Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

startinanew 10/27/2008

I originally posted this in my journal but then I thought maybe somebody here may beable to help me....

I haven't slept more then a few hours in the last couple of weeks....I lay there either staring at the ceiling thinking or crying into my pillow. I cry way more lately then I ever have...I try putting the TV on but it does no good. I can't seem to shut off my mind. When I do fall asleep I usually dream of me leaving here...or getting ready to go...things usually get ugly in my dreams and I have to wake myself up. Then I can't fall back to sleep. I have been sick with a cold and flu for the past few weeks too and can't seem to shake it. My head is pounding non stop and I am completely exhausted. All day at work I seem to be dragging myself through the day but when I get home and lay down I can't seem to relax...its as though I can't unwind...I just don't feel right...8(

Any advice would be appreciated...

deleted_user 10/27/2008

My counselor really helped me with this one - when you want to turn off the mind-racing, just think (or even say out loud) STOP - this is really hard, so keep doing it. Some meditation techniques work for me too - inhale deeply for the count of 4, exhale slowly to the count of 4, do this 4 times and then breathe normally for the count of 4. Repeat this endlessly until you are calm and your mind clears.

When you are trying to fall asleep, really listen to what is going on around you and concentrate on that - there is a lot going on - the heater turns itself on and off, there are house-settling noises, maybe the pets are moving around or just listen to them breathing.

I know you are probably laughing right now, and I was skeptical too, but try it and see if it works for you. Let me know how it goes.

deleted_user 10/27/2008

I was up most of last night. The more I can't sleep the more I panic which makes it worse. Tonight I'm going to take an Ambien. I've only taken them 3 times since this started. I've also tried a glass of wine with Tylenol PM.

Last night what worked for me was counting and I'd also picture the number so my mind would focus on that and not what's going on with my life.

Good luck to you.

deleted_user 10/27/2008

Unfortunately, the drugs do not work for me, actually make me more anxious, and I don't sleep for more than 4 hours. I'm now sleeping about 6 hours which is a vast improvement - believe me if I could take a knock-out pill that would let me sleep for 2 or 3 days I would do it.

deleted_user 10/27/2008

Everyone's different in what works for them. For me, just not worrying about it works best. If I start thinking too much about a weird sleep pattern - it's like watching a kettle boil, it only makes it worse. TylenolPM helps me a lot if I know I NEED more sleep. I don't seem to have that much of a problem with not sleeping though. Just once in a while. I hope you find something to help you rest. LOL

deleted_user 10/27/2008

They say that having a regular schedule works. Sometimes when I can't sleep I will take a warm bath and not read. I just use the time to relax (I used lavendar bath crystals which are relaxing). Also, a natural remedy is Melatonin. If you have thyroid issues you can't take it but my counselor told me about it and I told my friends when I first got on here on DS and it worked for them. Also, the magnesium vitamin works for me. I take it every day. And when push comes to shove, the tylenol pm works. I didn't want to take any medication that I would come dependent on. And they say if you can't sleep after 15-30 minutes, you just need to get up and read for a little while and then try again. Good luck and it sure is something most of us have had to deal with!

deleted_user 10/27/2008

When I'm sick, it makes it that much harder for me to pick myself up! Be gentle with yourself. For me I needed to give myself permission to be sick. When I did that, a lot of anxiety dropped away. Make it a priority to get better! Take medicines to ease the symptoms of your cold, don't try to tough it out! Have that chicken soup! Take that extra nap!

The Stop suggestion is very effective! It takes some getting used to, but it works! Take back control of your mind and thoughts! Don't let them control you! Light exercise, meditation, yoga, stretching are good things to try that benefit mental and physical health.

Number one is accept that you are going through a rough time. It's okay to feel crappy. No need to fight it. It will pass.

Hugs! Take care now!

MsTerey 10/27/2008

I was sleep deprived during a lot of this divorce and did not know it. I always had exercised my way out things and this did not work any longer. After about 6 months I got anti depressants and Xanax. I have never had prescriptions and do the healthy mind body forever, and it was not working for me.
Sometimes this is what it take to get the anxiety and mind thoughts under control. I stayed on it for about 6 months.

I do believe in structure, a good diet, exercise and the mental routine. A good therapist. All of these things in combination. I

Take care, Hugs!

stopthistrain 10/27/2008

I am afraid that i had to go the medication route as well. BUT i will not apologize for that. I was at the point of such anxiety that I am sure the stress level is way worse than the meds I am on. And this will be only temporary. SOmetimes we need to know when to ask for help. Both my therapists knew i needed more and i tried meditation techiniques all the time. I use ambien cr for sleep and it does allow me more sleep than i was getting before. i am also on an anti depressant which seems to be helping with the anxiety. Best of luck..it sux

startinanew 10/27/2008

Thanks for all the great advice...

deleted_user 10/27/2008

The only thing that works for me is Ambien CR. It works the best for me. I sleep through the night and don't have a problem waking up no matter how late I take it. Without Ambien CR I stare at the ceilings and think way too much. You need your sleep to function and keep from getting sick. You need to see your doctor.

deleted_user 10/27/2008

Time to go to sleep. My Ambien CR is kicking in and i am ready for sleep. Please try to get help for sleeping. Without sleep you cannot deal with this life right now. Known of us are that strong.

deleted_user 10/28/2008

this will sound odd.... I had a lot of trouble sleeping for the first couple of weeks. When she had been there, I felt safe and comfortable. Without her, my mind raced through all of the reasons and the questions and I felt alone and scared.

I don't know what you would call this, but I imagined her there with me... felt that safe feeling... and then worked on getting rid of her in my mind and keeping the feeling. It took many, many nights. But it worked... In my mind, I knew that the feeling didn't come from her, I just had to convince my (heart?)....

Chrissy614 10/28/2008

Would alcohol be an inappropriate answer. :) Just kidding - hope it made you smile.

I think you just need some time. Take naps when you can and when your life calms down, your sleeping patterns will return to normal. I still have dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep for 4 months. But now, I sleep so much better.

Hugs to you.

Join the Conversation