There is nothing wrong with you! What is happening does go on during divorce. Some of us, me included lost a friend during the divorce. It is hard to understand, but some people can not handle it, or feel that it may be catching! In reality some people do not want to get involved, can't handle that they may self examine themselves or their relationships. Or they simply take sides. I had a good experience also, my friend who called me every single night for an hour or two, went back to work after 25 years. She did that for herself, and although her husband owned her own business, she wanted some independence and since her husband had a very successful business, she wanted to get back to being who she in the world, now that her kids were gone. She wanted to take care of her, not others! She said Ms Tereys Divorce was a life altering experience for not just me, but her too. She and her husband ended up going to counseling with my therapist, working out things.

Another friend of 15 years, had my ex during the divorce over to her house without telling me, under the guise of fixing their computer. That was her right, but it was not her right to tell him what I was doing in the divorce side, ( getting a lawyer) and she could never believe he was not Mr. Nice Guy. Even though I fled to her house with my dog in a nightgown because he locked me out of the house one night... She actually told me when I ended the friendship, she thought the divorce was all my fault. NO one needs friends like these..and my other friend, she and her had a fall out also. Ended their friendship. Others here have similar stories It is not your fault... and divorce is not contagious I used to say. It hurts, but believe me, you have to let it go. I met many wonderful people after my divorce and made some new friends. You will too.

You are doing wonderful. After 6 months of him leaving, to know you don't want him any longer is a huge deal. Many people take a lot longer to figure out that they were really alone in the relationship. I say don't be a victim of divorce, and you are well on the way to going forward. Work on the house refinancing. I did the same, and I could not refinance until I actually was divorced. Divorce is very stressful and was for me also. One big stress was I wanted to buy him out of the house, but he did not want to agree on the maintenance amount. So that was an unknown, and that was part of the equation of whether I could get him off the note, or be able to refinance. Very stressful for a year! I did, and I did not have to refinance, they just took him off. I felt like I won the lottery!

I will give you a hint, talk to your lawyer. My house is almost all equity, so the value for the bank was not an issue. I wanted it to appraise on the low, because I wanted to in effect buy back my exes half of the house. I get that you want to appraise high so the bank knows it has worth, but this is the one time you do not want it to be high, because you are in effect buy back your own house! It is a balance.

You will get through this, you will go on and you will look back and see that these friends were not friends. Others here will tell you similar. Your whole life seems out of your control. It takes time. I did not want to hear that when I was going through it, it seemed like a cliche, but time does put things in perspective. The reality is that once I figured out that my life was mine to do whatever I wanted, things got better. You will too. Sorry I am so long winded.. I have to get out and rake! Putting that off too.. but as my lawyer once told me, but they are YOUR leaves now. Spend your time working on getting everything in order to do the refinance. YOU are dong great. HUGS

I agree, the fact that you KNOW you don't want him back is huge. I had no friends during the marriage. My EX is very controlling and was suspicious of anyone I made friends with. I think he feared if I confided in them about how I was treated they would urge me to leave the marriage. Anyway, any friends were his friends and even then for me they were acquaintances. As soon as I filed for divorce I joined meetups and made my own friends and honestly it is nice they don't know him because they don't ask about him. I want to enjoy my life and not having him in my head taking up space is how I do it.

Hang in there (((HUGS))), you are doing great. Your feelings are normal given the circumstances

Kelly...about 2 years before my 1st divorce with my ex ...one of my friends husband had an affair and ran off with the OW. This couple was a part of our friend community. When this happened...I am ashamed to say...I did the exact same thing to her as your friend did to you. I did not hang out with her husband and OW but I did abandon her from my support. I did not know how to deal with it. I ran away from the situation rather than be there for her...and yes...at that point in my life...I was afraid it was contagious. Due to my ignorance I lost a good friend that could not be recovered. To this day...I regret it and when I see her I feel shame.

When I divorced the same thing happened to me...I write it off as Karma. But...I do understand why they do it. Nothing can prepare us for the emotions we feel in divorce...unless you've been through it...how could you. As painful as it is...you have to just let it go. Your true friends will shine through. Big Hugs...Kathy

Oh, Kelly, I'm so sorry your friends hurt you. As I've heard and I'm learning over this past year, you discover who your true, loving friends are in a divorce. I've had the same happen situations happen with a few friends as well as my sister and her husband. It hurt likes hell. I think it hurts more because of the betrayal of the stbx. I try to remember how strong I am getting and the relationships I do have are healthy and loving relationships.

With friends like that, who needs enemies. Also, keep in mind, if your stbx is anything like mine, my stbx is very persistent with our mutual friends. He doesn't understand boundaries. People tell him they don't want to be bothered and he waits a month or two and then tries contact again, He doesn't believe anyone dislikes him and what he has done was wrong. He wasn't happy and that's all that matters. Besides, he believes it's me telling everyone lies and turning people against him.

I am working on new friendships as well. It's hard, but it's nice to have friends who don't know the stbx and the subject doesn't come up at all. We can make a whole, new life for ourselves without the jerks. That sounds great to me!!!

Kelly:
I can identify with your feelings and I also can fully endorse what both MsTerey and DebbieLeo have told you about their experiences. Until something really BIG and DEVASTATING happens in your life, you can never be quite sure who your TRUE FRIENDS are.

A TRUE FRIEND loves you no matter what -- they don't run off when the going gets rough. And while they might not always agree with you, they will always STICK BY YOU and SUPPORT YOU.

When you get farther down the road into your New Life, you will reflect on these experiences and just say to yourself, "Uh huh. NOW I can see that those people really WEREN'T TRUE FRIENDS." and you won't really have any feelings about it one way or another.

You will also get out there and make NEW friends. It's a clean slate and there's no reason to divulge how you became single again. I caution you NOT to drag the current drama into your new life and new relationships. Working with a therapist or counselor NOW will have a lot to do with how you move on.

In any event, know that you are safe here -- this is a very caring and supportive group and most of us have "been there and done that" so you can benefit from the Wisdom of Our Group Experience!

Sending you big squeezy hugs!

So sorry this happened to you

Sometimes these so called friends and even the EX's family members either new something and didn't say anything or were suspicious. They could disappear because they feel guilty or ashamed. Often when a spouse is cheating the one who tells the betrayed is not believed. I had people say after the fact they new stuff. By then it didn't matter or help to know. I moved on. He has to live with his choices and I'm happier than I've been in years....almost want to call him up and thank him.

Kelly, I remember you - welcome back!
Friends disappear in life. Divorce is definitely a challenge for many people. What surprises me is that even though SO many marriages end in divorce (over 50% I think?), and it has touched everyone's life in one way or another...people still pull the covers over their eyes or go running for the hills when it happens to a friend? Puzzling!

It happened to me. It happened to pretty much everyone on this site. It's actually so common that it's NORMAL that friends will desert, disappear, whatever you want to call it.

The very friends whose home I 'ran to' the day after he told me about his affair is the one who deserted me first! She didn't even LIKE my husband, she ended up admitting to me. Neither did her husband! I still can't figure out what drove her to stop contacting me...but it happened. It hurt for awhile, but nothing like the fall out from the divorce itself, the pain of abandonment from my runaway husband etc.

I got over losing her. Know what helped me to get over it? I made one new, really great friend, who helped me and laughed with me...she barely knew my ex and I think the lack of connection with my 'old' life made it easier to be with her, laugh with her, take advice from her. Ironically, my friendship with her would never have happened if my life did not take the twists and turns that it did that brought the two of us together!

You'll get over it. It's a loss, but not one that is unbearable. You will make new friends, you really will!
Heck, I have moved to a new town and I have every confidence that I will make new friends.
Real friends don't desert you. If you have ONE true friend in life, you are blessed.

Since the only person you control is yourself, you only have to feel bad about your behavior. I put things like this in my greatful file. Be greatful this type of person is out of your life, leaving room for new, better friends. Easier said then done I know. I hate when I let people make me feel sad/ mad when I did nothing wrong. These people are like old cloths that dont fit any more. Let them go, give them to the goodwill. Time to go shopping for new ones. IMHO Hugs

Kellyb, I have lost friends, too. Some were expected because I knew they were really my ex's friends, but there have been others that set me back a bit, and were totally unexpected losses.

I'm still shocked that two of my brothers weren't there for me. One of them told me he wouldn't help me because he was afraid he would jeopardise his (lifetime) friendship with my exSIL and her husband.

One good thing. Though it hurt like hell for a long time, I know where I stand with these people, and I don't put myself in a position to be hurt by them again.

I used to think that I have trust issues since the divorce, but I'm coming to realise it's not trust issues - it's more of a selfcare thing. I have formed new friendships and trusted those people. What I've learned is not to put myself in the firing line of people who have SHOWN that they can't be trusted. That includes all the people who dropped me when we divorced.

Even though you're still hurting, you are better off to know where you stand, and their absence opens up the pathways for new friends to come in for you :) All you have to do, is open your heart to that.

love and hugs
kamary

Wow! As usual ladies, your words are a big shot in the arm of support, wisdom and confidence. Thank you for your candor and honesty. Today is a new day and I refuse to give them anymore of my time.

Don't read too much into it. You don't really know if they called him, or if they got put on the spot and saw him somewhere and were sort of caught.

There's no mileage in it, although I know it makes you feel bad. That's just stinkin thinkin and it sucks.

(Hugs)