Very interesting article. Thank you for posting it.

When we were first married, we went to live overseas. I wasn't permitted to work while we were there, so I took leave without pay from my job. My ex refused to allow me enough cash (no credit cards in those days!) to do anything on my own. I had to start an account at the local grocery store so that I could buy groceries. I met other women who invited me to play sport, go shopping and go to the movies, but I couldn't do any of those things because I had no cash. Eventually, one of the couples we befriended talked to my ex on my behalf, and things improved.

He was always extremely ikey about money, and would insist that I was wasting money. At one stage, I did up a table which showed that if anyone was spending too much money, it was him!! All on bikes and his interests outside the home!! He stopped accusing me but he didn't allow me any more money to spend and he kept spending as much as he liked without discussing it with me.

When I was in hospital with my very sick 7mth old son, my ex bought an investment house without telling me anything until he presented me with a contract to be signed. I guess I should be grateful my name was included! Not only was I not included in the purchase, but what was he thinking, buying a house when we had a very sick little boy?!

Over the years, he regularly bought whatever vehicles he liked without discussing the finances with me, and yet when I wanted to buy new household appliances and needed a new sewing machine, I had to prove how I needed them and he would make me wait 'until it suited financially'.

Back in the late 1980s, some friends of ours were divorced and he told me he was horrified that the wife had demanded so much money in the settlement. He actually said that he would hate that to happen to him! He said that to me!! Wouldn't it be more normal for him to say he wouldn't like us to get divorced, that he'd hate to lose me?

Well, I can tell you, it gave me great pleasure to take as much money as I could get when we divorced. It was obvious that he loved his money more than anything else, including me. As I've said here before, he cheated on values, dragged things out, and did his best to prevent me getting the 50% I was entitled to. His comment? "You only need x amount" with a total disregard for my contribution to our income for all those years. He always saw the money as his.

While my ex wasn't quite to the extreme in the article, he had a lot of traits that KaMary's ex had. It seemed I always had to get "approval" for a big purchase, while he could buy whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. We went without a phone for the first six months of our marriage because he didn't think I needed it. I wasn't until I tried to make a gyno appointment on a pay phone that I became angry, stomped home and said I would have a phone. But it was always like this--it was a fight to get anything.

Finally, my mother sat me down and said, "You make a good salary. Why are you allowing him to dictate how much or when you can spend?" My mother rarely interfered, so when she did, I knew I needed to really think about it.

I finally totally changed when he had the first affair that resulted in the pregnancy. I saw hundreds of dollars leaving our home each month in support of the child. I told him then he would never again tell me how or when to spend money--that because of his irresponsibility, so much money was leaving our home. He didn't like this, and still made a stink when I would spend (he would criticize in front of friends, etc., all part of verbal abuse), but I simply ignored him. I realized in that moment how crucial it was for me to get my master's degree in teaching so I could maintain financial independence (he also bitched about this too).

I try to stress to my female students the importance of having a good job so they have financial independence. Divorcing my ex would have been ten times more difficult if I hadn't been on equal financial footing and I would be at his mercy with alimony, which I'm so glad I don't have to deal with. He never paid one temporary spousal support check on time, so that gave me a picture of what alimony would be like with him.

In the area I'm from, I still see so many women who do not have financial equality in the household, and many of them are trapped in terrible marriages. The best thing we can teach young women is how to be financially independent.

Good article, GoldenGirl. It really provides for great discussion.

"The best thing we can teach young women is how to be financially independent."

I could not agree more with this statement. I'm thankful that I have the chancre to teach my 20-year-old daughter that. I am learning about finances - for the first time - and I'm how old? Late 50s. Incredible. But the guys in my life always handled that and I was thankful for it because I hate doing it. Math has never been my thing, just don't understand it. I'm a creative type, an artist. But now, painfully, I see how important it is, made a big mistake letting my husband take control over it. Just didn't know how quietly he was using money and my lack of information to manipulate and control me. So, now I do. Do you all see now why I am attracted to the lump sum? To break free, to get away from him financially forever. To finally be at peace.

I also feel like I need counseling now to deal with this warped way I think about money. I'm afraid to spend money - on anything. My husband created that in me. But, while it's wise to be careful, it's not normal to have a constant fear of spending or think you're not worthy. Do you know what I mean? I never realized how pronounced all this was until we separated and he wasn't creating this unhealthy financial atmosphere anymore.

my wife was/is a control freak, very manipulative and skilled at hiding her web,
she's been draining cash for a long time, i never saw it, i never looked as I trusted
abuse can come wrapped and hidden in "sugar, spice, and every thing nice"

I agree, refurb. With my H, his style is to present something as if he has your best interests at heart but nothing could be further from the truth! He hands you a crumb, but the entire cake remains out of sight and under his control. Do you know what I mean?

The article is a good one, but it is really about how a physical abuser uses money as part of his control. There was never any physical abuse in my now-defunct marriage, but the now-X ALWAYS thought of all the money being his -- regardless of the fact that I worked full time, too, for 26 years of our 30 year relationship! Neither of us was a spendthrift, and I always asked for approval if a purchase involved a large sum of money. We usually decided on large expenditures together. But in the last few years, he got sullen about it because he thought HE should have anything HE wanted and I should go begging! I had sold my graphic design business in 2002 at HIS INSISTENCE and the truth was, it had become a tax liability for us when he started pulling down 6 figures consistently. The farm was paid for. We had no debt, nice retirement accounts and had made out well flipping a couple of properties in the area. And I certainly did NOT lie on the sofa watching Oprah! all day -- taking care of that big old house, the farm and our animals was a full-time job 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year!

Unfortunately, he brainwashed me into believing that I had no money sense and it has taken me a long time to not fear being totally in charge of my finances.

I negotiated some serious bucks alimony for 6 years post-divorce, but I never saw that as being financially dependent upon him. In fact, I saw it as SEVERANCE PAY. He "fired" me from the marriage and thought I should just walk away happy. Didn't happen. He was only two days late ONE TIME and, in the end, he paid me a month too much (he will NEVER hear about that). I just laughed all the way to the bank.

Mothers: Teach your children well! Especially your female children! Long gone are the days of being "taken care of" by a man. I will never EVER give over control of my finances to someone else!

Yes, "The best thing we can teach young women is how to be financially independent."

Equally important, is knowing what marriage is. Yes, we may go into marriage with passion and emotions, but marriage operates legally and is treated as a business entity. It has rights, power, and rules of authority. It's why I love Suze Orman's approach bringing awareness to women needing to reclaim their power and veto. Although "women's liberation" were in the works , it somehow lagged in signifying women's comprehension of BEING a full partner in the marital business of marriage. One often relinquished their rights from misguidance.