I've done counseling since before he left and continue to do so. I also did DivorceCare last fall, almost 2 years post X leaving. I got a lot out of it and felt like I helped the others who were not as far along as me.

No contact was extremely helpful-it helped me be able to think straighter. I was crazy.

It's the contact that is keeping you stuck. Whether is be you contacting him, or him contacting you it's all contact. You can do this. You have to do it for yourself in order for you to be able to heal. Divorce happening at all? I can't remember - are you in the workings of it?

You are doing fine - It's a rollercoaster - some ups and then some downs. It's all part of the journey - you should be proud of yourself. Sending lots of support your way...

I did (and still do) individual counseling. I started shortly after I found out my ex was involved with OW and have continued since. Intensity and frequency have varied depending what was going on/how I was coping, etc. I could not have gotten through the past 5 years without this support. I also attended a Divorce Care group, not right away, but about 2 years into the process. I probably would have gone sooner if I had known about it. I found that to be very helpful, also. My faith and the support of family and friends have also been essential in my recovery.

I still see my therapist and I'm six years post divorce. The ex is rarely mentioned. Divorce Care also helped a lot. I went thru 3 sessions at different stages of my divorce. Once you pay for the workbook you can attend as many times as you need.

Because we were still tied together on this farm I did have contact with the ex. I haven't talked to him since just before the last court hearing in July. Not having that contact has also helped.

KRKing, divorce should be final in July. It's definitely both of us contacting each other. If one goes a day or so without contact the other reaches out. We thought we were so great for being able to get along, but I can see now that there Are good reasons why people don't stay in constant contact when divorced. We have to stop loving that person! We have to heal. I know this with my head. I have to convince my heart. I think a counselor can help reinforce this. I just reminded myself about chumplady.com, and she had a great article very similar to my situauion. It not only made me laugh through my tears, but gave me a bit of strength. I'm going to try to leave my phone off sometimes so I'm not obsessively checking it to see if he called.
Going to call divorce care group tomorrow.

Yes, no contact is the trick. Then you're free to look around at your new life and work out where to go from here. Do some things you thought about doing when you were a kid, before you were married, and have never done.

I found a wonderful psychologist who I still visit and I'll be 6 years post separation come August. I go frequently if there's an issue which I need help with, and I go occasionally now for top-ups and about anything new that comes up which I can't deal with.

Turning off the phone is a good idea. Don't answer texts on the instant either.

Good luck with divorce care.

love and hugs
kamary

I also attended counseling during my separation and divorce, and even went in for a "tune up" about two years post-divorce. I don't know how I would have coped without my counselor's help. She helped me see my ex for who he truly was and this helped me take off the rose-colored glasses and begin to heal.

I agree with the others--you've got to cut contact with him. Cheaters often want to be friends with their ex's because it eases their guilt. In the book called "The Script," the authors say that remaining friends allows the cheater to save face with everyone else. He/she can say, "Look, I was right in my actions. See how well we are getting along?" Sadly, there is no benefit in this friendship for the betrayed spouse--it just keeps you hanging in limbo.

Get into counseling and start refusing his calls.

Sending healing hugs!

Well, I did HORRIBLE on my first night attempting to go NC. I think because he did not answer my calls in the night it made it worse, because now he clearly doesn't even care anymore and I always believed he would. I can see how humiliated I should be... Why would I call him... Especially after all this time, to become so weak and unhinged... I think the women who's spouses left them and were cold-hearted from the get-go, forced them to endure the pain earlier. My STBX was kind but those words of love and affection only delayed this inevitable pain! . I look at myself and don't even understand why I'm doing this. I'll have moments of pure clarity but when I ended up being up all night, those moments faded quickly.

So, I called the counseling service this morning first thing. It's going to be a tough day on 1.5 hours of sleep. I'm emotionally raw but hoping it's day one of healing. Thanks for all your support and hugs.

Hurtin is right. It's about easing his guilt. What I also discovered...by remaining friends...it pitted the OW and I against each other...in his eyes...he could puff up and say...hey look at me...I've got two women after me...they both want me...I'm the man...yup...I got it going on. When I discovered that..it was just one more reason to go completely NO CONTACT again. You really do need to do this in order to move on and heal...Big Hugs...Kathy

Oh, how this brings back so many memories for me. My ex and I stayed in close contact for a long time, much to my embarassment now, all because I had the fear of not having him in my life. Well, guess what, he chose to leave for OW way before that, so I was holding onto a man who didn't love me enough to work it out, and it was literally killing me. I would get so upset if he didn't say he loved me at the end of a conversation, didn't want to stop by, etc. Once we cut the ties, the pain was so unbearable at the beginning, but it allowed me to heal. You do not need him. It's holding you back from living the life you are meant to live. He is a safety net for you, nothing more. Step out of your comfort zone and know you will be okay.

Good for you for getting counseling. It was and still is a lifesaver for me. You are right, today is day one. I am proud of you and you know you do not have to walk this road alone.

Sending hugs! You are a strong woman!

Please be gentle with yourself. There is no handbook for how to handle divorce, and even if there were, all situations are different. You will have times when you feel crazy and lonely and worthless, but know that these are all absolutely normal emotions when going through separation and divorce.

I agree with so many others here, you MUST go no contact - no matter what it takes. I suspect that your stbx kept communicating with you because he wasn't sure at first about where things were going for him with his other love interest/life. Mine tried that, too, though he was cruel from the beginning. I've also learned the hard way that words of love are just that - words! My ex was a clever manipulator in his use of loving words, but his actions belied his words. I just didn't want to see it. In the end, he told me that he had been pretending to love me for some time and that his words of love were just part of that act. Free yourself from this terrible torture and begin to take care of YOU! It's the only way you will be able to begin healing.

And, counseling is a great idea. I saw two different counselors, and they were both great. Counseling really helped me to deal with all the fears and emotions, and helped me to see things about my marriage that I don't think I would have on my own. Having a counselor is a sounding board and gives you immediate feedback on issues that keep you stuck and miserable.

Each day, do something special for yourself. Take a bubble bath, get your nails done, fix yourself a favorite dish - it doesn't matter what you do, just that it's something nice for yourself. When you start to feel afraid and want to contact him, go see a friend and increase your efforts to take care of yourself. Gradually, you will begin to associate your longing for contact with your stbx with taking better care of yourself. Then, a miraculous things happens: you realize that you are all you need right now and that taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do to heal and move on. Also, you will begin to see your ex for what he is, and your marriage for what it was. Once the eyes are opened, truly opened, you will walk forward in your new life with ease and grace.

Sending you hugs, love, and prayers for comfort and peace.
Kim

Time 4 Kim, I'm a huge fitness nut, and when I feel panicky and stir crazy I go out and walk or bike (especially now that the weather is nice), so I think that is kind of what you mean. I have cried on some of these treks, but I feel better every time. I will try to remember that. It might be hard to do if I wake up at 1:00 am, but hopefully that will stop!
SF Soccer Mom - I've read some of your posts and I think we share a lot of similarities in our mindsets.

I've always liked my job, but now I really look forward to work for the first time in my life, because it's a great distraction for my mind and a break from obsessing over this.
Thank you all again.

NO CONTACT is the KEY to moving beyond divorce. Continued contact just keeps you in limbo, and like Hurtinandhealin said, it allows a lying, cheating stbx to "save face" when they certainly DON'T deserve it.

It's not an easy thing to do -- but you gotta do it. And there's nothing gradual about it -- you gotta go Cold Turkey. Mark your start date on the calendar and give yourself a star for every day you remain No Contact. I guarantee you that once you hit the 2-week mark, you will be thinking more clearly and will feel a whole lot stronger.

I went into therapy immediately after Devastation Day and saw my therapist at least once a week for the entire 18 months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating coward. I continued to see her about once a month afterward and then graduated to an "as needed" basis. I would stay in therapy my whole life if I could afford it -- we are all multi-layered and there is always something new to discover about ourselves.

We're all here for you, but we are NOT a substitute for in-person professional help. You owe it to yourself to get the best possible care at this time. Your new life will be richer for it. Big hugs. xoxox

Contact? All of me was not good enough for my stbx. She doesn't get to cherry pick the parts of me that she has use for or likes, she doesn't get to console me or "worry" about me for show.

I hope to have taught my kids to not hang out with people that disrespect them, with people that use them.
So why confuse them now?

We're behind you, cmonge. You're going to enjoy your freedom!

love and hugs
kamary