I have boxes of video tapes, my stbx and I were big on family videos and pictures. I decided that rather than keep the bulky VHS tapes I would transfer them to DVDs. So I got out the videos and started to transfer them. Unfortunately they have to play while you transfer.

The tapes are from when my husband and I were first married. He was in Japan and I was in the states in school. He would make videos of himself and some of the things he did and send them to me. Some of the tapes he's just sitting in front of the camera talking to me. He plays our songs for me and tells me how much he loves me and misses me. He even sings to me in some of them. They were love letters on video.

I haven't seen them all yet, but I watched a couple today. As I watched I felt so many emotions. At parts I cried, at parts I laughed. I had forgotten those times. A part of me remembered why I love him so much, but a part of me knew the man on the tapes isn't the man I'm dealing with today. It was nice to see him before the change. Before life got in the way of our love. Of course the pain is sickening. I just have this overwhelming wish to go back in time and be held by the man I married. Tonight I'll hold my pillow tight in my arms and feel the love expressed in the videos and it will feel wonderful and then it will turn to pain as it sinks in further that the promises he made in the tapes didn't come true. The love he expressed turned to resentment and hate. The hopes and dreams we had were just illusions never destined to come true. His promise of faithfulness, a lie.

I watch those tapes and I can't understand why it can't be that way again. My love for him now is stronger than it was back then. We have a family now (he talked about how he couldn't wait to have a baby on the tape), we have a house, we have money, we have so much of what we wanted.

I want to give him a copy. I want him to remember. I want him to feel something other than anger. But what if I give it to him and he sees it and it just solidifies his position? I guess there's no question I'm still hoping. But after everything... I'm so lost and confused. My life is a mess. I'm completely overwhelmed with the stuff that I need to take care of and I'm not even working right now. How am I ever going to manage to fit in a job too? I am in the pit of despair and I'm having such a hard time. I'm feeling very hopeless and out of control. I feel like I just don't know what is going to happen next but that something big is surly coming. I think I'm going to call my mom and ask if she can come up and stay with me a few days. Maybe that will help. I'm losing it.