Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I had my first DivorceCare session tonight at my Church. It was a small group - thank goodness because the thought of even more people feeling this pain would break my heart.
Some of these people have been in this group for a couple of sessions. They are all further along in their divorce process than me and they were very supportive. They were all really nice.
But, this is what I learned tonight - I'm not even close to being through the grieving process. I thought I had moved on, but through the kindness of strangers, I poured out my heart and my tears. There are so many stages of grief that it could last for years. Not to say that I don't have my good moments because I do. Moments when I feel really strong and I can do what needs to be done - but I still have to give myself the proper time to grieve. To grieve is to heal.
I also learned that I need to hand over my grief to God. The only person who can heal a truly broken heart is the one who made it - God.
I watched a video that enlightened me to the depths of my pain - when two become one through marriage (one flesh) and then the marriage falls apart, they do not then become 2 again, they become one flesh torn in half. It's an open, gushing wound of hurt. Everything I have been feeling and going through for the last 7 months was laid out in the video. It made me feel like I wasn't alone - for if they could describe how I feel with such pinpoint accuracy, then others must feel it too.
For all of my DS friends who have suffered this immense amount of pain by having your heart ripped right out of your body, I cry for you and with you.
Lastly, I learned not only through this video, but through 2 couples who have been down this road (married 25, 27, 30 & 33 years to another person) who are now happily married to each other that there is truly a chance at future happiness. I asked them one question - after all you went through, the pain the heartache after such long-term marriages, are you happy now? All four people, both couples, emphatically said YES.
That gives me hope - I pray it gives you hope too.
Some of these people have been in this group for a couple of sessions. They are all further along in their divorce process than me and they were very supportive. They were all really nice.
But, this is what I learned tonight - I'm not even close to being through the grieving process. I thought I had moved on, but through the kindness of strangers, I poured out my heart and my tears. There are so many stages of grief that it could last for years. Not to say that I don't have my good moments because I do. Moments when I feel really strong and I can do what needs to be done - but I still have to give myself the proper time to grieve. To grieve is to heal.
I also learned that I need to hand over my grief to God. The only person who can heal a truly broken heart is the one who made it - God.
I watched a video that enlightened me to the depths of my pain - when two become one through marriage (one flesh) and then the marriage falls apart, they do not then become 2 again, they become one flesh torn in half. It's an open, gushing wound of hurt. Everything I have been feeling and going through for the last 7 months was laid out in the video. It made me feel like I wasn't alone - for if they could describe how I feel with such pinpoint accuracy, then others must feel it too.
For all of my DS friends who have suffered this immense amount of pain by having your heart ripped right out of your body, I cry for you and with you.
Lastly, I learned not only through this video, but through 2 couples who have been down this road (married 25, 27, 30 & 33 years to another person) who are now happily married to each other that there is truly a chance at future happiness. I asked them one question - after all you went through, the pain the heartache after such long-term marriages, are you happy now? All four people, both couples, emphatically said YES.
That gives me hope - I pray it gives you hope too.
It was encouraging to hear that you talked to the people that had been married long years like us and had gotten remarried to someone else and that they were happy. I guess the reason that I have always been hopeful is that I know I would be great in another relationship and I will find someone else who is as well. Not only that, I'm so much smarter now! HA HA. The cool part is that there is no hurry. We can enjoy the process, we can take our time to make sure the person is what we're looking for and so it will be fun. And most importantly, finding a spiritual partner. I know that is the key. Because I believe that if you are committed to God, you are committed to your partner. I'll be alone before I'd go into a relationship without a spiritual person. Thanks for posting. Hugs to you and you're right, it's a long road but wow, the learning is amazing and the enlightenment even more amazing. I could never understand how people could say it is better on the other side but I'm starting to believe.
A new fall session just began last week...unfortunately, I was unable to attend due to a back injury I suffered on Labor Day. But I am hoping that by next week, I feel up to going.
Stick with DivorceCare. It is a very good support group! They encourage us to look inside and to God for strength and comfort. Were it not for my faith (and believe me, I am not "churchy" but very spiritual) I'm not sure I would have survived the 18 Months of Hell I went through in ending what would have been a 25-year marriage.
I do have a question. I consider myself spiritual but not necessarily religious. Is it appropriate for any one of any faith? I know I need to find a group who truly understands this pain. It sure does feel like a gaping wound at this point!!
PS While you're gone, do you mind if I keep an eye one George for you?!
The movie talks about God alot but it is very appropriate for anyone of any faith.
I find myself staying away from anything religious or faith based at this point.....He has ruined that for me and I am not sure I will get it back.
I am SO glad you found this group. I have gone through DivorceCare twice, and still sometimes attend now for ongoing support. I remember the pain of that particular video myself - the ripping apart of "one flesh" as God intended for marriage.......now into two pieces, with bits of each other's "flesh" still with us.
DivorceCare is good in that it acknowledges this pain, and anger, and all the feelings we are having as completely normal.
Hugs, LJ
Highly recommend it. If my schedule weren't so crazy, I'd be going now. I think I really need it.
While DivorceCare in my area was put on by a local "gospel" church, anyone and everyone was welcome. I don't recall even being asked if I belonged to a church or to any particular religious group. The bottom line, anyway, is if you believe in God, we are all worshiping the same God...whether we are Christian, Muslim, or Jew. It's all based on the belief in something greater than ourselves...that's what Faith is all about. Prayer is comforting during difficult times; I found it would put me in a calm place instead of a frantic one. And all along, I had faith that something wonderful would happen for me, I just had to get through all the muck and the mire first. You will, too. Trust me on this.