Its really hard, I personally feel you should always be in a state of moving forward and growing. Standing still and waiting for someone to decide whether they want you or not is stagnating, debilitating and will not give you the confidence you need to move on to whatever may come. You need to love yourself enough to make this happen. Change your thought pattern, this is a really exciting time for you too, she is not the only one that has been married for 21 years, I'm not saying go out and form new relationships straight away or anything, but its enriching to have the opportunity to get to know other people from the opposite sex and hear their stories and be let into their life in some way. Think of it in this way rather than the old fashioned 'dating' sense. Go out make some lady friends, hear their stories, participate in life and get in amongst it. Your ex may or may not decide she wants you back and that's up to her, leave her with it. Your life should be moving forward, if she decides to come along for the ride later that's great, but if not you may surprise yourself and find that you no longer want that anyway. Good luck and wishing you many wonderful experiences.

I understand why you may hope to reconcile, especially with her comment.
To me, her comment is a throw away line.
Separation is someone not being all in or all out
Divorce is all out.

Here's what my counselor told me to do. He told me to make a list of the top 5 things that are a priority. Then, when we are dating, if they don't meet the top 5 things, then they aren't for you. The same for your x. If she doesn't meet the top 5 things, then it shouldn't be.

I think you have to move on. Work on making yourself a better person. Maybe down the road you won't want her back. You'll be stuck if you don't move forward and then she may not want you. I sure wouldn't bank my life on waiting for her to decide. Do what is best for you, and it will work out. Don't let her make your decisions. You are now in charge of your life. You'll be amazed what you learn through this journey. Through the tough times is when we grow the most.

Good luck

I know how you are feeling. Sometimes it's easier to be with the "devil you know" then meet the "devil you don't". I felt that way for a while too about my ex. He tells me all he time he has no interest in dating anyone, that he doesn't date. He's also talked lightly about us getting back together in the future. I sometimes got sucked his words, thinking he missed me and how I still loved him. I could imagine getting back together....

However, when I really thought about it, nothing has changed with us, and the last years of pain and hurt would not have meant anything. I've learned from it, grown from it. He is still the same man who has a poor moral compass. What I have learned from his past, he is most likely lying about not dating anyone. His words are said to control me and keep me stuck in loving him more than he loved me. I choose to love myself more and move on.
Granted I do love and forgive him, but I do not want my past to be my future too. It will be if I go back to him. I am not sure how your relationship with your ex was but do you want your past to be the same as your future? Ask yourself that.

I hate typing on my iPad cause it changes my words and I hate that we can't edit our responses on this site. So sorry for my errors.

If you still love her then you should tell her that.....after my divorce if my husband had tried even a little I would have taken him back....I divorced him because i felt like he was so unhappy and I felt like it was my fault even though he had been abusive to me most of our marriage...I loved him very much and if he got divorced from the woman he is married to now and wanted us to try again I would.......so if I were you I would tell her how you feel and see how she feels and go from there

I don't know how bad things were between you, or if this was just a separation that went too far, but I would try to move myself forward and leave her to her own devices.

If she decides some day she wants to reconcile, and you're available and willing, she'll have to try to do it with a man with more wisdom, maturity and personal growth than she knew before.
If she spends the in-between time evolving, becoming wiser and a better person too, your relationship will be the better for it, right? If she didn't grow, you may find you're past her.

If neither of you grow, you will both be stuck right back where you were when you separated and divorced, and I can't imagine that would be healthy.

It's very soon after your divorce. Wanting to "keep an eye on" your ex wife makes me wonder if you might have some work to do around co-dependency issues, or perhaps you just need more space and time to grieve and accept the end of your marriage.

I tried waiting for my husband to choose us over his addictions. He spoke of hoping we would be happy again too. He didn't choose us, and we divorced. I understand he finally hit bottom and got sober a year or so later and is now in recovery.
I still have feelings for my husband too, AND I'm far enough along to know better than to act on them. I'm finished giving my wasband the power to hold me back from becoming the best person I can and living life right now. No waiting for me. I'm moving ahead and if (God forbid) he actually wants me back some day, he'll have to catch me.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you base it on taking care of yourself and self empowerment. Don't give control over your life to another person. It doesn't work well for anyone. Take care.

Thanks everyone.

MNMama I had the same experience as you , it seems . And I decided long enough ago to do what you said too . For some sick reason , they want you putting a hold on your life waiting on them while they do whatever they want . ...

Good for you RossHomes. The waiting and trying to work on us was exhausting, draining, and traumatic. Didn't see any of that while I was in it, not until after we divorced. There was something positive about it though: I never have to say I didn't do everything I could to save our marriage. I have no regrets, no "would it have worked if I tried this?" moments. I did everything I could, but he didn't, and one person can't save a marriage. No regrets for me, but sadly, he will have them the rest of his days.

Correction.....One regret....that I didn't realize that I had done all I could sooner. I hung on at least a year too long, perhaps two, praying for a miracle that didn't come.

The hard and fast answer to your question, in my opinion, is yes, you are in denial. Holding out hope that you will re-unite, after a divorce, well....the odds are pretty slim. I'm sure at some point Dairy will weigh in on this thread...she married the same man twice and....ended up divorced again.

I can't fathom why your ex talked about divorced people reconciling...is it she who left the marriage? This just doesn't jive with me. Maybe she was trying to soothe your aching heart somewhat? Give you hope, however false? I've no idea, only you would know this (if you even understand it...it must complicate being able to sort out your emotions terribly!).

Thing is, you still love your wife. Letting go, letting love die, well that's more difficult than anybody whose not gone through heartbreak could ever imagine! I feel for you, I really do. But you need to let go. She's not yours any longer, and your eye should not be cast her way. HOW do you keep an eye on her anyhow? Watching her secretly? Staying in touch through email or text?

You need to go no contact or you'll never break the ties the used to bind you. Divorce is final. Sure there's the odd time when folks reconcile, and the even MORE rare time when it works out but......it's just not a good place to live! You can't really live, you'll never move on if you continue putting yourself in limbo, waiting.....

I wish you much luck in moving on. I don't think you sound ready to date yet because you're looking to replace something that you've lost and that's NOT the right reason. You need to work on you for awhile! Good luck on your journey....I'll keep my eye out on the forum for YOU!