Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
The mind is a funny thing... I've been separated a year and a half... I have no problem with "no contact" with the stbx - don't consciously miss him - don't miss my former life. I feel I made that emotional break a long time before I ever moved out. Got no desire to go back...But, what has been on my mind lately is OLD feelings of hurt and abandonment by someone who came BEFORE the stbx. Now, we're talking 35 years ago here. What the heck is THIS all about? That seems to bother me more than my current situation... am I just projecting back to that time rather than face what's happening now?
The "x before the stbx" was a great love at the time... and he was absolutely the wrong person for me.. the "bad boy", but I fell head over heels for him. Teen-age love - it's a very powerful thing. Then... one day, he just disappeared out of my life, with no explanation, never to be seen or heard from again for many, many years - I was CRUSHED. Then, a few years ago, we happened to run into each other and I actually got the opportunity to talk to him and we resolved what happened way back then - or I thought I did..... I thought I had finally closed that chapter in my life. But now I'm re-living that awful time in my head and I'm mad at HIM all over again!! I don't even talk to him now!!! What is this.... I'm not sad/mad/hurt or whatever because my 30 yr marriage is ending, so I have to substitute something that is ancient history???
Insight?.... anybody??
The "x before the stbx" was a great love at the time... and he was absolutely the wrong person for me.. the "bad boy", but I fell head over heels for him. Teen-age love - it's a very powerful thing. Then... one day, he just disappeared out of my life, with no explanation, never to be seen or heard from again for many, many years - I was CRUSHED. Then, a few years ago, we happened to run into each other and I actually got the opportunity to talk to him and we resolved what happened way back then - or I thought I did..... I thought I had finally closed that chapter in my life. But now I'm re-living that awful time in my head and I'm mad at HIM all over again!! I don't even talk to him now!!! What is this.... I'm not sad/mad/hurt or whatever because my 30 yr marriage is ending, so I have to substitute something that is ancient history???
Insight?.... anybody??
I am having a hard time expressing this, but I believe you are thinking of dating and meeting someone someday, and are doing a mental inventory of your past. You can do this, but I don't think that going back to 35 years ago to teenage relationships helps.. because we are not who we were then. It will be different and you should know yourself and what you want, it takes some work and you have to be past divorce to get there. We all question a lot of decisions in our life in divorce. For me, I did what I did, and I have to move on and learn from everything and take some risks in life again. You will too! Just my guess.. HUGS
It is often said that "every new loss brings up all the old ones" and that is so true, whether it is the loss of a relationship or the death of someone you have loved.
Susan Anderson addresses this on many levels in her book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" because DEATH is also a form of abandonment (albeit, short of death by suicide, it is NOT willful abandonment.)
I don't think for a second that you are deflecting the hurt from your divorce BACK onto something that happened a long time ago. In fact, I believe that by doing so, you are taking an emotional inventory of your love life - and this is a good thing! You wrote that you can see how this person was the wrong person for you and, indeed, the proverbial "bad boy." This is all good! This is your rational mind taking charge over your emotional mind. EMBRACE IT! Write down all the things you are now able to remember about how and why that long-ago relationship didn't work. Then write down any similarities between that one and the breakup with your stbx. Save all these musings somewhere so you can look at it often.
These insights and pearls will be the most important tools when you are ready to start putting yourself back into the waters of meeting someone new.
Good for you, my friend! You are making great progress!