Hi guys. This week is going to be tough. I have to actually see and interact with the stbx on Tuesday. I am already preparing for the fallout. I will probably regress. Start missing him again and start feeling sad again. The good news is that it IS finally dawning on me that IT IS OVER. My old life is over. This man does not care about me and does not want any responsibility for me. He just wants me gone. If someone can loathe you that much, it is time to see them for what they are. I have to protect myself. I am very sad, somewhat depressed and lost; however, I am gaining acceptance, seeing him for the monster he is, actually starting to see that he is incapable of love. I am actually starting to see a hopeful future. I am surrounded by amazing people. My family (regardless of our problems) are still here. They love me and want me to be okay. I have made a very, very good friend. She is becoming a best friend. This is a big step for me since the stbx isolated me and drove my friends away one by one. Frist, he claimed to have feelings for my best friend, so that ended and then little by little he claimed they all came on to him. Again, amazing since he looks like a crooked teeth, big nosed crack addict with no upper body muscle tone. My university has rehired me for next semester and will pay the tuition. SO THERE IS A PATH FOR ME TO CONTINUE (IF NOT FINISH) the Phd. I now have a drivers license so it means I can get around and part of the settlement is I will get the 15 year car. It's fine to get around in until I need something else. So there are positive steps I am starting to see. Is the fog clearing? Don't know. Do I still have more moments of ABSOLUTE DESPAIR? of course. Can I sleep through the night? NO. But am I stronger than I was 5 months ago? ABSOLUTELY! I am actually, really thinking of my life without this man. I am starting to see that maybe I should love myself. I started reading a book by Susan Anderson called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I now realized that it was my inability to handle my loneliness and my fear of abandonment that allowed me to let this man USE ME and give me so little. At the end of a 22 relationship, he has finished a phd, has a tenure track pensioned job, with student loans almost paid and a wife who was loyal, never cheated AND WAS WORKING TOWARDS A MORE SECURE FUTURE. Yes, I did not have a full time job which brought in a stable income BUT I taught at the university, was actively working on a dissertation AND taking care of his needy a$$. I may not have cooked, cleaned, washed or picked him up from the train station as he liked . But I did my best and I am not meant to be his maid! He can kiss my A$$ and go find his frigging maid. What he got was a loyal woman who never cheated on him, was GREAT in bed and frankly is not bad to look at. I am pretty damn smart and competent when I don't have a weasel draining my soul. So no, I am NOT a loser because I didn't have a full time job. Getting a phd while working is actually a pretty big deal. And so what if I didn't have my license? You know what THAT WAS A LIE. Because I now have my license and that didn't make a difference. He is simply a nasty, selfish, narcissist who had grown tired of me. He found himself a little chickie and wants out. THAT IS IT! No other excuse on the planet will do. So, I am no longer going to torture myself (or at least work towards not doing that) because at the end of the day, HE decided to cheat on me. He decided to step out of our marriage, ask a woman out, plan dates, have sex with her in my home, cuddle with her and cheat on me--his loyal wife. So it's on him. He doesn't get to pretend he belongs on the high road. He is nothing but gutter trash. And me? Well, perhaps I am capable of finding a good, decent man because I am not a cheater and not all men are cheaters. And since I don't cheat, perhaps I will retain my ability to trust BUT NOW WITH VERIFICATION.