Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I found what I believed to be a great attorney. She's in her early 60s, very experienced, we get along well, very smart. I hired her, paid her a $3,500 retainer. After our initial consultation, I didn't hear from her for awhile…a couple of weeks. Found out she had gone on vacation and broken her ankle. Had been out for a bit trying to recover. I finally sent her an email with many questions. She decided we needed to meet. We met for 2 hours. She answered all my questions and determined that I had 3 immediate needs. One was a car. I have been driving my daughter's car while she is in college. It's a 2002 Ford Taurus and beginning to fall apart. My husband bought a used tire for $50 to replace one that needed replacing. She was floored by that and said he should buy me a car in cash immediately. Second thing was more money. He's been giving me $300 in cash every two weeks(when he gets paid). I pay for groceries, gas, etc. with that. He pays all the other stuff…mortgage, utilities, etc. Attorney was horrified by that small amount of $. She said I needed more money. Third, we needed my husband's financial information since the beginning of this year. These "immediate needs" were determined on March 17th. I am still waiting. She went on another vacation last week, after repeated emails re: my lack of a car. Out of pure frustration, I fired her. She had a fit. Begged me to hang on, said she had been making progress, sent over some documents that indicated she had been making progress. So, I hired her back. She seemed glad and promised to do a better job of communicating the progress being made. Yesterday, she was supposed to be back in town and on top of things with my case. Still haven't heard from her. <sigh> Any thoughts? Do things really take THIS LONG? I am so frustrated.
The lack of communication from my atty is VERY frustrating. Give me break! I don't know if it is my X who is slowing things down, his atty, or neglect on my atty's part.
It can be a very long, frustrating road.
Unfortunately, yes, the process can take long, especially in a long-term marriage. And if your stbx is stubborn and dragging his feet, that can add to the time and frustration. My ex drug his feet and after 6 months of trying to work things out amicably, I took the leash off my attorney and she went after him like a dog goes after steak.
You also have to remember that she is dealing with the opposing counsel, and if he/she is not any good, that could be causing the delays. Be patient. Perhaps insist on a progress report once a month (or sooner), but remember, you are eating that retainer.
Stay strong.
hurt, I do think my soon-to-be ex and his attorney are stalling because the slower they move, the less he has to pay me. I have wondered about "taking the leash off" my attorney and going after him. I honestly can't see him parting with his money without a battle. He's not a big brawl kind of guy. He's more of a quiet stinker. I think my attorney has picked up on that, thank goodness.
RE: reply #3 How can that be? There are EX's who do not want to follow a court order and will ignore it. The only way to get it enforced is to go back to a lawyer and have the matter taken up with the judge....that cost $$$. If you don't have money to do that then nothing happens.
In response to your questions about Misred's comment, most attorneys will take a credit card and IF you have to take a deadbeat back to court you CAN get your costs reimbursed, but that has to be SPELLED OUT in your financial settlement agreement. And even so, YOU will have to pay up front and then, if you win your case, HOPE that the deadbeat will actually reimburse you for those attorney and court costs.
But you are a long way from a final settlement. I think you need to focus on what your financial needs are right now. Another important question is this: Has your stbx actualy RETAINED COUNSEL? If not, all your attorney can do is send letters to the stbx and if he chooses to be an assclown and NOT respond, you are throwing money in a hole.
I remember all too well my own 18 Months of Hell. The now-X refused to HIRE an attorney until (after 9 of those months) I finally (like hurtinandhealin said) took the leash off my lawyer and told her to go ahead and file for divorce even though in the state where we lived, you couldn't get a final divorce until you had lived separate and apart for 12 months. Even then, he stalled on the discovery process and my attorney ended up having to get COURT ORDERS to subpoena his financial records and cell phone records. What an ASSCLOWN!
My Momma always said....you can't push a rope
Misred, I have a non interest-bearing VISA card. He set this up through his employer, which is a bank. I don't have to pay interest. However, because he is paying me so little every two weeks, I just save it all and pay off the card. BUT - my balance is over $8,000 now. My attorney has asked - because these are living expenses of mine and we're not officially separated yet - that he pay this balance off in full, right now.
I hope your lawyer starts doing what she says she is going to do. Different states have different laws and when I separated from my EX I had to pay for all my own stuff. There is no spousal support here where I live and I was working full time. There were a few lean months at the start. My divorce only took 90 days and I used my settlement to pay off all the debt I had and my car so I didn't have to get a loan on it. The car was titled in his name and that was the only way to get it off. I think because my EX pushed for it, we got it done quickly. Quickly is not always best...but it worked for me. We didn't have any assets. If your husband has retirement and other benefits that are divisible, it will take time for your lawyer to sort through it all. The process is called discovery. You don't want to miss out on something because you didn't know about it. Be patient. I know it's hard because you are in limbo and can't plan anything, plus you don't have reliable transportation.
Sounds to me like he is waiting to get something from you...an offer before he gets a lawyer.
The judge will need financial information to analyze your financial needs vs. his required ability based on formulated calculations/ variables. And yes, obtaining the required information can easily be prolonged, as well getting scheduled onto backlogged court docks.
Surely, when your stbx misappropriates and abuses your marital money is when you do "take the leash off" from your attorney. You've got to assess first if he's just volunteering pennies right now compared to actual earnings. Not seeing him parting with his money can be determined after you go to counseling and see what cards he lays on the table. You'll get a sense how he intends to play his consequences. He'll either protest divorce or talk of reconciliation [which is your advantage].
Some posters have been advised by their lawyers to "manipulate the manipulator" as the strategy to hopefully continue incoming financial stability long as possible. Letting daddy continue voluteer to "pay for everything" is a huge risk with him stopping finances at ANYTIME if he gets hissy. Some women therefore will rather not take the unpredictability and perfer to move on with court orders from divorce.