Hi DS friends,

I need to tell you all that I probably rushed my judgement too quickly on my husband. After talking with him, his mother and his sister I am certain that there is no affair going on between him and this woman. All along I've said he would never do this - I know him. Call me a fool but I believe him.

He said they have known each other for a while through work and she was going through a really rough divorce about the same time we were starting our breakup. He said she is just easy to talk to and he's helped her through her mess and she's helped him. According to his mother (which I'm sure comes from him) this woman has even encouraged him to mend it with me.

When I asked him if he would stop calling her he said no problem. He said it would be no big deal if he never talked to her again in his life. She doesn't want any relationship with him and he doesn't want one with her. He said he didn't even realize, until I showed him the phone bill, that they talk that much. He said he doesn't even know where she lives. It's strictly platonic. Again, call me a fool but I believe him even though I know some of you don't and will advise me to be careful. :)

I have done some damage with this information with his family and best friend, but I think most women would have jumped to the same conclusion based on the information I had to go with. I have called his mom and sister and his best friend and apologized for my mistake. I have also had a very long heartfelt talk with the kids about forgiving their dad.

At the end of our conversation he told me he had all the paperwork together that I need for the lawyer. I asked him point blank if he wanted a divorce. I told him he's beat around the bush but he's never come straight out and told me "I want a divorce". So, he said the words for the first time to me. I guess it's truly over for him. His mom and sister though encourage me to not give up just yet. They keep saying you don't know what the future holds. This only confuses me. It makes me wonder if he has told them he wants to divorce me or am I pushing him again by asking for the words just so I can get closure.

I wrote him a very long letter today and told him I will do everything I possibly can to get the kids to forgive him and allow him back into their lives. This is my next goal. I told him once he feels his relationship with them is on solid ground I will give him the divorce he wants. Am I just trying to buy a little more time - yes I am. But I'm also ready to accept his decision to divorce me.

According to his mom he is still very confused and hurt. He had a panic attack 2 nights ago for the first time ever. I'm sure it had a lot to do with me telling people he was cheating when he insists he didn't. I damaged his character and I apologized to him in the letter I wrote - it was wrong of me to do this. He really is a good man and just because he fell out of love with me doesn't change that.

It seems everytime I take a step forward, I end up taking 3 steps back. Everytime I think I'm doing or saying the right things, it ends up being wrong. I have done more to push him away than I have to bring him home just by opening my mouth so I'm clamming up about all of it. Whatever will be, will be.

I just wanted you all to know that I jumped to conclusions. I still don't agree that it's OK for him to have this kind of relationship with another woman, but we are seperated and I guess he feels it's not a big deal. He said he's talked to other woman and men at work about this too. Kind of like therapy.

Maybe I'm an idiot, but it doesn't really matter anymore any way. Right now I need to concentrate on getting my kids back into their father's life and then I need to concentrate on a divorce.

I want to thank all of you for your support and words of encouragement.

Love to you all,
Chrissy