Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was married to my ex-husband for 20 years. He was verbally and emotionally abusive after 13 years. I always wondered why he turned into a monster and had no idea why he would treat me the way he did. He finally shared with me after he found out that his cousin's wife had unsafe sex and was pregnant that he slept with her on and off for years! I had no clue. He told me that he thought she was "safe" and I needed to get myself checked for STD's. I left and divorced him. Not easy for a SAHM who had no worth to him. I was always belittled and was told I wasn't pulling my weight, would never amount to anything in life and that I was a lazy b****. I have now moved on and I am doing well for myself. My struggle is my 17 year old daughter tells me that my ex constantly is asking if I have a boyfriend, tells her that I will never find another man. He tells her that I was lazy for staying home with our kids and I was not a good wife. I did everything for him!!! All he did was work and come home. He would buy cars, fix the motors and resell them and would refuse to give me an extra dime for anything. (At one time I found $10,000 in the garage in cash) My punishment for not "working and helping with the bills". He refuses to help with anything extra for my daughter. I have sent her on a mission trip twice with no help from him. He said that I don't pay half for him to take my daughter on vacation. Are you kidding me? My daughter is fed up listening to him constantly tear me down! He has been living with another woman for 3 years but I am still the one he wants to talk about. Any advice? I don't talk him or see him as I have nothing for that dude.
good on you for sending her on her missions, but it looks like he has no intention of helping with that. Let him go.
love and hugs
kamary
See if your daughter is willing to tell her dad she has heard enough. She does not want or need to hear what he has to say about you because she knows you already. She doesn't want to be put in the middle of anything. If he has something to say, tell him to say it to you, not her. More important, tell her not to react. Tell her to act like she didn't hear a word he said. Don't reply to his comments. Don't react to what he says. Don't even acknowledge he said anything. After awhile he will stop because he is not getting any attention or reaction from her. My daughter did that and it worked.
My daughter is 14 and she has had many a fight with her dad over him bashing me. She will tell him she is leaving the room because he has no right to talk about her mom that way. She has also told him that he has no right to discuss me because after four years apart he doesn't know me
She tells him to stop asking her things about me because its none of his business.
Now for the most part he doesn't say anything.
I would get your daughter to stand up for herself
You could ask she not discuss him around you, but that also leaves her without support FROM you in what must be a terrible spot. I think I would allow her to tell me what she wants, hear her, really listen, and only address how she feels, leave him completely out of your response. "How are you feeling when you hear this...?" "How do you think you could change this?" "What kind of changes do you have control over?" Things like that.
You're not reacting to him, you're encouraging her to take responsibility for her choices as well as to stand up for herself and work through what must be very strong emotions. Best wishes for you both. She's lucky to have you!
He's still emotionally connected to you someway that's why he's doing it. Good bad or the ugly - you can't fix or control other people, but you do have the ability to set your own boundaries. So does your daughter. If we have learned anything from divorce, it's that! Your already a pro at boundary setting because you left the jerk. I hope your daughter has a bit of your spunk for her sake.
For your sake, you could tell her you don't want to hear anything about him, but I know what it's like with daughters - you want them to be able to talk to you about anything, even that! Your a good Mom and she's a smart girl.
Keep on smiling :)
You must be very proud of her! Re her relationship with her dad, my ex is also a cheap SOB but....he is still my boys dad! I comment here and there about him, and they are all old enough to laugh it off with 'oh, that's just Dad' type of comments. Point is....he's still her father. She's angry now, and rightly so, if he's not been fair interms of doing for her what he's done for her brother. Just support her and tell her that you're behind her all the way. She's a smart girl!
Almost sounds like your ex doesn't have any respect for women in general. Many men believe women are not as good as men, that they are second class citizens, that they are here to serve men....
My ex refused to hire someone who was most qualified to be a partner in his practice, but since it was a woman he didn't hire her. He settled for the second best, a man.
You have a very strong daughter. I'm proud of her. I'm sure you are too. She is going to feel hurt by the way he treats her, but remind her she is a strong woman who deserves respect. Though it hurts now, she will have learned a valuable lesson for her future.
You are a great mother!
I'm sorry they came to blows. Does that mean he hit her? She's right to go no contact with her own father. He sounds like a dreadful piece of work. You don't have to stay in contact with him, do you?
love and hugs
kamary