I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. She is only 14 and at this age life is only about them and what they can get that keeps them in the same circle with there friends. My only advice is she is old enough to begin to understand that life has responsibilities and consequenses to choices. So explain to her why you are doing all that she sees as wrong or poor choices on your part, you do not and I wouldn't bring Dad and his house into the equation but the reasons for your situation can be explained to a 14 year old easy enough so that someday and it may not be now, but someday she can look back and see that you did the best you could for the current situation and she will love you for trying to help her to understand. She may like the shopping and eating out at 14 better but she will love you for understanding her real needs and providing her stability in the long run. Trust yourself in that she is your daughter and she will see what is really important in the end. She may say hurtful things all teenagers do...even if you and your husband were still together raising a teenager is a challenge. So the added stress of a divorce is hard. Treat her with love and boundaries that you would just the same and she will come around, right now she is living the high life with Dad and the GF trust me if you provide stability and honesty when the real problems come along (and they will because life is like that) it will be her REAL MOM that she comes home to, So talk to her so she sees you for who you are and do the best you can to provide stable, honest open relationship with appropriate boundaries and she will play the game of what I can get for awhile but when the true tests comes along you will be the one they want. JUST BE A MOM (let dad buy all the clothes, prom dresses and expensive stuff thats what he is setting himself up for) Again I am sorry for your added pain==raising kids is such a challenge. Get yourself a friend or counselor to help you keep a balanced perspective.

That is hard and I can relate to a lot of it. My D had a birthday a few weeks ago. Her Dad took her to the rodeo, then on a shopping trip and sent her to a salon for a manicure and pedicure. Plus a week later had a fish fry for her (fish is $5.99 a lb!). She was a total Daddy's girl while he was doing all that stuff. Even changed her FB profile pic to one of the two of them. I got jealous pangs whenever I saw it on my page. It didn't take long and she was back to her old self. I wonder what he is setting her up for in real life. I mean, he showers her with gifts and never did that for me while we were married. She is going to look for a man who does that for her when she grows up. What if she gets someone like him? I was at the bottom of the totem pole in our marriage.

Kids are fickle. When my D complains about how messy the house is I remind her how she is welcome to pitch in and clean up. Most of the stuff lying around is hers. Do you think you can arrange some one on one time with her? She may just be trying to get your attention. Wants to be reassured where she fits into your life.

One thing I do know is that kids lack the depth of understanding to feel your pain. It all about ME, ME, ME, in her world. If she is really hurting you and keeping you from having peace in your life, you may have to detach a bit. I'm sure that I won't make it into the Mother Hall of Fame, but after my divorce, I just told my boys flatly that it was my house and that if they didn't like it, they could leave. I decided that I had enough hurt to deal with and no matter how young or inexperienced they were, they did not have the right to hurt me. They were 20 and 21, but I don't even think a 14 year-old has a right to kick you when you are down. Maybe you'll be able to deal with her when you are stronger. She is female and some day she will get it.

I agree with the advice everyone has given. She's in that inbetween age of child and growing up. A teen but not an adult. I know I had a lot of trouble with my daughter between 12 and 15. I wasn't divorced at the time.

Don't change your rules and values just because she is being bratty. Your daughter will come around in time. Work on yourself some for now. If she sees you being strong and projecting that image back to her she will be proud of you. Doesn't mean she will change her atitude but she will one day.

I know 14 is a terrible age to deal with. When my kids were that age, I never thought I would be able to talk to them again, and my stbx and I were not divorced, or even separated, so some of this behavior is typical teenage crap.
Nevertheless, you still have the right to make the rules in your house, and you can be understanding of your daughter's emotions without letting her attitude ruin your day.
You can be sympathetic to a point about how difficult her life is, and, really, just being a teenager is a difficult time, but you can also set limits on the amount of complaining you will listen to.
Just like kids tune us out when they don't want to hear what we have to say, you can make sympathy noises while you are thinking pleasant thoughts. It's hard work to tune your kids out, but it can be done.
I used to pick a spot on their forehead to look at while I was nodding at them and saying how hard it must be for them, but I was actually thinking about beautiful scenery and lovely historic buildings that I was picturing on an imaginary wall behind the teenager. So all that complaining gradually becomes just static, and you don't have to tune in to every word.
You can also give yourself permission to leave the room when you've had enough of her complaints. You can just excuse yourself politely, just like she was a casual aquaintance, and go about your business. If she follows you, so be it, just go back to tuning her out and move on to another spot in the house.
If you and she can get out of the house, even better, but this routine takes practice and it doesn't work every time.
You also have permission to have a short pity party when she leaves. It really sucks to have to go through this, and you can vent as much as you need to, just not to her, since she will carry that back to the ex and ow.
((hugs))

Zouga--great response. Gee, I wish I knew you when I was going through this crap. My teenage daughter was a nightmare and I was married at the time. You have my sympathies Fatallove--mine thought I was dumber than dirt during this time. So much drama and theatrics that didn't slow much until she had kids of her own. She's 36 now and FINALLY figuring out that she isn't right about everything. You have gotten a lot of great suggestions--unfortunately none of them are an easy fix. Be strong and take care of yourself!

I did this same crap to my mom when I was 14 and my parents first divorced. My mom had a talk with me one day. She said, "You treat our home like it's a dump and talk about your dad's place like it's a palace." She reminded me that I needed to be respectful.

I felt terrible after that talk and started watching my mom. It was then I noticed the 14-hour days she was working (she was a secretary and would drive school bus after work to ball games to make extra money for us). I noticed how she did without so my sibs and I could have things. I noticed how she was the one who had to repair the furnace, crawl under the house and work on freezing pipes, fix the car muffler, etc.

In other words, I got a reality check. Sounds like your daughter needs one too. I don't think 14 is too young to sit a child down and have a very frank discussion about expectations and respect.

Lay it on the line--tell her about the financial situation. Make her understand that your ex makes more money. Divorce doesn't give kids the right to be cruel. You need to let her know her comments are hurtful.

Hugs! I'm sorry you've been hurt.

Fatalove you're receiving some great advice. Yeah at that age it is all about "ME ME ME". I know it hurts like hell. I'm still not able to provide stuff for my kids right now but I am over it. I know what I am working towards and I am not going to buy my kids. In fact, when something happens they always come running to me. One thing my mom keeps telling me is that my ex's GF will never love my kids the way that I do and the kids know it. They want to feel like they belong and they may enjoy the newness of it. Plus GF is on her best behavior right now. Wait until things get old. and they do. I wish I can say things are going to get better but later on your daughter may have to deal with the jealousy with the other kids. She may get jealous because of the time that her dad gives to the GF's kids and also the GF. Continue to be the mom you've always been her.

I just want to say I'm sorry for your pain. That hurts terribly.

I agree it has MUCH to do with her age, but telling her you are maxed out and it hurts might give her a little "jog". 14-16 are my least fave...

Oh FL - this is just truly a hard time. I know that parenting teens through divorce for me is much more challenging then anything else I've done. Their own pains predominate and natural adolescent egoism. My son won't talk with me - and my daughter tells me all I ever did was run away from my problems and it's all about me. I have found that at this age the divorce has propelled an extension of adolescence and return to some earlier and younger coping patterns. For me -- my daughter--- at 18 hasn't gotten a part-time job and tries to question every fiscal decision I make (you say we have to be on a budget or we have credit card bills but you just bought this..... ). I realize it is control that her dad exerted over finances constantly and a pattern she is picking up the reins on. She's feeling pain but it's coming out in all sorts of ways. So I know it is hard in trying to cope (good lord - this is the more difficult aspect of the divorce truth be told for me).

You are a good mom - and no one as GO as said will love her as you do. What our teens say often times isn't what they mean. Keep doing things as well for yourself to help you live and balance life. It sure helps with the stresses of raising kids. Sunday I got out for a little while and it sure was a wonderful feeling just to spend time with a friend.