Mine has been one year and 2 months. I'm doing better. I still think about it every day but not constantly. It will probably years before we can totally forget it. When I read your post I realized yesterday was exactly 1 year and 2 months. I guess it's a start that I forgot yesterday.

My goal is to live each day to its fullest. Whatever he does, I have no control over. I try to avoid the people that would feed me information about what he was doing. I just do OK with that. Then I get depressed. I want to show HIM that I am enjoying life.

Just do your best. We all have our down days. Our self esteem gets killed when we are left for someone else. Remember that's it's not greener on the other side.

I'm at almost 6 months and thinking about him drives me crazy - I'm really just beating myself up, I think. I hope others will have some advice about this.

Well I wish I had some great words of wisdom to tell you but I dont . All I can say is that I have just learned to love myself more then I ever have. I get up every morning look myself in the mirror and tell myself I am worth it and I deserve better. Then I take my shower and do my hair and put on my make up even though I know I am not going any where. The more pride one takes in ones self the better we do feel. It is very hard to not think about the person you once loved, but remember that person no longer exhists. Like my stbx's Mammaw told me "That was another life, this is your new life."

Like most everyone here says try to stick to no contact , no phone calls, text messages , or email if you are having a hard time of it, especially during the holidays. If you have friends in common and they are always bringing up your X . Just let them know that you know that they mean well but you would prefer to not talk about your X. Tell them it is too much for you right now trying to deal with it all during the holidays. Im sure they will understand , mine did. Hugs to you love I hope some of this may have helped.

It's been a year and a half for me too and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I'm trying very hard to stay busy, trying to get out of the apt. and do nice things for me, but there is still this huge empty space inside of me. I don't want him back but I don't understand why I have this almost obsession about him. We were married for 24 years and I've known him for 37 years. I guess that one a half years isn't too much time to heal given the length of time we were involved with our spouses.

Here's wishing you peace and comfort today and every day. I know that one day we WILL get to the point of putting them behind us, until then we'll help each other. Hugs.

It has been almost 2 years since this fiasco started and 10 months since we were separated. I am sorry to say, not a day ever goes by that I don't think of him quite a bit. I, too, keep busy with work and my son, but it is on my mind a lot. I guess when you loved someone so much and for so long, they aren't going to just disappear from our thoughts, although that might be nice for a while. We had a life with them for a lifetime. There are many good memories, but I know most of us are not ready to face them because they are too painful! We cannot wash away a lifetime!

I am sorry I don't have any cure for you, but maybe it helps a little to know that I am right there with you!
Many hugs to you!

I like the others wish I could tell you how to magically get thoughts of them out of yor head. I have none.
It's been 18 months this week and I admit to thinking abotu him probably every day of my life. I also have to say it's not as much as it used to be - it's not every waking hour. I find I think more of him when I'm tired and things with parenting and job stress gets to me - there is no help with this stuff now - it's just me. I wish I could say I hated him but I don't. I am working at forgiving - basically for ome so I can move on and be healthy.
The one thing I personally am working hard at is not becoming bitter, and hateful - life s too short for those emotions.
Although my life has made a turn that i didn't expect it to go - I have people every day telling me how much better off I will be in the end. When i hear those words it makes me feel like this was the worst decision I had ever made in my life by marrying him in the first place. I really can't go there at all because out of my marriage I got the best gift of all - 2 great kids - and I know that. I guess it does all happen for a reason - I just have no answer as to what that reason was.
When I think of the exass - I wonder why can't he just say he was sorry, too little words ' I'm sorry - somehow I've got into my mine that that would make me feel better - but I will never have closure from him - he will never admit to beign wrong - or for that matter he wll never admit he had a part in all of this - he chose to walk away and put all the blame squarely on me. I know better and I work every day at ridding myself of that blame - it wasn't all me - we both had a part. I've owned up to mine - that's all I can do.
All I can say is that it's hard letting go of years spent together. I guess from what I can see above is that it's normal. Each day, each month, each year - I guess it will fade a little - but in reality I believe he will always be somewhere in the back of my mind.

So sorry, that you are in this place and that you have to deal with those feelings, I don't think of her sometimes for days, nada, not once for several days, when I do think of her it is usually a pity thought. So some may think I don't 'feel' or have emotions, I am just the opposite, she had just killed all emotions other then pity before the divorce...my Christmas wish for all of you is to get to the point that you have a X/STBX thoughtless day.....they are wonderful......may the day bring you PEACE ..... AJJ

I was told in one of my Divorce Care meetings that you can expect it to take one year for every four years you were together to be completely healed from this experience. Please remember that the goal is to forgive, not forget. You will never forget your life with your ex, nor should you. Your relationship with them helped forge you into the person you are today. Many of us gained great gifts from our exes in the form of our children(who would not be who they are today were it not for the influence of our ex)and, for most of us, wonderful memories that we will always cherish. I am in my fifth month post divorce. We were married twenty years, so I can expect it to be a little over four years before I am completely healed from this experience. This does not mean that I cannot move ahead with my life and develope another meaningful relationship. It just means that it will take that long for all of the pain of the divorce to be banished from my life. I hope to be able to forgive him, and maybe even her, within that time so that I do not become a bitter, lonely person.

We said Cookie. I too think about it a lot. It's not that I think of him everyday, but the circumstances he's thrown me into because of this are a constant reminder of what's really happening to my life.

I don't think of him constantly anymore. I don't miss him anymore. I don't want him back anymore either. But, after all these years together it's hard to not remember that they were such a huge part of your everyday. I too believe that it will take time, or perhaps another love interest, before the memory will fade to a back part of our brain and hearts.

I'm looking forward now. Setting goals and thinking about my future without him. It's not so bad anymore. But, it's not completely done yet either so I've got a few more tears to cry I'm sure.

Hang in the Wm = time does heal all wounds. I like the part Cookie says about forgiving - doesn't necessarily mean forgetting.

Hugs.

It seems you understand you are giving away your power. It also sounds like these thoughts are NOT obsessive or constant. Like everyone said, it takes time.

In the meantime, if the thoughts are upsetting, you can practice stopping them and replacing them. When thoughts of her come up you stop them (visualize a stop sign if you like) and replace them with an "I" statement. i.e. She's messing up the holidays for our children. Stop. I am creating a holiday for my children where we can connect and enjoy each other's company.

Good luck and take care!

Well said all, especially Cookie and zen.. I think as members of the long term club it does take time. Everyone has their own formula, there is no magic, 4 X whatever.

I have been alone in the house 20 months! I just did the math, divorced 7 months. I agree I don't miss him, but I think of him and I am living in the house we lived in for 14 years...so there are reminders, and I can say they are more of the damm you why didn't you fix that all these years and boy am I glad I got almost all the household goods, and that we did buy a new snowblower.. because I have no money for one! I also in therapy learned that he was a part of me and a life together for almost 29 years and you can not erase that. A least if you are normal, I am pretty sure he can though. I talk about him, I might say, yes I skied in Colorado with my ex in 1981, and picture him and my dad at the top of a mountain with me, my dad is dead, and it is almost the same feeling, not really but like they are both gone. Or just now, I flash to a picture the ex had on his desk for years, me and him, in ski gear, with the mountain in the background. So you think of the happy times... But believe me, all I have to think about something nasty he said and it all goes away. Or years of therapy, or that latest letter from his attorney to mine about a detail and my attorney telling me he is really mad, and guess what he is not happy...

And like a broken record that I am, do not sit around mooning about them, or let he/she ruin your day or weekend or life, because I sure am not going to let him do that to me from 30 miles away, and guess what, he is not sitting around thinking about me!

I too think of him everyday. Sometimes I get mad, sometimes I get sad and become tearful, even cry, but I don't cry everyday. I have more good days than bad but yes, I do think about him everyday. He told me last week that not a day goes by that he doesn't think about us...
When I think about him and become sad, I try to revert my thoughts to what he has done so I can become relieved that it is over and I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want!!! That is my therapy and it does help quite a bit. I wish you peace and the secret that helps you make it thru the day!!! HUGS!

Like everyone else, I do think of him everyday, NOT usually kindly. It is so hard when he still has to be a part of my life because of the girls. I do try hard to not dwell. A year ago I could really have a melt down over the smallest thing, now I can think about it and move on. Today I thought now wouldn't it be nice if he were here to drive me to my daughters concert at SDSU because the weather was so bad and he was always such a good driver. but Then I would have had to sit in the car with him for 4 and one-half hours.. NO THANKS>>>So no melt down, and didn't go. I know he has moved on to the new GF and rarely do we even stop briefly in his brain. He hasn't called the girls and hasnt paid child support so we all know that we are not in his important column. That is helpful to me to remind myself of that. When I do think of him, it is to tell myself and to reassurance to me that I am glad that I am out of that situation. I am slowly moving on. I know as we replace the old memories with new ones that are happy it will help. Good wishes sent your way.

There is no magic wand that we can wave and make all this pain and sorrow disappear. I was married 24 years and it has been over a year that we separated. With me it was not another woman it was his mother and sister. You go through a grieving period and slowly you start to realize that it is not your fault. You tried your best and that was not good enough. Well, that is their problem not ours. You live for the present not the past. You have your children and that is the most priceless gift from God. The rest will fall into place, believe me it will. I have moved on. It took me over a year but slowly I am doing it. Do I think of him. Yes, I do but not with any affection or feelings. It is just pity that he threw away a family some people would die for. I am 58 years old and right now am ready to take life by the horns and enjoy it. So be happy and carefree.

I'm really proud of all of you....you're moving along so much faster than I was able to. It's been over 4 years for me, and I still think about him every day. He was my everything....my one and only everything. We were so young when we got married - 20 years old - just kids. I spent my entire adulthood partnered with him, and then suddenly, in July of 2004 announces that "he's done". And then one years and two months later I find out why....his high school sweetheart. And then learn in October, 2006 that he overlapped his affair with her and our marriage by two years (or more, he claims to "not know exactly" when their affair started - yeah, right). So I guess my healing would get derailed every year or so with new information. I begged for the whole truth when we first broke up, but no, he had to string it out over several years. Painful...