Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Just got home from second round of mediation. It\'s like tearing my heart out all over again. I am trying to stay positive but sometimes it hurts so much I can hardly breathe. I don\'t know what I keep expecting at these sessions, but I always leave feeling empty, hurt and lonely.
I was emailing the stbx for a while \"talking\" a little bit, finally about what happened and then it ended quickly when it came to his girlfriend and talk of her moving in with him. During that time when we were friendly, I felt okay, like we can be friends. Then he shut me down again and I was left feeling awful and alone again. I\'ve been struggling with that for a few weeks and I can\'t seem to get my feet underneath me again. Then this mediation and I\'m so damn confused. He still won\'t admit she is his girlfriend, although he will admit other things like they may move in together. I don\'t get it. He definitely isn\'t trying to keep me holding on. It would please him to no end if I just let go (maybe that\'s why I don\'t). We were able to get through and agree on some things. Other things are going to be left to the judge to decide. Scary thought that some stranger who doesn\'t know us or him or our kids will be deciding such important issues in their little lives.
It\'s been a year and a half since he walked out. I still struggle but he\'s so far gone we aren\'t even in the same race anymore. And yet I still choke from the poisonous exhaust he blows in my face as he leaves me as fast as he can. How does someone close, no slam, the door to their past life so completely.
How can he just not care??? I fight within myself, half of me wants to work with him and be friendly, but when I do that, I end up disappointed and hurt and it costs me psychologically. The other half of me wants to hate him and keep reminding myself he\'s my enemy. But that is not my nature and it costs me too. If I could, I think I\'d move away and hopefully never see him again. But the kids are a factor and that\'s not possible. At times
I consider teaching him a lesson by letting him have all the kids so he can run his butt off and struggle with money and deal with all that I have to deal with. But I couldn\'t do that to the kids and I would go crazy without them. Plus, there\'s the legal consequences of leaving them with him. His girlfriend has 3 kids (2 that live with her) so they would end up with 5 kids. It would be interesting to see that play out.
Talk to me my friends... I need some wise and encouraging words. The holidays are an especially hard for a lot of reasons and I\'m in a bad place. I just can\'t seem to accept my situation. My life is falling to pieces and I never seem strong enough to get to where I need to be.
I was emailing the stbx for a while \"talking\" a little bit, finally about what happened and then it ended quickly when it came to his girlfriend and talk of her moving in with him. During that time when we were friendly, I felt okay, like we can be friends. Then he shut me down again and I was left feeling awful and alone again. I\'ve been struggling with that for a few weeks and I can\'t seem to get my feet underneath me again. Then this mediation and I\'m so damn confused. He still won\'t admit she is his girlfriend, although he will admit other things like they may move in together. I don\'t get it. He definitely isn\'t trying to keep me holding on. It would please him to no end if I just let go (maybe that\'s why I don\'t). We were able to get through and agree on some things. Other things are going to be left to the judge to decide. Scary thought that some stranger who doesn\'t know us or him or our kids will be deciding such important issues in their little lives.
It\'s been a year and a half since he walked out. I still struggle but he\'s so far gone we aren\'t even in the same race anymore. And yet I still choke from the poisonous exhaust he blows in my face as he leaves me as fast as he can. How does someone close, no slam, the door to their past life so completely.
How can he just not care??? I fight within myself, half of me wants to work with him and be friendly, but when I do that, I end up disappointed and hurt and it costs me psychologically. The other half of me wants to hate him and keep reminding myself he\'s my enemy. But that is not my nature and it costs me too. If I could, I think I\'d move away and hopefully never see him again. But the kids are a factor and that\'s not possible. At times
I consider teaching him a lesson by letting him have all the kids so he can run his butt off and struggle with money and deal with all that I have to deal with. But I couldn\'t do that to the kids and I would go crazy without them. Plus, there\'s the legal consequences of leaving them with him. His girlfriend has 3 kids (2 that live with her) so they would end up with 5 kids. It would be interesting to see that play out.
Talk to me my friends... I need some wise and encouraging words. The holidays are an especially hard for a lot of reasons and I\'m in a bad place. I just can\'t seem to accept my situation. My life is falling to pieces and I never seem strong enough to get to where I need to be.
Where do you need to be? Write it down to make it concrete. The write the steps down to get you there. Each day accomplish those steps until you get were you need to be.
There is no time table, I wish there was, then we could say ok...16 months 4 more and I will be right as rain. Nope doesnt work like that...We all get to where we are going on our own time. In our own way (with a loth of help from our friends).
You are moving forward, your asking for advice, your venting...Kepp doing it!! Its important, and so are you my friend.
Much love to you!!
Sending you big hugs and positive vibes - stay strong.
Try the no contact as much as you can. Don't call him. If you have to let him know something, email him. If he calls you, don't answer. Let it go to a machine. When you feel like it, listen to the message.
Hugs.
Be strong, it will get easier.
The mediation is to negotiate your financial, property and child issues and as hard as it is, try and concentrate on that. You are right about the judge deciding, and I said exactly that to my ex, do you want judge to decide our future? Work on that, because you can not go back and change that, and if any of us are in emotional fog and comsumed with anger mixing emotional and financial issues when you are negotiating for your future you will regret it. This idea that being friends with the ex comes up all the time on here, you have to remain neutral when you have children, especially young children, friends usually doesn't work.
You said it in your last paragraph, I can't accept my sitution. That is the hard part, and no matter what we all are forced into this. I can not imagine having this happen with a new baby and the holidays. I hope you are getting outside support, a therapist or someone that you can talk to too, I see in your profile you did at one time. That one on one contact in person will help. It will get better, and it is hard. You are struggling and any for most of us contact with a stbx or an ex leaves us reeling, with small children it may not be practical to do no contact. But try hard to limit it to "business". Hang in there, you have a lot going on, and at least you are both trying to negotiate. Hugs
Secondly, I ask myself almost everyday how he can just not care about me anymore after 23 years. There is NO answer to that. Even he couldn't give you an answer to that. They just turn it off - all feelings and good memories they had for us are gone. Cyberspace - who knows. But remember they have started the "leaving" process long before they let us go.
Last - I know exactly how you feel about dropping it ALL in his lap. I have thought about this a lot lately because of our deparing financial position. I think, I can get a little apartment for myself and make out just fine, let him handle all this BS". But, like you, my kids come first and I cannot do that to them even though I would love to do it to my stbx.
At this point you need to start realizing that none of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong. However, you also need to accept that you cannot change the path of this divorce by being "friendly" with him. His mind is made up and there's nothing you or anybody else can do about it. I know this sounds harsh, believe me I've gone through the same heartache exactly, but it's the cold hard truth.
I hurt for you. I wish you so much happiness and strength. Be good to yourself first and foremost. Try to let go of the heartache of the past and concentrate on the happiness and joy in your future. Big hugs.