First off you did not fail your family by not staying with him, you showed your children not to put up with that kind of treatment so they will know what is acceptable and what is not for themselves latter on !! That was a big positive!
Try to see the things you have not what you don't, like respect and strong moral character! Very good traits!
I'm sure seeing your ex seemingly doing so well can sting but can he hold his head up with pride, i would not think so and if he does he is fooling himself!
You must be very proud of yourself being certified in drug and alcohol counseling, that is a great accomplishment.
Maybe try doing meet ups and things like that sounds like you are over due for some fun.

hugs

A big "I agree" to Iquitnow. You did the right thing in showing your children not to stay in bad relationships, to stand up for yourself and do what's right.

One of the things I found helped me to move on and find pleasure in my new life was to stop comparing my new life to his new life. The truth is, you only see from the outside anyway, and you can't be sure he has heaps of money or heaps of happiness etc etc. Leopards rarely change their spots.

Live your own life so that you feel good about you when you go to bed at night. Be grateful for all the good things that happen to you and that come your way every day. Allow yourself to feel the joy and peace of your new life. Make your life count on a daily basis.

Do something every day that makes you feel good. Help others or make your children smile. Tell someone else they look good, or make you feel happy. When it all boils down, it's the love you share that brings you happiness.

love and hugs
kamary

Perhaps you are still trying to find your way, but don't be daunted by appearances! There are so many illusions in life and seeing your X riding a motorcycle and involved with yet another woman says NOTHING about what's really going on with him.

The only thing you need to be thinking about at this stage of the game is YOU -- what YOU are doing; how YOU are carving out this new life for yourself and what makes YOU feel peaceful and satisfied.

You did NOT FAIL ANYONE by refusing to stay with that man! To have done so would have sent the wrong message to your children AND would have just contributed to a slow death of your spirit.

Hold your head high and KNOW that you did the right thing for yourself, your kids and for your future! Get out there and explore -- there are all sorts of experiences to be had in life -- you just have to look for them and then take the opportunity!

Big squeezy hugs to you! It does get better, but you have to work at it!

I agree with the others--you didn't fail--HE FAILED when he chose to ignore your wedding vows and sleep with another woman. HE VIOLATED YOUR TRUST--you have no reason to feel like a failure.

You cannot compare your life to his. I did that for a while with my ex and early on decided that thinking would bring me nothing but pain. I was envious of all of his material things: new vehicles, lavish vacations, a new house, a nice boat. I was envious until I realized that I could have those things, if I really wanted them, but I decided that it wasn't all that important. I am now buying a house and I take vacations. I don't want a boat because it's a pain in the butt, and I can live without a car payment~lol!. Think about what YOU WANT and need.

I am concerned that four years later, you still carry so much pain and emptiness. I suggest you see a counselor about this (I mean this in the nicest way). It sounds like you're "stuck' which is common in this process. You need to learn some coping techniques to help you move on.

And Cowgirl Kathy is right--don't be fooled by appearances. My ex puts on all those appearances and from everything I can surmise and see, he is truly one unhappy person. I think he is learning that the unhappiness that he thought I caused was within him all along. He is angry and bitter and lives with the skank ho/now wife, a controlling, jealous, insecure woman. He made his bed. Yes, he puts on appearances, but I don't believe for a minute he's happy.

I go from thinking my stbx is having a great time, living on the beach with the OW, to knowing he is a miserable petty man who will never be happy. Appearances aren't always what they seem.
Please get a good counselor-you deserve to not be suffering.
Know we are here for you :)

I know how it is thinking they have moved on and are living this wonderful life. Everything is not always as it seems. Just remember that and I also agree that if 4 years later, your still having these kinds of feelings - you probably should go see someone and talk about it.

I don't know how long it takes, but seems like it wouldn't hurt to get a little help.

You did the right thing. You know you did - and you know that focusing on yourself is exactly what you need to do.

I feel you - it does bring back all those memories and feelings - but just remember sometimes we remember things a lot better than they really were. It's a illusion - but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. (Hugs) -

You'll be OK...

I think it's hard no matter what. If he was depressed (like my STBXH) you might wish he'd find some happiness so you could move on.

Being around other people who appear to be doing well is hard when you are struggling. For the last year (while I was together with my unhappy husband) whenever I saw a cute happy couple holding hands I wanted to run up and kick them. I know it's silly, but true.

I think it's a natural feeling, it drives us to succeed some times, but we should always try to live well and true. Remember the tortoise and the hare... slow and steady wins the race.

hugs,
Jenny

You ladies are absolutely the best! You never steer me wrong on the days I struggle with the worse. You wouldn't know by my post that I truly have grown in leaps and bounds. I also know that having a man in my life does not define me as a person. Yes, I do have my pity parties when I think me ex has the world by the toes. But I also know part of him has to be miserable! I was a faithful damn good wife to him. Just pissed I missed out on so much raising our kids while he ran with his friends and of course slept with his cousins wife!! Now is mt time! Life does go on and I am doing better. Just hoping I will feel like dating at some point. If not I will be just fine:) thanks so much for your support and words of encouragement.

The others are so right...never judge the book by its cover. Take my ex for instance...he lives in a cute little house with a huge ocean view...he has 3 vehicles parked in his yard...he has a new live in girlfriend...lots of friends and a very nice dog. The reality...he has been unemployed for 11/2 years...he's about to loose his house...the vehicles...one is his moms and the other 2 are his girlfriends...his girlfriend is there to help pay the mortgage...he says he doesn't love her...he isnt with his children...he misses out on family gatherings...he's playing dad to someone elses children...hell...even the dog isnt his. So..dont get to caught up in envy.

You know who you are...you know what you have...its all real. Dont let his false fantasy life interfere with your reality. Sure things may get tough...it may be hard sometimes to make ends meet but you know what the obstacles are...you know what you need to do to overcome them. I wouldnt want my ex's life for anything...I'm betting my bottom dollar that you wouldnt either if you knew the truth...Big Hugs...Kathy

Kathy that list is music to my heart. I try very hard not to be vindictive, to wish ill upon others, but when I hear that someone is getting their just desserts, there is music.

It just goes to show, ""what you see isn't always what you're looking at"".

One thing for sure I do not want ex stbx life, no thank you. He has as much freedom as an inmate does. His mother along with big sis controls his every move. I can go and come as I please, cook what I like, if I feel like it. Appearances can be deceiving. So do not compare his life with yours. You are way ahead than he is, in all aspects of it.