I can only speak from my own experience, which was.. stbx was told by a lawyer the courts would require him to have done some therapy to save the marriage after so many years.. We went for one year ( sounds like a lot but actually only about 7 visits with long gaps between,, he was after all busy lol) .. He allowed me to vent while he just took it all in.. See how invested he is in the sessions.. it SHOULD be a safe place to vent on both ends... imo you should not have to apologize for anything you may say if its the truth(big if) and how you feel and neither should he. You might discover things about yourself good and bad ..you didnt realize in the process. Good Luck and I hope it works for you.. Hugs

thanks tryn---I will give it a try,we have been to one on one counseling b4 and nothing came of it..so we will see how group does.

antaresmom:
I am confused by your terminology. You say "we have been to one on one counseling" -- was that just one of you with a counselor or BOTH of you with a counselor at the same time?
If it was BOTH of you at the same time and "nothing came of it" I fail to see where being part of group counseling would do much good.
But you have to have the right counselor/therapist in order for any conversation to be facilitated and BOTH SPOUSES have to be willing to be open and honest in sessions!
I am encouraged by his effort to at least want to try this. But the proof will be how he acts in session! Good luck and keep us informed.

We meaning BOTH kathi that is correct,maybe who knows if he sees other couples being irrational at group maybe it will open his eyes a little to how he has been treating me,I really dont know at this point,as i still think he has accepted to doing group as a way of keeping me here,so that he doesnt have to grow up and be responsible,many many MAYBE'S in this,we will see how monday goes,and how he is over this weekend,I am still going to the lawyer on Tuesday at noon,its a free consult,so i might as well stock up on info........I really do wish i had a better feeling about/ towards him,but there is my little voice saying just watch him and be careful,I think its a ploy somehow to get me to stay.......highly confused at this point,will see what happens.

I may be wrong but this sounds like you are going to a religious or other group marriage encounter and not counseling. You are at crisis level and not looking to enrich your marriage by group sessions with similar couples. You need to see a couples therapist together, if nothing came of the first one, find another that you "click" with. I have nothing against that type of group, but it doesn't sound like it is for your situation. You need a professional to be objective and monitor what is going on so you can open up some communication. If you do decide to go forward and divorce, it may help both of you, if you do not and decide to work together, you need a qualified therapist.

If you feel in your gut that he is doing this to placate you, he probably is. You know him. I have nothing against these kind of groups, but it could do more harm than good. One aspect of group therapy is that people can feel attacked and you need professional help, not a group of lay people whom mean well but could do more harm than good. I would tell your husband that you want to go to couples counseling one on one with him and if he want to meet your terms and work on this he will go. Keep your free lawyers consult, find out where you stand and what will happen financially if you do divorce. Best to you!

Thanks MsTerey,we have tried the 1 on 1 counseling before,we are going to group which is run by my therapist and has 3 other couples in it,I just wanna see how he reacts,cuz the 1 on 1 he either kept quiet or kept saying he wasn't doing anything wrong...

Inconsistent behavior and mixed messages can make anyone confused. Another term used, is being "some-timey".... being cold then hot often is an attempt to pacify.

The spouse's inability of accountability for his degrading and devaluing behavior is a BIG issue . The lack of speaks volume ...particularly after individual counsel . Did its affects goes in on ear and out the other is what you're saying. Obviously, you saw No change. It otherwise would represent the signs of internalizing and desire to reconcile. Back to the old saying, "You can't make the horse drink the water".

As a side note, it might be interesting to know the counselor's assessment, diagnosis, and plan of solution might be. Ask? Their opinion may be a positive clue they've noticed any motive on his behalf to change. Change happens S-L-O-W-L-Y.

I just saw your post.

He has given you an answer. Aknowledge it...."he wasn't doing anything wrong".

meaning what toby??? that he wasnt doing anything wrong???confused at your statement here.

Yeh, actting out bad behavior is not acceptable, right? Sorry dear, it seems the quote your husband has given explicitedly means he has no need to work on his nasty little behavior. Afterall, he believes nothing is wrong....to treat his wife badly, so there is nothing to fix. And that means, NO CHANGE NEEDED.

yeah toby i knew that,just hard to believe it,thanks for justifying my convictions tho.