Tina, I replied to your other post via Private Message which I hope you have received and read. For whatever reason that you wanted out of the marriage, know that the healing time and expanse of time required to truly find your authentic self again varies. But one thing is for certain -- it's something you have to do BY YOURSELF and FOR YOURSELF.

Therapy absolutely helps. Stay in as long as it's necessary. I remained in therapy for two full years and still go for occasional "tune ups" as needed, although in the last 3 years, we rarely even mention the X.

As to what your kids and other people say or think, remember this: What other people THINK of you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Trust me, things will all shake out with time. There were a lot of folks in my life who turned their backs, had their opinions and those who just stuck their heads in the sand during the 18 Months of Hell. I just had to figure that people come into (and go out of) your life for a reason or a season. Nothing you can do to change it. I also say replace the losers with winners. Surround yourself with POSITIVE PEOPLE and your attitude will change!

Get involved in your community, your church, volunteer groups or whatever! I found that by being of service to others, I felt better about myself. And check out meetups.com. Lots of interesting folks and activities to choose from. If you don't find a group in your area that suits your fancy, start one of your own. The big thing is to GET MOTIVATED and GET OUT THERE! The world is your oyster and you are never too old to get started!

Big hugs to you! I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Tina, you are well on your way already. You say you have no regrets, which means that you know in your head and heart that you've done what you needed to do. I agree with CGK - what matters is what is right for YOU and your future, and what others think is just not relevant. This is not to discount that you must 'bare' a heavy load in terms of sorting our your feelings about others in regards to this decision. But ultimately....it's YOUR life and only you can live it. Your loyal and loving true friends will understand. And with time, you'll be better able to discuss your decision and its repercussion with your kids in a way that will help them to understand how very difficult this decision was for you. Time reveals and heals.

He did NOT make you happy. You stayed for a good part of your life, gave it years just trying to make it work. One day, and only you know why, you just said "enough". And it was right for you. You are courageous!

Even in an unhappy marriage, you are still part of 'something' - a couple, husband and wife and all that this evokes in terms of social meaning. That is now gone. It's just you. One day, you will realize that this in fact is the most LIBERATING decision that you've taken in your life. But it's not today, and it won't be tomorrow hon!

It's been almost 1.5 years for me and I've made incredible leaps in terms of peace and happiness in the last six months. I still have a way to go, but I'll tell you that I wouldn't go back for anything in the world! It's a journey...

I know it seems like a heck of long time - two years can seem like forever when one is sad and in pain. But one thing is for certain...time WILL go on, and each day that unfolds is one day closer to your future happiness.

In the mean time, take every possible step to make your 'today' healthier and productive, as CGK said. I would seriously recommend joining a separation or divorce support group. Mine was instrumental in helping me in the early days...and i made one wonderful new friend to boot!

Sorry that you find yourself here, but you will find lots of great advice and support. Keep moving forward and reach out whenever you have need. This may not be how you envisioned your life unfolding, but I can guarantee you this: this experience will provide you the opportunity for incredible personal growth. You will know and love and appreciate yourself in ways that you could never have imagined. It's good on the other side! hugs of support

Tina, it's been over a year since my husband walked out on me and I so don't want this divorce. That said, however, I've learned a lot in a year and one of the most important things for me is understanding the difference between being alone and being lonely. At the beginning, when I was consumed by loneliness, I reached out very directly to a handful of close friends -- I told them I was lonely and needed their support and they came through for me. Because I was living alone and working from home, I made sure to schedule my week so that I had something happening every day, whether it was coffee, lunch, a walk, a movie or drinks with a friend, committee or board meetings for the couple of nonprofits I'm involved with, or sometimes just a session with my therapist or a manicure with the wonderful person who's been taking care of my nails for the past 12 years. I also walked my dog every day and ran on the beach most days, which was just another way of connecting with the world outside my house. And I posted a lot here, and found not just advice but friendship and connection. What I'm trying to say is that because you're feeling lonely right now, you need to be proactive : sit down with your calendar every week and schedule things in advance so you always have something to get you out of your house and in the company of others.
As time goes on, I think you'll find it much easier to be alone without feeling lonely, at least that's been my experience. I still schedule my week, and I still need my friends and my contacts with the world outside, but Im much more comfortable now with spending time alone, in fact I enjoy it. (I had my two kids home over the holidays and I loved having them here and was sad to see them go, but tonight I'm home alone and I'm not at all lonely.)
The basic point, I think, is to be proactive now and to schedule things that require you to leave your house every day, Ultinately, This is what worked for me and I hope it's helpful for you

OK, so somehow, I posted my comment without finishing my thought or correcting its typos .What I wanted to say is that being by being proactive, by scheduling something outside your house every day, you will ultimately find that you're not lonely when you're alone, but you must recognize that it will take time to get there. In my experience, you get through that time by focusing on the practical things you can do, by seeing a good therapist, and most importantly by having faith that things will get better. It may seem unbearable right now, as you said in your post, but it really will get better, and as it does, you will find that you 're moving on. You can't rush the process, so for now just take the practical steps that will make life seem a bit better,and have patience.
Hugs and blessings.

Wow.... You guys are so awesome and I really appreciate the advice and support. When I think back to when I left (Apr 2012) I know I have grown since then (I do more than cry all day!) I also know that I need to get out everyday- and need to make more of an effort like that.
Alot of what I feel is displaced. Transient. Out of my element. I moved into an apartment and am now looking for something less expensive. It just doesnt feel like 'home' to me..... and since I was such a young bride and mother (19 yrs old) I really don't have much of a sense of who I am outside of the roles I have had. My kids are grown and out of the house. They live all over the world - which is probably a gift from God as I would have latched onto one of them Im sure!
I used to be a vibrant, fun and positive person..... I miss that 'me' and just don't know how to find her again. She disappeared while I was still married so it's been years since I have felt a continued sense of joy- something I used to feel daily. I know I am impatient..... I just want to find myself and I guess I am too lazy (or tired or insecure or whatever) to push myself to do things that I know are best for me. I need to somehow find that strength and energy to go out into the world again and be someone.
Thanks for all your ideas..... I will read them over and over and work towards being happy! It is so encouraging to hear your stories- I can only imagine all of you started out about the same in the beginning......

I was on meds for clinical depression the last 7 years of my marriage. The marriage counselor turned to me and asked "Misred, depression is anger turned inward. What are you so angry about?" I thought it was obvious. Most everything was out in the open during the counseling sessions. Anyway...long story short, after filing and loosing my medical insurance I couldn't pay for my prescription or continue seeing a doctor to prescribe them. I started taking half doses in order to make them last longer until they ran out. When I finally got insurance and went to see my doctor he suggested since I was doing so well without them to see how it goes. He gave me a prescription just in case. That was over three years ago. I feel great! I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I have lots more friends than I did when I was married. (((HUGS)))

Hopefultina: KNOW that you will be fine, but it does take a lot of effort to get going and keep going. Your age is probably partially the cause of your depression, too. At 55, our energy seems to begin to wane a bit and if you are menopausal, that can play havoc with your emotions, as well. As to your kids, well MOST KIDS have flown from the nest by the time the parents are in their 50's anyway, so that would have been happening divorce or not.

There are a number of really helpful books out there which our members will gladly recommend to you. One in particular that I am reading now is called "Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow" by Elizabeth Lesser. I am reading it more to give me some more insight so as to better able to support the folks here on DS, but there is always something more to learn about OURSELVES. I would stay in therapy my whole life if I could afford it because we are like onions -- there are always more layers of the psyche to be peeled back.

Don't expect to just wake up one morning and feel 100% fine. It's a process. Set small goals for yourself on a weekly and daily basis. You might begin by just going out to a public event -- or attend some kind of civic organization meeting just to check it out. But DO SOMETHING! Once interita sets in, it's even harder to get motivated.

Hugs to you.

Such great advice and I will echo what the others are saying. I will also add some advice as well. During my marriage, I made my ex the center of my universe. I worked outside the home, but when I got home, life was all about him. I had no friends, no hobbies, and no interests because I had to fill every waking moment appeasing his enormous, selfish ego. I basically gave up my life for him, and he repaid me by being a verbally/emotionally abusive liar and cheater. Divorcing was the best thing I ever did.

However, I was where you are now. I had no friends, felt very alone, and as a teacher off during the summer, was facing a long, lonely summer. I immediately started getting into volunteering. This gave me a purpose for getting out of the house and connecting with people. I also joined a singles group that met once a month for dinner. Ultimately, a few of us started doing more--going to dance, movies, dinner, etc. This led to my meeting more friends. If you live near a city, please check out meetup.com. It is not a dating site, but a site that connects people who share common interests. It's a good way to meet people in a fun, non-romantic setting, doing something you enjoy.

CGK is right--once the inertia sets in, you will become complacent and it will be harder to get out. I fight that inertia often. Yes, it would be so much easier to stay home, curled up with a book in my jammies, but that's not healthy living; that's just existing. Make yourself get out every day. You have to do this early in the divorce process; you have to retrain your mind to think like a single person. It takes time.

Sending loads of healing hugs!!!

Tina, I notice from your profile that you live in New Jersey. The state isn't that big and we have at least one other member here who lives in the same state. You might try connecting with her! Just a suggestion.

As to Hurtin's comments about meetups.com I don't live in a city and the nearest "city" of any size is 30 miles away. I found a number of local meetups around here and so far, have really enjoyed them.

Our local community college also offers a full spectrum of "Adult Enrichment" classes year round -- everything from art and music to yoga and meditation at very reasonable prices. Most of the classes are evenings, so if you work, you can still participate.

And VOLUNTEERING can also be a great way to get out and mingle. One of our members couldn't have a dog where she lives, but she LOVES DOGS so she signed up as a volunteer with her local Greyhound Adoption progam. This takes her out to the malls on weekends with the dogs and provided her with a wonderful opportunity to socialize. Think about it. Lots of opportunities out there.

Hi Hopefultina. Welcome here. I'm sorry you're going through divorce and all that entails.

It was my choice to leave my marriage so I have a fair idea of where you're coming from. I would have thought that people would understand that a person doesn't leave a marriage lightly, especially if there is no other person involved. My ex has played the "poor little me, she's left me" card as well. Do our children and others not realise that we would never have left if he were being a good and proper husband??

My ex also dealt out the control and verbal and emotional abuse while he was a workaholic and filled his non-work hours with hobbies and other activities. When I realised that he wasn't even willing to support me through some very sad family times, I knew it was time to go. I was very lonely in my marriage and the prospect of living on my own didn't frighten me. In fact, I relish the thought that I only have to take care of me. No more doing his washing, cleaning and cooking etc etc and receiving nothing in return.

Every time I start to feel a bit lonely, to feel sorry for myself on my own, I make myself remember how I felt when I had a husband who was never there, and I suddenly feel a whole lot better.

In the end, it doesn't matter what other people think, what cards our exes play. We can only be responsible for our own thoughts and actions.

You're already feeling the itch, the drive that sends you out looking for your place in the world. Maybe you could start by becoming a volunteer somewhere, and maybe enrol in a course of further education or a craft class. As you start to get out and about, you'll meet new people and eventually you'll be led in the direction you're meant to go. Having said that, I'm about 4 1/2 years out and I still feel as though I haven't found my niche, my soul purpose, and I still have days of indecision and unrest, but I'm in a much better place than I was 4 years ago. Small steps.

I think it takes a bit longer than 2-3 years to get over such a long relationship. I was married for 34 years and we went together for 5 years before we married. I'm not over it yet. It'll be different for each person, depending on their life experience, I expect. I didn't have a man waiting in the wings. I had to deal with Parental Alienation and estrangement from two of my children. These things have made it a bit longer healing than most, I think, but I'm getting there.

Have patience with yourself, love yourself, be there for yourself, and spoil yourself a little. When you do this, other gravitate towards you. Try it and see :)

love and hugs
kamary