File. Not being honest and being secretive about finances is a big red flag. Newly unemployed, you need help with getting child support and spousal support. One year of getting his act together because he is 'messed up' is enough. He is probably, right now, hiding money from you so you get nothing if you divorce. He is not being honest with you, not paid child support and not told you what his plans are for the future.
File now, get rid of him. He already said he should have filed by now so do it for him. He is up to something and it's not in your best interests. You need to protect yourself.

BTW. You are not being mean or revengeful. You have been extremely patient and much too understanding.

I appreciate your directness and honesty - I do feel as though I've tried to be compassionate and understanding but the financial thing pushed me over the edge...Too many times after payday (paying bills, buying groceries etc) I was left with very little to live on for the next two weeks. I guess maybe I was hopeful and stubborn - wanting to prove that I wasn't "co dependent" or "needy" (HATE those words)! Anyway, you've helped me to see things in a better light... Now if only my heart would get on board... :(

Being secretive about the finances is a huge red flag. I agree with jljlost. It's time to give up on him. He's not doing the best thing for both of you. He's doing the best thing for him!

Get copies of all the current statements if you can. Even old copies of past statements with account details will help.

Looks like you already have an attorney. The other thing that helped me, and many of the others here, was a good therapist.

If you feel bad about springing the divorce papers on him, you can always change your mind and let him know before he gets them. I suspect he won't be surprised.

love and hugs
kamary

If you have been separated for a year, NO you are not being "mean or resentful" -- you are STANDING UP for YOURSELF! The fact that he is now being tightfisted with money is a huge red flag, as the others have already said.

Assuming you have an attorney, I strongly urge you to not only file for divorce as soon as possible, but to also FILE FOR TEMPORARY SUPPORT! That alone can take several months to be set in place and if you are unemployed, can wreak havoc on your living situation.

Well I may be jaded because of all the stories I have heard like this not turning out well. He is either having you wait in the wings, or setting you up so when the inevitable divorce happens, it's all in his favor. Filing for divorce is taking control over your life. By doing so you can work toward YOUR future so you can make plans. Right now you are just living in limbo. Limbo is hell. You don't need to say anything about it yet if it makes you anxious. Of course he won't like it because he isn't the one taking action. When it is time to serve the papers you can either give him a heads up or surprise him with being served. I think what you wrote is all you have to say, " I love you, but I I can't keep doing this."

I would definitely NOT give this a$$clown a "heads up" about filing. Makes it way too easy for an already slippery stbx to AVOID SERVICE of those papers. It also weakens the underlying statement you hope to make by SERVING those papers -- that being you are tired of this crap and you are taking charge of YOUR LIFE.

He's been keeping money and information from you and leaving you hanging for too long. That's no longer a marriage, it's an abusive situation.
Please prepare and move forward without telling him you're doing so. You wouldn't advertise where you hide your valuables to a burglar, and it's apparent he's stealing from the family. I'm sorry you're in this spot, but do what you can to mitigate the damage he is doing to you and your kids, and he can worry about the fallout later. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Thanks all for the good advice. My attorney emailed me today to let me know that they've petitioned the court for temporary orders and she likes the assigned judge as well, which is good news. Next, I have to let her know where to serve him and since I don't know the address of where he's currently living - it'll have to be at his new job or he can agree to pick up the information from the attorney. Still sucks and hurts but I do feel a sense of relief in knowing that financial help is on the way and that I'm no longer waiting on him to decide my future. I'd like to say to myself - what the hell was wrong with you for waiting so long, but I think I had some growing and strengthening to do before I could get myself to this point...One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...sigh...

Good on you, Kristin. You're doing well.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you, Kamary. :)

IMO you're being realistic and practical. Depending upon where you live the rules may be slightly different, but I found the book 10 Mistakes Men Make in Divorce by Cordell very helpful in getting a good soup-to-nuts understanding (to set my expectations). I'm a woman so it's not targeted at me, but knowing about it from 'his' perspective is helpful.

One thing you'll read about in it is that 'if' he's hiding money and 'if' you catch him on it, then the court turns 100% of that over to you. You'll also read about the advantage in 'filing first' (ie if it goes all the way to dispute & testimony in court, you get to present first - which is a big advantage & puts him on the defensive in having to respond 1st before he can make points/accusations of his own).

I am good with financial stuff so I know some about how/where a spouse could skim & hide funds. It's not as easy as you'd think - at least not unless he's willing to tangle with the IRS. Tax returns, bank stmts, and pay stubs are where you start - and just follow the money and track every dollar earned into the bank. If he owns a business, let me know via msg and I'll share more thoughts - but it's too technical for here. Then review all of the expenses looking for payments to family or friends or for sizeable purchases that don't make sense. Have your attorney send a letter to his current & former employers asking them to disclose any deferred compensation he's earned. A friend at the IRS told me that it's also possible to subpoena nearby banks requesting them to report any accounts in his name.

You've got this. Good luck.

Whew!! SO MUCH to think about! I don't know where he'd get a lot of extra money but he does work a second job once or twice a week...I've never seen those pay stubs. He also just started a new job this past Monday and I don't know what his salary is. My attorney is aware of these things and will be looking into getting stmts etc. it's crazy how he used to be so upset at my first ex for not providing health insurance and dodging child support and he's doing the SAME things now!!! I wonder if you ever really know someone...