Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Changing my name...

CallenderGirl
CallenderGirl
Hi All,
I'm having some strange feelings about changing back to my maiden name after nearly 25 years of marriage. I was married at 20yo, so I actually had his name longer than my maiden name. But, when I think about whose reputation I would rather attach myself to - my father's or my stbh's - there's no contest, I go with my father. I've lost respect for my husband over the long course of our marriage, as I had lost respect for myself because I allowed myself to stay in a relationship where I knew I wasn't valued and during which he cheated repeatedly. I feel like changing my name is a step toward regaining my self-respect and dignity, but it's such an odd feeling. For more than half my life everyone has known me by one name... one that I associated with being an adult (albeit a dysfunctional one). Anyone else have experience this? How long did it take before you felt like your name fit you again?
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
When I married the now-X I didn't CHANGE my name, but I DID hyphenate it. So for 25 years I was Cowgirl Kathi Jones-Smith (LOL...I'm just using Jones-Smith as the example). Part of my divorce decree INCLUDED a decree making it legal for me to revert to using just my maiden name. But it took MONTHS to get some of the financial things squared away and I couldn't run the risk of confusing the IRS in the process. PLUS my U.S. Passport came up for renewal at that time and I didn't want to let that lapse. So now, 7 years later, I'm still going by Cowgirl Kathi Jones-Smith.

And you know what? A rose by any other name would still be a rose and still smell as sweet. From where I sit, if you've been using your married name for your entire adult life, I see no reason to change it. Give yourself time to think it over. Think about your kids and how THEY might feel about your name not being the same as theirs. It's a very personal decision.
trisha9054
trisha9054
I kept my married name for the same reason as CGK. My divorce was done in three stages. The property settlement was approved before the final divorce. I had a heck of a time getting my truck and horse trailer out of his name. It took all day


I will bore everyone again by saying there were no fond memories connected to my birth name.I had my married name over half my life and I have earned the right to use that name forever.
kamary
kamary
I thought about changing my name briefly. I think it was because it was brought up here on DS. I prefer to keep my married name. It feels right, even though I wouldn't care if I never saw my ex again. I married him in 1974, so this has been my name for a very long time. Yes, my kids' feelings are a factor. I think they've had enough to deal with following the divorce, and I don't want to be the one who causes them more pain. In addition to that, I am actually quite proud to have been a part of my ex's family. Many of them remain on good terms with me and my exSIL and exMIL are very much a part of my life. When I imagine telling people I've changed my name back to my maiden name, try saying it out loud, it just doesn't gel.

As you may have guessed, I'm one for going with your gut feelings. If you have this feeling deep inside that you want to change back to your maiden name, I'd say go with it.

love and hugs
kamary
iammine
iammine
Do what you want - disregard how difficult it would be to 'change' things. Your name is your identity! IMHO If you need to distance yourself from your ex, I can't think of a more thorough or substantive way than DUMPING his name.
Some say that they feel that it's their name too, as they've had it for so long etc., but it really is a personal choice. I changed mine back before the divorce was even final! I had to pay (Canada), whereas if I'd waited a certain amount of time (can't remember the number) it would've been free but i could NOT dump his name fast enough!

I found it very liberating. Good luck with whatever you decide