Mine didn't change, if anything she is way more resentful. I mean she started the divorce as a means to take what little control I had over me away...(very controlling personality verbally abusive) and it backfired on her. She would used the divorce word as a means of control...well I followed through. Physically, mentally, emotionally I am much better. Financially not as good but that will work itself out. But as for better no, and I don't expect it to.....she is very bitter, cold even with our daughter...and I DO hope that changes......but as for me...I will just stay clear of her as not to create any more bitterness.

My stbx has been more angry with me through this whole mess than he ever was during our marriage and I haven't done anything. He blames everything on me, especially the reaction of our kids. He's called me blood thirsty, vindictive and cut throat and he knows I'm none of these things. I've actually had to tell him to calm down several times since HE left. Usually it was him telling me to lower my voice. Things have changed. I believe it's because things aren't going exactly as he thought they would He's not getting what he wants and he's used to getting what he wants.

I'm not fully divorced yet so I don't know if that will change, but my demeanor with him will remain cool and distant. I will never allow him to think that what he did was ok and it's water under the bridge. I don't ever plan on being on friendly terms with him - he ripped my heart out when he left and I will never forget that.

I'm not divorced yet but as soon as this is over I am done dealing with him. At least for several years to come. He's been mean and resentful and he's the one that had the affair. I can be civil and polite. That's all I plan on giving. My stbx said for the very first time today that this was his fault. He then started yelling at me. Lord, let this be over soon.

I am certainly in the same spot...he is the one who cheated, who left the marriage and refused to try! Yet, he has blamed this entire thing on me and feels I have treated him so poorly because I took him to court for support! I agree with Chrissy, things didn't go the way they thought it was going to, so then all hell breaks loose! He will not speak to me unless he has too! He will not come see his sick son at our home because I am here! He expects me to change my plans for him every single time he gets him. He never tells me the plan, only our son because he doesn't want to speak to me and has no respect and I believe it is actually hatred at this point, especially since he got back from his vacation with his "friend". That would have torn me apart not so long ago, but I know I cannot control him and it is what it is! So be it! I will NEVER be his friend! Friends don't mistreat! I hope for Tom's sake, it improves, but I cannot control him, so...
Big hugs!

I hope we can be civil

My x was a "nice" guy while he was cheating on me and for a while after I found out about the affair. When he filed for divorce he remained "nice" while we talked about the settlement. As soon as I demanded "my fair share" things turned ugly. It all came down to money. He blames me for everything, and I too, would say he now hates me. We have not spoken for quite sometime. Last summer he sued me (and lost) but that was it. I plan to never see or speak to him again. It would have to be different if we had younger kids, but we don't. My experience tells me "they" (your x) will be nice as long as he gets what he wants from you. They seem to get so arrogant during the process. You will know pretty much right away how it is he will be. Hugs!

Their anger towards us is really their form of justification, to ensure to themselves that their irrational decision(s) were justifiable. Like many of you, my X also left the relationship to enter a lifestyle which entailed being with someone else. Today she continues to live in a fallacy world, however is hurt and angry with me because our three children want nothing to do with her.
I believe what's important is to realize that it's their dysfunction and what's important is that we not tie into it and allow it to affect us. The flip side to this is when they want to be friends with you and to me that's another form of dysfunction, because why would you want to be a friend to someone that has hurt you so bad.

I'm in agreement with the posts above - why bother with a friendship with them? wm98 is right, they seek a 'friendship' out of their own guilt, not because they care for you as a friend. And to answer your question, once a jerk, always a jerk - but maybe in a "nicer" way. Why bother with them after the divorce? If he cared the least bit about you, he wouldn't be a jerk now! He would have done everything to provide for the mother of his children, the woman that spend many years by his side. Once a leopard, always a leopard! And after the divorce, you'll find that once you're out of his "crazy making" life, you won't need or want him as a friend! He broke the 'for better or worse' covenant he made with you. You don't owe him and considerations anymore.

I made the decision a month or so ago to "not bite the hand that feeds me". So I'm nice and polite and agreeable, I still control the fact that his current "wife" or whatever he wants to call her is never welcome at anything to do with our kids (in fact my kids never see her), and he pays for whatever I tell him I need. I used to bitch at him every chance I got, thinking somehow it would make me feel better to treat him badly because, after all, handn't he treated me badly? But in the end, I can manage to be nice the measly 3 or 4 hours a week he carves out of his precious world to spend with our kids and granddaughter, and in return, ease some of the financial pressure. And I readily admit, I do get an immense amount of pleasure out of the simplest little things he shares with me, like taking our granddaughter for a walk, or taking her to the park, or going out to dinner with our kids, and she's on her fat ass at home with her dog!

There is a difference after divorce, and I am divorced. Whether it get better or worse is not the issue, it is about severing the ties. It is no longer an emotional tie, it is a business relationship, if even that. Until you are legally divorced you will not be able to fully experience this.

It is a mindset where if you are healthy you build a new life that empowers you, and you change the habits and patterns where you no longer ask the ex for advice or support. This may be the hardest tie to break, to stay out of each others lives. You are not married anymore and you will only be left disappointed if you stop discussing your fears, or personal issues and it only opens the door for anger and emotional connections that lead to disappointment. That is why you are divorced, because one or both of you did not want this kind of tie any longer.

You are not a wife or husband anymore and should not exhibit any behavior that mimics that role. If he/she wants support or someone to talk about things it will not and should not be you. There is a lot of talk about being " friends". You are not friends, you are ex's. That means you stay out of his life, he out of yours. You do not need to know where he goes, what he does, what he is thinking or or whom he seeing. Nor does he need to know those things about you as well. you must keep your privacy and he his. You are divorced.

This is when the no contact and communication is limited to short e-mails and brief phone calls. He is not your friend, you are not his.. once you are divorced you will no longer refer to him as "my guy", and nor will you be worried about what his personality or mood is. Will you think of him, sure, but more importantly you will be thinking about your life and yourself more, not what he is doing or thinking. Hugs

That is " if you don't stop discussing your fears, or personal issues"

Mine didn't change at all. He's still a selfish bastard and is only nice to me when he wants something. We are still trying to sell our house so I do still have to speak to him (via email and text messages). So far we have been able to keep the contact to a minimum and be civil towards each other. Once the house sells then all of our business dealings will be concluded and I will most likely never see or hear from him again except for special events involving our girls (ie. graduation, wedding).

Ms Terey is so right. I know how hard it is to break that connection because after ALL THIS TIME the natural urge is to talk to your ex because for so long they were who you went to. But no more. So hard to accept. The sooner you accept it, the better. I tried the "being friends" thing and it was he who left! It's not worth the pain of still being connected. Cut the cord. Hurts like hell, but THEN you will be free.

If anything, my ex is worse now that we've had our final hearing. But what can I expect? I'd be mean and nasty too if I got my ass kicked in court twice--he he!

We still have paperwork and such to deal with and his nastiness makes it difficult. After it's all done, I don't care if I ever see him again.

Ms Terey, I agree with you. I'm not divorced yet, but we have been separated for almost a year. Until recently, I did hope that we could get back together, but now I know we can't do that unless I am willing to go back to being his doormat again.
I'm starting to emotionally detach myself whenever I see him, reminding myself that the marriage I really had was not the one I thought I had. He was the one who demanded limited contact just to hurt me, but that was the best thing he ever did for me.
We have 2 grown children and a grandchild, so I know I will see him at family functions, but I won't have to worry about his moods. It's sad that all the plans I thought we had for our retirement won't happen, but at least I will be able to make my own decisions, even though he will think I'm a jerk, because I won't be doing what he would do.
I will be polite because I'm a polite person, and I don't want to cause more problems for my kids. They will have enough aggravation dealing with him.
He will NEVER take responsibility for any of the problems in our marriage, and he will probably blame me even more when I'm ready to file. After all, I put up with his bad behavior for 41 years. Why would he believe that I really mean what I am saying now?
This support group is the best place to go to keep your sanity during this stressful time. Everyone here understands.