I haven't been here in a bit and I was reading through some of what was going on and a couple of things came up that I wanted to comment on....

First, welcome back Missiann!! You're right, self pity although sometimes necessary can easily turn to self destruction if you get lost in it. I got lost in it and just started pulling myself out not to long ago. It's tough, hang in there, if I can do it so can you.

Second, Pembcat and Sld... I love you! You guys are always so supportive and your contributions are so comforting. Thanks for that. There are several more that I would love to mention, but you 2 stood out for me today.

And lastly, Chrissy said something in one of her entries that I thought was right on and deserves repeating. For those of us who were left, we want so much for the leaver to feel something of the pain we feel. But the reality is they don't. Plain and simple. When we talk to them on the phone or see them in person we leave the contact trying to figure out what it really meant, what did it mean to them or we are trying to read between the lines, but as Chrissy said, for them it's just a conversation. It's just as if they were talking to someone else. As much as we want it to mean more to them, it just doesn't. It's hard to accept. All the contacts I have with my stbx are so strained and emotional for me that I find it hard to believe it can't be for him too, but he leaves our contact and turns around to go straight to his girlfriend! He wouldn't be able to do that if there was any significant meaning in our contact.

We have to stop expecting more from these guys and girls. The sooner we can accept that they are done with the relationship and we are holding on to memories the better off we will be. I had this thought today that I have been grieving for the death of our relationship. But I haven't grieved him yet. Physically he is alive, but the man I was married to is dead. He's dead to me and dead to our life as it was. I've decided that I am going to grieve my husbands death, for surely the man he is now is not my husband. It may sound silly but I am thinking of having my own private funeral for him in the hopes of some closure. I hope that after I can look at him with new eyes. He'll be just a man I've known and now have children to raise together. He will simply be my children's father. Nothing more. That is my goal. The pain still sits on my chest and in my soul, but it's a little different. The pain is for the loss of a loved one, not the hope of an impossible reconciliation. Hope can be a wonderful thing, but hope for something impossible is just pain and nothing more.