Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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pickingup 02/09/2016

there was a major crane accident in NY last Friday; it was all over the news. My stbx actually works in the area. I debated but I sent a very simple text, inquiring if he is okay. He replied with a very simple answer. First off, I really debated it and now I regret it because I simply have not been myself. I feel really bad as if I am re-experiencing the nightmare. In fact, I am beginning to think I have some PTSD like reaction to the divorce; I keep reliving situations over and over in my head. I can't seem to not think about certain events/places/memories.
Why is this a big deal? Well, guess when he signed the agreement to file the divorce? yep. the very day I enquired about his well being, last Friday. Now, I know he is filing and I also am completing my paperwork but somehow, it just seems a lot more cold that he did it on Friday. I know..
Just haven't been myself guys. I seem to have taken a step backwards since Friday. I can't seem to recover. I feel that I am slipping into a deeper depression. On top of things, I am very stressed trying to make deadlines and applying for jobs; doesn't help that nothing has materialized yet.
I keep going but inside, I feel so broken and lost.
It's been 9 months since this all started and I can't remember the last day I felt happy. I have been miserable for such a long time; I just wish for some peace.
I keep going guys.

amazinggrace15 02/09/2016

Glad you are here. I understand, my x left January of 2015. Last year was horrible for me. Just keep sharing and do the next best thing for you.

amazinggrace15 02/09/2016

No contact works best for me. His bday is the 14th and I have been debating about sending him a happy birthday text.

kamary 02/09/2016

That's ok. I think most everyone here has given in to a need to make contact at some point. That's your caring nature and your old habit kicking in. You will gradually learn new habits that will replace your old ones. The less you use your old neural pathways and work at forming new ones, the less this will happen.

Good on you for keeping on going, PU. The day will come when it's all over and you can finally get some distance.

big hugs, my dear
kamary

mirandac 02/09/2016

Be gentle with yourself, this is a bad time.

I was grieving so much it was terrible,
Still have trouble with focusing on things.

It does get better when its over and there
Is a decree in place. It hurts but none of
That hoping things will turn around. That
Is almost worse.

I started detaching after no contact post
Divorce even Though we lived seperate
for 10 months, it did not matter.

Detaching is the answer, I am only at 30%.
I have not seen him or talked To him since
end of June 2015. Are only contact Is mail
or email. The email is info only no response
Needed.

CowgirlKathi 02/10/2016

All of us probably broke the No Contact Rule at least once in our journey of divorce. It definitely kicks you in the butt. However, you can't go back and Un-Do it. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo

caligirl92354 02/10/2016

I can so relate to what you're experiencing. It just reopens that wound and you just feel like it's more than you can do to recover. I will tell you that 9 months is still really early to be over all the sadness and grief. I remember thinking "when will this sadness end. Will I ever be happy? I'm sure this is never going to go away". You just can't imagine that it won't consume most of your thoughts forever. But I am here to tell you that it does. It did take me about 2 1/2 years. And then the worst of it was done but I have still been recovering. They say it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to fully heal. Life will go on, and the first day that goes by that you don't think of them, you almost feel like doing the happy dance.

Being here on DS and sharing your feelings is so healing and those of us that have been where you are can relate and we can support you with our thoughts and prayers. So, like Cowgirl sayd, you can un-do it. Pick yourself up and know that it has happened to all of us, and keep moving forward. Just be gentle with yourself, be super kind to yourself, don't start the negative chatter in your head, and nurture yourself.

Big hugs

yougospam 02/10/2016

Please don't be hard on yourself. I know many of us have broken NC, I for one multiple times (just read my journal or some of my posts) Each time I did I felt justified in doing so, you know....finding any excuse to reach out. Most of them were just lame excuses on my part and what I had hoped would happen by breaking NC is that he would miss me, apologize and beg to come back, we all know that didn't happen.

What I will say is with time when I did see him, text or call him, the pain of the situation (his leaving and the divorce)lessoned and I slowly have been able to distance myself from him and the "need" to break NC gets easier to stick to. I'm sure I'll still have some temptations even with all of the self help I do during those times, but I now know it's over and nothing will change the outcome. I still love my ex and wish for his well being but I won't be the one to fix him anymore. He's a big boy, he needs to figure that out for himself. I know that I did everything I could to save our marriage so I don't have any regrets on my end of things, nor will you.

Keep going PU, its a rough journey but you are strong, we will support you any way we can. Hugs!!!

MNMama 02/10/2016

Try not to regret a quick check to see that someone you care about, have loved, is OK. It shows you're a compassionate, caring person, even in the face of difficulties, you have a heart. That's a good thing. The hard thing is anyone that has a heart and cares about anything can feel pain.
You're early on, and still not finished with the paperwork. There's still a lot of grieving to go, but keep this in mind: it will get better, not as fast as you want, not in an instant, but gradually, steadily, and surely.
Take care of yourself as well as you can, eat healthy foods, get rest and drink a lot.... of water that is! LOL
I'm down a bit this year too. My son is on a cruise with his girlfriend so I can't even hope for a call on Valentine's Day this year. Torn between trying to ignore it or buying myself flowers and chocolate.
Keep on coming here and sharing. You're not alone, and we'll get through this together.

amazinggrace15 02/10/2016

MNMama,
I am actually this king about buying myself chocolates and flowers this year :)

amazinggrace15 02/10/2016

thinking

cmonge 02/12/2016

even when you think it's something completely innocuous, it can still set you back. And you can't see the emotional setback coming until after the wound is reopened. I do still talk to my ex, but I have had some bad setbacks (unexpectedly) based on something seemingly innocent that comes out of conversations, so now I try to limit it to kid discussions only because I never know how something will affect me.

Atpeacemary 02/13/2016

Hon, you are being too hard on yourself. You have shown him that you are a warm, loving caring woman, even in the face of such betrayal and grief. If you happen to see him, just smile turn around and walk away. That was one of the hardest things I did when I first saw him after the divorce.

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