Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
After everything that has come to pass, I'm finding myself either just wanting to give in to life and give up the fight, or become just like the selfish jerks who seem to prosper and get way more than they deserve. I feel like the people who are taking advantage of others and thinking only of themselves and have the "me me me" attitude are taking over and prospering while the "good guys" like me are struggling and getting run over. I'm sick of it but I feel powerless to stop it. There are a lot of new people on board here who may not know what I have been through, so let me summarize: After 21 years of being together, I was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd child when my then husband decided he preferred my daughter's best friends mom to me and walked out. He was not involved with the pregnancy and sees his now 16 month old a couple of hours every other week. I couldn't possibly tell you all the awful things he has subjected my other 2 kids to but needless to say they are in therapy and I will be lucky if they don't turn out all screwed up. Since he is in the military, when he was having this affair, walked out on us, was threatening to cut us off financially and in my opinion emotionally abusing the kids, I went to his commander, who blew me off, the JAG office and the Inspector General to get help. They didn't do a damn thing and I found out last week he was PROMOTED!! He lives with the ow so they live in a big house with plenty of luxuries and money to spend. He has his kids part time which I think he likes because he gets every other week with just his whore. His lifestyle had definitely improved while I am struggling to make ends meet. And I'm not the only one right? There are so many people on this site who are struggling while the ex's are flourishing! So what do I teach my children? Put themselves first no matter what and take what they can to get ahead in the world, or do what is "right" and "fair" and "just" and hope they don't get taken advantage of? How do I get across to my kids that what their dad did was wrong when he lives a better life than me, who is always trying to do the "right" thing? As a parent should I be teaching them how to make it in the world, how to compete, which means teaching them to think only of themselves only? How do I teach them right from wrong when it seems more prosperous and satisfying to do wrong? Why should I for that matter always do what's best for everyone and struggle when I could do what's best for me and mine and get ahead? Does anyone else feel this way? I'm not saying all people are selfish and self serving but there are enough of them that it makes me think. Are we just martyrs with no pay off in the end? Someone please tell me why I should keep walking the straight and narrow while struggling when I could just as easily look out for only mine and take advantage of every opportunity right or wrong and get a head in the world while having more fun too!! I know the "pearly gates" will determine. Or will they? Because after all, depending on your beliefs even after playing dirty all you have to do is ask to be forgiven and the gates are open to you! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Why shouldn't I be a taker instead of a giver? Someone talk to me! Why? And am I the only one who's thought about this? Please tell me I'm not alone.
" Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE PASTURE. Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. "
True enough, I do shutter to think that forgiveness is given even to evil doers....but THEY firstly must admit to ownership and acknowledge their wrong deeds [ which is a form of repending] . I suppose even therapist might see this sincerity as a behavioral process of change...all "For the Good". But those ex's who do not.....well, let them repeat the bad deed with the OW and wither for sure.....This is consistent with the theory of the ex's new life being "seasonal" and "short lived".
Remember that " A satisfied soul loathes the honey" [hang true to your righterous character], "but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet" [don't waiver settling for less cuz of the lean times].
What you teach to your kids is the fact that you will not entrust yourself to the care of spiritual paupers who are incapable of recognizing our true worth. ...having true honest down to the bone forever LOVE.
I have given 200% of myself to my marriage, feeling as if he has tAken 300% and little. Don't let this selfish, rude man, not worthy of your love and generousity, take away your soul or the very best part of yourself. Focus your giving side on youself, your children and your friends, and the internal rewards will be well worth it in the end.
I wish you best on a difficult journey, we are all here because we are enduring our own and will support you throught hick and thin.
Barb
I am so sorry about your circumstances. I am an x military wife. We were married for 24 yrs. when my x did just about the same thing. However, the woman he left me for is no longer in the picture and he has had a few others since then. Incredibly sad, I think. Do you have legal separation papers in place? In NC your separation agreement becomes your divorce agreement. You should get spousal maintenance and child support until he retires and then you should get a percentage of his retirement based on how long you were married and how long he was on active duty while you were married. You probably know all this, but thought I would mention it anyway. If he is living with the ow that's a big no no and you might benefit from that depending on your state. I know I could have sued the ow for alienation of affection, but just the threat of it worked for me. Please don't back down from what you DESERVE! One of the first things my lawyer told me was, "You've got to look out for yourself because he isn't going to." She was right...at first he was going to let me have everything, then, little by little that started to go away. You should be a taker in all of this, and remember, he isn't GIVING you anything, YOU WORKED HARD and you DESERVE it!
The pearly gates will be open, but guess what? There is still a price to pay whether you are forgiven or not. I have been in your shoes and it is terribly unfair, but believe me, I think in the end your x will have regrets although he will probably never admit it. Someone said "living well is the best revenge." I agree with that. My life is much harder financially, but I am happier without him (99% of the time). I have the best part of our marriage, our children, and while they talk to him, they have him all figured out and don't have much respect for him. He doesn't deserve you and probably never did. As far as that promotion goes~it will become partly yours! Smile about that! One other thing, my x gave me separation papers drafted by a military lawyer, I took them to my lawyer and she laughed and scratched through things like crazy. She then looked at me and told me that she wasn't trying to make any money off of me, but she needed to draft the papers and she did. If you haven't already get yourself your own lawyer and do not back down from what you want and deserve. I wasn't entitled to the amount of retirement I got, but I told him what I wanted and we "bartered" a bit. I ended up with 5% less than I asked for, but 13% more than I was actually entitled to. Please be strong through this, it's so incredibly hard, I know, we all know! But, you can do this and you will come out stronger on the other end. I am sorry your husband was awful to you and the kids.I don't know what happens to them, but on the bright side, it's not your problem anymore. If I can do anything to help you, I'm here for you! Big hugs and lots of sunshine!
My counselor said to think about it differently, to look at what I have gained from the divorce. I no longer have anxiety every day because I feared his verbal/emotional abuse; I actually have a little bit of money instead of tons of debt; I no longer have to put up with stroking his fragile ego and having no life of my own.
Yes, sometimes I get down because I know he's currently living a better lifestyle then I am, but I also know how he handles money. It will be a matter of time before he's in piles of debt. I also don't think he's happy with the ow but he doesn't know how to change that situation.
In the long run, these cheaters pay, if not now, then when they go to meet God.
Hugs to you! I know how frustrating it can be.
You teach your children all that is good, fair and just. Being the best that you can be, is still what we need to do - everyday. That is the only way to live a good life. Teach them that THERE ARE those out there that think differently. That they may need to "not" turn the other cheek from time to time in their lives and they may have to fight for what is right. Teach them to always find a solution to a problem. Cheating, lying or hurting others to solve a problem is the wrong way. Teach them that love doesn't hurt. That morals and values count. Teach them that anything of worth will be a struggle - any easy fix will only be temporary.
What happened to you and your family, I know has been horrific. It seems very hard to even try to believe that you're in a better place then he, right now. But, you are. It may take a little time, but I assure you that your x will pay the price for all that he's done. His "luck" will run out - it always does.