we want to chit-chat with them, like there's no big deal in going through this divorce. These spouses must have a turn-off valve when it comes to empathy and compassion. I will never get this.
You did great!
Hugs Chrissy.
Once I stopped obsessing about this and did not let him ruin any more of time thinking about him, my life got better. Not every day, but it is like a little peek of sun coming out.. and guess what? After you are divorced, you have to deal with the same stuff you did before, the car the snow a job the kids the dog the bills family friends etc etc. And you will think what the heck did I waste all that time moping about him? You will move forward, and you will be happy again.. you will, I promise it. Hugs
Hugs
I will be tougher on March 4 because I want this shit done.
Good for you, Chrissy!!!!!
The only things that goes through these asshole's minds is what will serve them the best. The have no empathy, sympathy, or thoughts of anyone except themselves. They are totally mystified over our behavior, because they can't see beyond their own wants and needs.
Congratulations Chrissy - you did good! You'll continue to do well, and come out a better, stronger woman for losing the loser.