So sorry to hear of this. First of all, GET AN ATTORNEY ASAP. And a counselor. You need to take care of yourself starting now.
Second, visit here often-I can't tell you of all the wise and wonderful things I have learned here, and it is a very supportive group of people.

I did a quick google search on divorce in your state. You definitely need to do a google search and read this closely. Your state is no fault or fault and equitable distribution. I think I read for no fault you have to live separate and apart for two years and be supported in that time frame. You two can't live together while the house is on the market for sale.

There was something about a fast divorce but I didn't get that far. For fault you could claim he is impotent or that he has comitted adultery. Something tells me he has been trying to set this up. You definitely need to see an atty, ASAP to see what your rights are. Don't delay. YOur H is not all happy and cheerful for no reason. There is a reason he is now being so laid back and happy.

Send, yours is a sad story. But most stories that end up on this site are classified thus. First, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. My eldest son struggled with drugs and alcohol as a very young man, but he was able to gather himself up and turn his life around. We were lucky. I'm sure you did your best for him. He will always be part of your life.

Your family is in mourning. And in the midst of your grieving process, your spouse is feeling in a hurry to end your marriage. You ask "why now?" but you may just as likely ask "why not now?". Your own words make it seem like it's been inevitable that there be an ending to your marriage. You don't mention that your husband loves you, or you him. You even say that you 'don't care' if there is someone else! You are not in a healthy marriage.

Perhaps the loss of your son has forced a change in your spouse that makes him want to 'move on' from the pain of losing your son or the emotional void of a loveless marriage - or both. Perhaps he is hopeful about his future, for reasons unknown to you, and that is what accounts for his sudden communication spurt. Grief can do strange things to people.

Regardless, you need a lawyer. With dealing with your anxiety about selling the house, getting rid of your son's things etc. I don't think that you can do the divorce process without legal advice. Stop delaying and get the process started. You don't want to save a marriage that neither of you is emotionally invested in any longer. It's been a long time coming. You have to start so that you can end, unfortunately ! Good luck and keep visiting with us - we are here to support each other on this site!

Iammine made some very valid points, but the one that screams the loudest for me is the fact that it has been less than a year since you lost your son. You are still in mourning for you son; it can take quite a bit of time to reach a new sense of normalcy following such a tremendous loss. I would think that if you are not working with a counselor or therapist at this point, that should be your first priority. Initiating another huge life change as divorce right now could be your undoing!

While I agree that you DO need legal counsel, it doesn't sound like your husband is taking the initative either. Let him cool his jets for awhile. His change of attitude could be his way of "coping" with the loss of your son. I say let THAT issue settle for awhile; work on clearing out the house (without killing yourself over it) and focus on taking care of YOUR emotional needs first.

As to your H "beating you to the punch" -- forget about it. It sounds to me like you have known this marriage is over for a pretty long time, so six months or even another year of living together won't be the end of the world.

DO consult with an attorney and please find a good counselor or therapist to help you deal with all the emotional fallout you are dealing with. We're all here to help as we can, but WE ARE NO SUBSTITUTE for live and in-person PROFESSIONAL HELP! Sending positive thoughts and big hugs your way. xoxo

First take a deep breath. You have survived a lot. Most here have been scared, angry and confused. Its time to move on, one step at a time. Get a lawyer, gather all your papers, get the ball rolling. If the house is not ready give yourself a break and take it all one step at a time. You survived, now it is time to thrive. Big Big hugs

I agree with what everyone else has said about getting a lawyer and a counselor and taking care of yourself. In particular, Cowgirl pointed to something really important - -that it's been less than a year since you lost your son, your are still in mourning. I have good friends whose son was killed in a car accident three years ago. They've been married a long time, he's a rabbi, and they're overall very solid, but even so, the loss of their son has upended their lives and strained their relationship. So please take into account the effect of the loss of your son on who you are right now, on what you need, and on what you can cope with him, . Get help on the issue of beiing pressured at a time you can't deal with it - -a lawyer and counselor, .of ourse, but also post here for support! I've personally found a lot of comfort and good advice here.
Hugs and blessiings.

You have found a great place here. Your story is a very sad one. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please see a lawyer and a therapist or continue your therapy. This is life changing, but know that you can get through it. The house stuff, chunk it. one room at a time. It will be more manageable if you look at it that way.

(Hugs)

You are a obviously a very strong person, and have dealt with more than most people do, for a lifetime. My heart goes out to you, and am so sorry about the death of your son, and the loss of all you have gone through. I can not imagine the losses you have dealt with. I believe that people who deal with very hard life issues, and have a lot of loss, sometimes for them, have more trouble dealing with what by comparison lesser issues. I am not suggesting that divorce is a lesser issue, but clearing out the house, dealing with the paperwork etc. are all part of divorce and the process. You get frozen in place. It becomes overwhelming. Add to that you have been co-existing in some kind of stall pattern for 10 years, and that may be what you needed to do, both of you, to get through this. That obviously makes it a lot harder.

You are very articulate and well written and have thought this out. No matter how long ago you agreed to stay in some kind of relationship and not divorce, finally moving towards that, is like you just started the process. I see that because your husband seems to be in a hurry or at least moving forward, and is out of character in your eyes, that like others have said, it is the way he is coping. The reality is that this has been going on for a long time, and he is not doing it in haste, he just wants to do it. That may be all it is, he wants to do what was started a long time ago, a divorce that is mutual and work on himself and a new life. That is what you are afraid of also, as per the last paragraph. Most of us here have felt the same way of all you expressed, the fear of the unknown of what your life will look like! The house, most of us here have dealt with issues of the house. I am not being hard on you, but that is an excuse to not move forward. You have decisions to make, and the house is part of it.

Both of you need to educate yourself about divorce in IL. Divorce in your state is bit more complicated than in other states. I know, because I live in WI, worked in your state, lived there part time. I always joke I have one foot in each state at the border and like it. I have a friend from DS who got divorced in your state.Tryintobehappy, a member here, finally got divorced in IL. Others I know. You both need lawyers and you will not be "wasting" the money. One issue in your state is that you have to be physically separated for one year to divorce. You can get a waiver for that.. and Trish is right also, but you can live in the same house, and will have to swear an affidavit that you have not been intimate, and if you are or do become intimate in that time period, the process starts over. That is just one example of what is involved. Archaic. Any long term marriage with assets, a house, 401ks on and on, you need a lawyer. IL is not a community property state, and it is not 50/50. You may be entitled to alimony or he may be. Divorce is not just about assets, it also about debt and retirement. You have a house to sell. I do not think it is a good idea to be divorced, lived together until you sell the house. It happens, but I could not do it. IF you both agree on what you need to divide, it will be easier.. but your husband already wants a mediator. I see that as anticipating a problem. Get a lawyer, and be proactive, he may get one first and you do not want to be blindsided..You stated that you do not know what your rights are,you can find out. Let a lawyer decided if you need a mediator, and that is a good example of how you could waste money, you may not need one.. yet. Some of here know more about divorce than we ever wanted to.. and you have to do that too.

You also should consider a therapist if you don't already have one. I believe sometimes that no matter how strong you are, and how much loss that a objective therapist can be a key to surviving. People who have had a lot of loss, and I by no means come close to what you have dealt with, often believe that because they can and do deal with it, that they can handle a divorce. For me, I handled a lot, but when tI divorced, even the threat of it, I did two things. I hired the very best lawyer I could, and the very best therapist. My ex and I went to counseling for years.. we did try. He thought I could with him do the divorce without a lawyer.. I let him think that, but a lawyer to protect your legal and financial rights, and a therapist to help you with the other decisions and deal with the emotional, is something that you have to spend that money on. It is an investment in yourself and a new future. AND you will have a new future! HUGS

You have been through so much. I am deeply sorry. Seems to me you are still in mourning and myself, I would be inclined to let this go.... but if he is insisting, well... maybe . In the end, I hope things that happen and their timing will benefit you.
This group is outstanding for their savvy on matters of divorce. You have received great distilled and accurate info that you can use. I could add nothing to the counsel you have already received. Way to go Ladies. You always impress ...
Some of us have been hit so hard ... if their is any Spirit of Fairness in the world, things will slow and soften and the jagged edges will stop tearing..... my wish for you .

Thank you to everyone who took the time and effort to read and reply to my post. I have struggled with depression most of my life and have been in counseling for about the last 16 years or so. Ironically, that was one of the major issues my husband had with me. He was tired of "dealing with" my depression BUT he hated the fact that I was seeing a professional to help me. He didn't want to talk through things with me, and he sure didn't want me discussing anything with my friends that he didn't already know about, but paying someone to listen to me for 50 minutes per week was a "waste of money". It took me years to finally stop taking on responsibility for every mistake that either of us made in our marriage and raising the kids.

I think I stayed with him these last 10 years partly out of guilt as well as for financial reasons. Maybe I was hoping in some way to prove myself "worthy", or get some absolution for my "sins". But truthfully, I do realize that our marriage was over that day he told my therapist that we were "separated". If I had been a stronger person and more financially stable, right then and there I would have said, "Well then, let's make it official." But when we said our vows on our wedding day, I had intended to keep them "for better or worse....til death do us part.." so I wanted to make sure I put in every possible effort. I've been asking myself for years if I still love him. I care about him because we have a shared past and there was love there for a while, but there has never been friendship and respect. I don't think either one of us had any idea how to have those things in our marriage given both of our childhoods. In the end, whether or not I still love him isn't the issue. He doesn't love me, at least not the way I need, and he isn't willing to change. It took me 16 years of therapy to finally decide that I deserve more than one-way relationships. For too long I put way more time, energy, and my heart into marriage, friendship, and parenting than the person on the receiving end and all it did was deplete me and leave me alone and empty.

I said I don't care if he has another woman in his life and that's because I truly want him to be happy. There is no bitterness between us. There is some hurt and anger, but on my part there is also understanding of how and why the dynamics played out the way they did and acceptance that my husband is who he is. He isn't a bad guy. He's pretty clueless about things--especially things he doesn't want to deal with, and as one of my therapists told me years ago, "we teach people how to treat us." At the time I rebelled against that idea, but now I realize the truth of it. And it took the death of my son for me to see how selfish my husband really is, or at least for me to put an accurate label on his behavior. My kids realized it in their early teens but it slipped right past me.

All that having been said, I suppose that's what's at the heart of my issues with the divorce. He's made up his mind and there's no consideration for anyone else's feelings. There is no discussion. I've told him my concerns and he acknowledges the fact that it is generally recommended that no major life decisions be made for at least a year after the death of a loved one, but he feels he needs to do this NOW so he can move on and start living his life before it's too late. It doesn't matter that I spend the last 32 years literally waiting for his approval on every decision--which, again, was MY issue. I guess it's unfair to expect him to start thinking about what I need to do for MY life when I never have before. And I have a suspicion that he feels a fresh start will take care of all the unresolved issues from the past (one of which is the fact that he had an enormous amount of anger toward our son and is now filled with regret) because there won't be any reminders around him.

I'm really not using the house as an excuse to delay the inevitable. I've been systematically trying to get rid of things over the last year. It's just more difficult because now as I go through the "souvenirs" of my children's childhoods, I'm painfully reminded that one of them is permanently missing. My parents abandoned me as a child and I have always held my children very close to my heart because of that. I have no other family. Six weeks before my son passed, my youngest daughter, with whom I was extremely close, moved to Hollywood. She and her boyfriend decided at the end of August and on September 30 she was packed up and gone. Two weeks after she left, a person I had considered a very close friend for several years literally walked out of my life with no warning, explanation, no good-bye. I was just coming to terms emotionally with those losses when my son passed. I get very attached to people, places, and things and the memories and meanings they have for me. I don't do well with losses and I've had a lot of really major ones in the last year. Now here comes a divorce--another loss--and all the losses subsequent to that. Going through and getting rid of "stuff" is difficult for me at the best of times. Now it's pure agony.

But please don't think that I walk around weeping and wailing all day because I don't. I actually laugh quite a lot at the ridiculousness of it all and most people have no idea how often I just feel dead inside. I know I'll get through this all. I just need some support. I don't have any close friends or anyone to talk to about all this and I find that I uncover most of my own answers in the midst of conversations with people who are willing to listen and give feedback. Fifty minutes per week with a therapist you're paying to listen to you just isn't enough!!

I guess all I need to do now is switch jobs and I think I'll have covered most of the list of major life stressors. My life will be complete!

You have friends here, my dear, and someone is around almost 24/7. I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will find some peace in all of this. It is a major change -- divorcing after so many years -- but my guess is that when it's all said and done you will get the same sense of RELIEF that most of us here did.

Just take really good care of yourself and don't let your husband push you into making any decisions about anything too quickly. Big hugs to you xoxox

(((sendingintheclowns)))

love and hugs
kamary

I wanted to add that reading your heartfelt story, that for so many when it comes down on some, it really does pour. For some of us, the lesson may be in your story, that although our pain is real, there is always someone who is dealing with way more. You are one of those who have more than most people can handle. Take stock of what you have, not what you do not for the rest of us. For you dear Sendintheclowns, be gentle on yourself. Take the time to focus on you and figure out what you want to do.

After I wrote my long post, and reading what you did write after, have you ever joined or considered joining a support or grief group for parents who have had a child die? I know that for many people that is so helpful, because the loss of that magnitude, needs the support of those who have been where you are. No one else can come close to offering support to that kind of grief and feelings. I know someone who did do that, because no matter how many good friends she had, none of us could ever understand her pain the way these people did. The other sad side of a death of a child, is that many people divorce in that situation. I am not by any means suggesting that caused your split, but you may find support in others that divorce, also in a grief group. It may be mutual, you sound like you could offer support to someone else too.

Either way, take it one step at a time. Divorce is very individual, and there is no one size fits all. My wish is that you take care of you, and in the end you do what is right for you. HUGS

Please be careful and protect yourself. Make sure STBX is fair with you, after 32 years that is only the right thing to do.

I echo many senitments already offered. Take care of yourself, you DESERVE it! That is nothing more or less than what is right for each of you.