Let me be among the first to respond to this.

At our age and position in life, I think the LAST thing we want to do is "carry" someone else financially. I know I fought way too hard and too long to get a good settlement in divorce to spend frivolously. When I met Tom (my former fiance) he had planned to go on a cruise to Bermuda and asked me to join him. While I would have willingly paid my own way, he INSISTED that the trip was on him. I paid for the gas to drive up to the port in New Jersey and back. That was all he would let me pay for and at that time, we were really in the early stages of our relationship.

I had already told myself that I was going back to Barbados in March 2008! When I told Tom about it, he was all excited, but I also made it perfectly clear that I couldn't pay HIS way. Airfare and accomodation for 8 days ran about $2,500 per person! so when I made the reservations, they split it 50/50 on our separate credit cards. I surely didn't want to give the impression that I was a woman of means who was going to be a "sugar mama" to ANYONE!

You are NOT being a snob! You are being smart and practical. Until you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, I believe that everything SHOULD be split 50/50. Even after Tom and I combined our households, we still kept to the 50/50 rule.

So I'm going to say if where you want to go on vacation is beyond the means of the person you are dating, then you either have to go by yourself or make plans to go somewhere that is within his means.

As far as "people our age" I think this is a good rule to follow REGARDLESS of what age you are! Hope this helps.

I agree with Kathi, you're not being a snob. You're being sensible. I don't expect to be carried financially by anyone, and I wouldn't find it acceptable to do so for anyone else.

If traveling is important to you, travel with friends and family. If your male friend or partner doesn't have money to go out, share the good things that don't cost a fortune: a walk in the woods followed by a picnic and bottle of wine at sunset, movie and popcorn night in, full contact backgammon, city sponsored concerts. There's a world of fun to be had that can match both person's pocketbooks.

Although I wouldn't avoid a friendship or even a serious relationship with a good man of modest means, I have to admit I probably wouldn't marry, putting my money in his hands legally. I've worked hard my whole life to live within my modest means, tougher than ever with my single income now, and I'm not willing to risk bankruptcy or financial ruin from anyone else's actions. Likewise, if he were wealthy, I would be uncomfortable spending more than I could afford on my own. I'm not into gold-digging anymore than I am into gold-diggers. Neither fit my taste or style.

Like MNMama I probably won't marry again. The thought of keeping assets safe for children would be more than I want to get into. Rumor around here is telling me that land prices are going to rise. If anything happened to me I would want my two girls to inherit. Keeping my assets and someone else's assets separate might be difficult. I know of a lady here in town who lived with a man for a few years. He tried taking her to court to get her farm. She was better off than he was.

Being older and remarrying is more difficult than when we were all younger. CowgirlKathi wrote some great advice. Like her I fought long and hard to get and keep this farm. I've seen a few guys come on here look around and try to get too friendly. I intend to either sell it myself or keep it for my girls. That's not being a snob. It's being careful who I let into my life.

I agree with Kathi, MNMama and trisha. I think you are being sensibly prudent and snobbery doesn't come into the equation.

I doubt that I will remarry. Part of the trust issue is - I fought hard for my settlement and I am unable to work due to health reasons. The last thing I want is to end up with another divorce, especially if he has less than I do, and takes half (or more) of what I have in addition to breaking my heart again.

love and hugs
kamary

There is yet the Gentlemen's Guidance and Etiquette Codes which men will generally decline a woman's offer of picking up the tab during the early formation of relationships. I suppose once the relationship develops, wondering if your guy should/want/can maintain the status quo etiquette despite the awareness of his "lower" financial ability is feasible. My advice, as long as you are just dating, do what is affordable for him. In other words, if he hasn't jet setting you around the world lifestyle during your dates, you might be wise not to choose pricey venues.

PS: I might have said this before, I expect men to pick up the tab on dates even if the date is for simple tea. It might be old school but it is good school. I say for women who has forgotten, allow the man to act his gentleman role and show you a good time. All you need to do is have fun [It is just a date!! Not a commitment.]