So true--I have always likened my situation to spinning plates. Just when I would get one set spinning perfectly, ex would do an about face and change everything and I would have to start spinning a new set (while still keeping the old setting spinning away).

Exhausting.

Yup...very true. My ex moved from crisis to crisis. I spent so much time and effort putting out his fires I became exhausted and extremely stressed. I'm almost certain thats why I got so sick. When we got back together the 2nd time I thought things had changed...NOT! Again...crisis after crisis. I was heading towards remission and new that if I was going to get better and maintain it....I would have to change how I did things. Well...he dumped me again...that definitely changed things. I am solidly in remission and holding. Someday I may thank him...Big Hugs...Kathy

Yeah, I had a close friend of mine tell me I was stupid for wanting to try again with him. Then a counselor said, "You gave him 27 years. Just how much time does he need?" Now, looking back, I can see the wisdom in walking completely away when they walk the first time. People resist change so much they don't want to see it coming. But really,

Hope isn't necessarily for getting back who has left us behind, hope is for making your life better after they walk away.

I agree with so much of what the wise members above have said. Certainly, before April 2, 2010, I believed that there is no way a partner could NOT know as a marriage moved to the end. But, while I may have ignored some signs through my overfunctioning (seems to be where most of us lived) I certainly felt blindsided....and now have learned through the many books, articles, conversations that I am sadly in good company.

Hope, healing, and moments of peace to all who find themselves in this unexpected place.

Jodi

I had to play nursemaid to his tantrums for so long that I knew that as soon as my children were old enough and working I would vamoose and say adios amigo. It is just what he did that really drove me to the edge, I was not financially or emotionally ready to give up my house. Not him just the house But now I have a nice condo a bit cramped but nice and I am happy. If only my daughter would keep it a bit cleaner. oh well, that is life, you cannot have everything

Great quote Kathi! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing with us Cowgirl, and thanks for your daily support and presence here on DS. You are a blessing! "hugs"!!!!

Yes, I was one of those that thought you should stay together for the kids. I focused on the family, the kids, home and hearth. I believed my suffering was for a good cause. Once he knew I was sticking it out for the kids his abuse became worse and more blatant.

Sadly until he abused me so wretchedly, I judged others harshly that weren't putting up with the abuse for the kids sake. Because I was. I honestly had no idea how bad my own situation truly was for me and my children. The best thing I ever did was break away from him and start out on my own.

I applaud the courageous women here who said "Enough!"
For you and those who were blindsided I hope someday you will find that you are in a far better life than the one you are leaving behind.

Kathi - this is a great quote to contemplate. I was definitely there... it's a good way to understand how we could be blindsided like that even though deep down - we should have known better for a very long time.

While we had talked about the WHAT IF only one time a year prior, I was led to believe things were getting better between us, not worse, until he woke me up from a sound sleep and told me he was leaving. Only that afternoon did I learn that he had consulted with an attorney and made arrangements to leave me.

that is a good quote.