First went the attorney route, then decided to do mediation. It was MUCH less expensive, and more emotionally supportive. Our mediator listened to both of us, helped quide the discussions, and eventually drew up our settlement agreement. Still, had to have an attorney look over the final thing but saved bunches of money. Also, the mediator had a way of making sure I was heard. i loved that! If I said something that was ignored by my x, she would say, do you hear what she is asking for? Almost like therapy while you are dividing up your life. Without the adversarial attorney thing going back and forth it just seems more face to face which helps when you want to be heard and you want to save money. It's been two years since the divorce, and I have heard so many horror stories of thousands of dollars spent on attorneys. Everyone loses in a divorce, so why pay even more for it? Call the family court in your area, and see if they have a list of certified mediators. Talk to one. See how it works. Save the money for YOUR new life., I'm glad I did. And I feel like it was a higher ground to take as well, which is good for my kids, and me. I will say, that as I did not want the divorce I refused to pay even the mediation fees. He wanted it so he paid. Your husband seems to be in a hurry too so perhaps he will pay too when he sees what he will save in the long run. As it was I had to pay my attorney to look it all over and that was enough. He wanted it...he paid. If you need anymore info or details just send me a message with any questions. Good luck, be strong, and hold your head high because YOU are the honorable and proud one. Forget the skank. It is NEVER as good for them as our imaginations think it is, or as good as the x's pretend it is. And really all that matters is how GREAT you life is going to be. You will get there. You ARE getting there. As my sister once told me, when you are going through hell, don't stop!

I don't have any words about mediation, but if it works for you, do it. Don't be afraid. You'll do just fine. I agree with smipolly, life isn't that great where he is either. Real life will take it's toll on the two shallow ones much quicker then you think. Get on with your life with pride and dignity - you deserve it.

We didn't do mediation but my therapist was the president of our states mediator's association. She told me what to ask for in the divorce. You don't have to take their advice. If your mediator says you should get x, y and z and you think you should have a, b and c you can hire an attorney. She also told me that one guy screamed at her that he would never pay that much money to his wife. Two years later she got a message from him saying that she was right and that's what the judge ordered him to pay. Thousands of dollars later. I would suggest finding a good one in your state.

My experience was not good. stbx wanted it and paid for it (except for my lawyer). They had us in one room--the mediator introduced himself, explained how he worked and then we went to our seperate rooms. He made up a lame excuse to have his brother and sister in law with him. The first round we waited over an hour for him to give an inch. Then the mediator told him if we called part of it alimony he could take it off his taxes. He jumped on that and took off on a totally different direction. You HAVE to go into it open minded--WANTING to get it settled. He wanted the mediator to tell me that I was worthless and didn't deserve anything. Needless to say it was a waste of time and money. Good luck to you.

For me, it would be a waste. My NSETBX is not rational.

I have not gotten to this road yet...just wanted to say Im sorry for your pain and send a hug your way.

We went to mediation, I have posted that before and you might want to look through the posts, there have been a few on mediation in the last 4 months.

Ours was on our own, we had reached a stalemate on parts of the settlement. This was before I hired a lawyer, I was doing a lot of the divorce stuff as my ex was at that point willing to give me half..my half,that had been eroding. The short version was that it was an agency here that the courts use. I am a trained negotiator, and believe that any mediating or bargaining is ineffective after about 2 hours.. this session went 5.5 and we did not reach an agreement. I did not think much of this place, and suspect that they want a nice agreement so their statistics come out good for their funding and grants.. This is your life, the biggest deal you might ever make. It did exactly what I wanted it do, I got to see his cards so to speak and what he was not going to agree on. I suggested at the end of 5 hours we at least write down the items we did agree on and the mediators were like, duh, that's a good idea.

I had an attorney in the wings at this point, my wonderful attorney, and I called him later that day and said, you're on, take this over for me, we have our first hearing in 30 days. I had enough. He felt I accomplished what I wanted in mediation, we saw his break point what he would do or not do. The mediators take all your notes, their notes and distroy it all and end of sesssion.. no problem I remembered everything money wise we talked about..I also had about 15 settlements offers we had exchanged in person and email..

First and foremost, I stated this at the begining, I was not going sign anything and they were not going send the results to the court until I had an attorney look it over. That is essential. The mediation session was 300.00, 150 each. Do not confuse this type of mediation with the bargaining mediation you may do with your lawyer and you in one room and the stbx and his/hers in another.. that is bargaining to reach a settlement.

As to what Shorty wrote, all maintenance is taxable to whom it is paid, and deductible to the whom paid it. Not child support or family support, which is a blend of maintenance and child support. Federal Tax law. AND a very unprofessional place if family members are allowed to particpate.

Hope this helps, it can be a tool to reach a resolution, but like I said, I would never agree to anything unless I had legal counsel look it over..your life and future at stake.

I wanted to add, if you do not have a lot of assets and or financial complications, you might just be better off with an attorney and skip this whole part. He will propose how to deal with the legal and property issues, and it if it is maintenance, they use a formula of sorts. I wish you the best, I know you are afraid, but you deserve better than this, and if there is not a lot of money involved, it might be a simple, and I know it not every simple emotionally, legal deal that you both agree on. Best to you, and a big hug!

I have been hearing that if your spouse is unstable, it may not be the best avenue. I think I have convinced myslef that mediation is not the way to go . this is the rest of my life and i found i cant count on him for sh*t!!! I pray the lawyer I see tomorrow will shed more light on this huge big deal!! Damn this sux!!! Thanks to all

My understanding is that if you can work fairly and amicably, mediation is the best. I always wonder how people who are divorcing can work fairly and amicably, but I guess this happens. I have a friend who said they could just settle everything pretty easily in mediation. Lucky her. It also depends on your assets and how clear cut it all is. If you have a lot of common ground, why not try for it.

If there is abuse, mediation can be bad. One person has the power and control so there is not a level playing field. The victim gives in too easily. I would be wary of mediation in this context except as part of an ongoing divorce with counsel.

There is also collaborative divorce. You both have attorneys who agree to step down if you go to trial. That way they have a huge incentive to help you settle. The down side is if you think your X is the type who will want to go to trial anyway. You go thru all this and end up having to try the case.

My husband is abusive and refused the foregoing so we are going the attorney route. I think it sucks, but I also know I must stand up for my legal rights. I didn't even realize I got a share of his partnership. I thought I just got part of his income. So thank God I had an attorney to help me with this.

We have been to mediation 3 times for temporary orders. I can only imagine what we will go through for permanent orders. I think we will end up in a trial unfortunately.

One thing that helped me was to carve off issues for mediation. For example, we won't move on to financial until we settled parenting time. That way we could get something signed each time. At least we made progress. I have heard of people who settle financial and then have a fight over parenting time and the whole thing falls apart after hours of mediation.