Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

fatallove 07/25/2008

Reading another post got me thinking (sometimes very hard to do!). I know that we all want to stay strong for our children so they don't get scared or worry too much. I understand that. But I read a lot that people are so afraid of crying or having a meltdown in front of the kids and I don't understand why it is wrong to show your kids your emotions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the huge meltdowns or crying all the time.

In my situation, my stbx NEVER showed any sign of sadness or regret over what happened. He has always told me to act like everything was okay. I have a serious problem with that. I think my kids SHOULD know how devastating this all is. I don't want them to think it's no big deal because it is! I'm terrified my children are going to think that this kind of behavior is acceptable and having my husband act like it's totally normal drives me crazy.

I've read that the children have to go through the same grief process that we do. Isn't it better to let them see that it's okay to go through that process and that it may be tough than to have them think that they can't show their emotions because mom and dad aren't doing it? To me this is a crappy journey that we all have to go through, not just myself. And when we are sitting on top of the mountain I want my kids to be proud that they made it too. Maybe I'm completely off base here but I would rather my kids see me cry, cry with me than keep it bottled up inside and feel like they have to stay tough because they are modeling the parents.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I really am interested in hearing your opinions whatever they might be.

deleted_user 07/25/2008

I've cried in front of my kids and I've cried with them. They are so upset about this divorce I do pretend that things are OK. Their father has moved on with the OW and hasn't shed a tear. He thinks nothing of tearing his 4 children's lives to bits and his wife's life that he has been married to for 30 years in November.

When children are older they consider us the rock. They have only seen us cry at funerals and things like that. They are off at college or married and their lives are falling apart. The parents that they have loved and respected have done the unthinkable. They are getting a divorce. They have had 20 to 30 Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners with their mother and their father. That will never happen again. These perfect people (in their eyes) hate eachother. What the hell happened to their life.

I don't know if this helps but it's what I feel. Hugs to you.

deleted_user 07/25/2008

I have had a tough one with this one also....Lately though, I have been showing my emotions to my 12 year old.My other half keeps saying that this doesnt have to affect our kids.......who is he kidding? He is off living by himself doing whatever he wants to do whenever he wishes. I on the other hand am the one left trying to hold everyone and everything together...I decided all of the pretending and holding back real emotions is only confusing for the kids because they can sense your real emotions anyway. So now I just cry in front of her and I think she understands and knows that I am sad but it will pass. Her dad on the other hand puts on a happy face when he is around her and pretends none of this is really happening......So yes, I believe that it is so much healthier to show the real emotions in front of the kids as long as you can work through it.

Chrissy614 07/25/2008

I agree - it is ok for your kids to see that this is upsetting to you otherwise they think that it's OK to get a divorce. They will model their parents and think, "ah, divorce - no big deal - my parents went through it and they were fine". Well not everyone is fine with this.

I think also that if you can you should also have some good days, but they should know that just because you're not crying today doesn't mean all of a sudden your OK. You have to tell them that you will have good days and bad days just like they do.

You also have to let them know that it's ok for them to cry and vent too. My daughter, who is 19 now, has only seen my cry maybe three times her whole life. I was never a crier. What I'm seeing now is that she doesn't cry either. She has modeled after me - trying to be strong and hold it all in. Well guess what - if I had cried throughout my life, maybe I wouldn't have anxiety problems. I would have let it out instead of keeping it all in.

Crying is a healthy way to cleanse yourself of sadness, pain, happiness and a gambit of emotions. You should cry and you should encourage your kids to cry too if they need to. I see nothing wrong with it.

My kids are older (18 & 19) so maybe my opinion would be different if they were younger. This I don't know. But I do know that at this point in our lives, with all this upheaval and pain, it is damn hard not to cry in front of them sometimes.

deleted_user 07/25/2008

I agree that they need to see some emotion. This is like the death of your "family togetherness and normalcy". My boys are 17 and 19 and they have seen me cry many times over this; however my STBX who left is happy and says that this isn't affecting the boys at all- pretending like everything is ok and happy happy! It really makes me sick!!!! Both the boys have girlfriends and have asked me- "will this happen to me- that I stop loving someone after 20 years for no reason- is that normal- how will I know?" I tell them it isn't normal however retard tells them it happens all the time and you move on to another chapter in life. I would really like to kick his A_ _!!! Show your children that it isn't normal and it is ok to cry and show your emotion. Hugs to you!

deleted_user 07/25/2008

My girls who are also older, see me cry and they cry and we talk about it. Our new motto is tomorrow is another day. We cry, we talk then we pick ourselves up after all tomorrow is another day and each tomorrow that we get to is a victory

fatallove 07/26/2008

Thank you all for your input. I was really struggling with this because I was feeling like such a bad mother when I couldn't stop myself from crying but at the same time I personally felt it was okay that they saw it because I want them to know how bad this is. We shouldn't pretend like everything is okay. It is so reassuring to know that others agree. Thanks so much.

And if others have opinions, I'll be checking frequently to see if anyone else has contributed so please do so.
Hugs and good vibes to all!!

deleted_user 07/27/2008

My kids are older and they have seen me cry and we have cried together. This was a shock to all of us. We have all drawn support from each other during this ordeal. I made sure to tell them that we will all handle this in our own ways and that we can all talk to one another about whatever we need to. I also told them that it was ok for them to have a realtionship with him but that I could not ever again. All 3 think that their father has lost his mind. I agree with them!

deleted_user 07/27/2008

My girls are 17 and 19 and they have seen me cry. They have seen how cruel their father can be to me and they don't understand any more than I do what has happened to him. Their relationship with him is "different" because of the guilt he is feeling for leaving them behind. They have come to bat for me a few times and reprimanded him for being so cruel. I have tried to keep it all together for their sakes, but they know I am hurting and they get mad at their dad for causing such pain. I have apologized to them before for "falling apart" and they just look at me and say they understand why I did and that they are there for me. I feel wonderfully blessed to have such great children. In some ways I feel sorry for him that he has forever altered his relationship with his kids. I know they still love him because he is their dad, but neither one of them respects him anymore.
I know we will all get through this together. God bless all of our children who have had to endure this kind of pain through no fault of their own...they are truly innocent bystanders caught in the line of fire.

deleted_user 07/27/2008

My son is 13 and I held it in from him in the beginning, but since the separation, we have cried together on a daily basis! We have been angry together and we talk together! I do not tell him much of what is going on, but his father has told him, "He loves me, but isn't in love with me!", that he has a new best friend,...and put most of the blame on me. That is ok, eventually my son will put the puzzle together, if he hasn't already.

sld1~ you said it well, the perfect family our kids knew is just torn all apart! It is a grieving process for them and it sucks. In many ways it is the same as us, except without all the info. and without the rejection factor, although part of me thinks, at least in my case, that my son fears that. I think he is cautious because he is afraid his father will withdrawl his love from him as well!

I think it is good for your children to see you cry if it hurts. We don't want our kids growing up and thinking they shouldn't cry! I have dealt with that with my STBX and he hasn't had 1 ounce of remorse over this mess. FAH!

Hang in there! I think it is best to go through this with support and that is even more true with the kids!

Hugs and peace to all!

deleted_user 07/27/2008

I have 3 daughters(20,18,13,and the one in the middle HATES to see me cry! I cry a good bit still;and,it just makes her want to flee! She is the one who denies any hurt she's feeling,and I worry so much about her. In just about 3 weeks she leaves for college,where I hope she'll be able to leave all of this mess behind her. On the other hand,I worry that because she doesn't "deal,"she'll not be able to handle this new,huge experience. I really believe she sees my crying as a weakness(the way her dad does.)Needless to say,it makes me feel terribly guilty! However, the other 2 are so sympathetic. Still,I am a believer in showing true feelings,even the painful ones.

Join the Conversation