Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Haven\'t been here in a while but just wanted to check in. I do check and read up on people every now and then. Anyway, I wanted to let those who have supported me know what is happening with my life.
My divorce is almost final. We have gone to trial and we are now waiting for the judge\'s rulings. In the meantime, my baby celebrated her 1 year birthday on the first. The STBX son of a bitch didn\'t participate as usual, which was fine with me. He\'s only had one 2 hour visit with her and claims he bonded enough with her during that time that she is now ready to be introduced to his mistress! He has moved in with the whore and so my other 2 kids are forced to live with her and him 50 percent of the time. I fought that in court but no word yet. They are in regular therapy now.
I was devastated by the trial. He didn\'t have an attorney so he cross examined me himself and he was cruel and mean and I couldn\'t believe how low he was being. It hurt more coming directly from him than I think it would have had he had an attorney. I just kept thinking the \"betrayal is complete now\". I was doing okay but after the trial I slid back into depression and am fighting my way back again. Valentines day of course was a tough day. Knowing the man I considered the love of my life was screwing some other woman. And he had the kids.
Right after the trial I had some anger that was overwhelming but no anger since. It scares me that I haven\'t really had an anger phase because he has done so many horrible things that I SHOULD be angry about, but I\'m just not. Anyone else with that problem?
I\'m trying really hard now to let go. It\'s hard because I feel like we haven\'t had any closure. I still have trouble accepting all this. I live day to day, minute to minute but it\'s not really living. It\'s existing. I\'m tired of just existing. I want to live. For that I have to let go and that is so hard to do. How do you let go when there is no closure? I want to move away but the children are involved and I don\'t believe the courts would let me. So in the meantime I am still forced to deal with the stbx and his whore. He\'s even told me to take back my maiden name because he wants his back. Has anyone ever heard of something so cruel? He won\'t even give me the courtesy of sharing the same name as my children! I know he can\'t make me change it, but I am thinking about it. But if he remarries, she will have the same name as my children and I won\'t. How unfair is that!
How do I let go?
My divorce is almost final. We have gone to trial and we are now waiting for the judge\'s rulings. In the meantime, my baby celebrated her 1 year birthday on the first. The STBX son of a bitch didn\'t participate as usual, which was fine with me. He\'s only had one 2 hour visit with her and claims he bonded enough with her during that time that she is now ready to be introduced to his mistress! He has moved in with the whore and so my other 2 kids are forced to live with her and him 50 percent of the time. I fought that in court but no word yet. They are in regular therapy now.
I was devastated by the trial. He didn\'t have an attorney so he cross examined me himself and he was cruel and mean and I couldn\'t believe how low he was being. It hurt more coming directly from him than I think it would have had he had an attorney. I just kept thinking the \"betrayal is complete now\". I was doing okay but after the trial I slid back into depression and am fighting my way back again. Valentines day of course was a tough day. Knowing the man I considered the love of my life was screwing some other woman. And he had the kids.
Right after the trial I had some anger that was overwhelming but no anger since. It scares me that I haven\'t really had an anger phase because he has done so many horrible things that I SHOULD be angry about, but I\'m just not. Anyone else with that problem?
I\'m trying really hard now to let go. It\'s hard because I feel like we haven\'t had any closure. I still have trouble accepting all this. I live day to day, minute to minute but it\'s not really living. It\'s existing. I\'m tired of just existing. I want to live. For that I have to let go and that is so hard to do. How do you let go when there is no closure? I want to move away but the children are involved and I don\'t believe the courts would let me. So in the meantime I am still forced to deal with the stbx and his whore. He\'s even told me to take back my maiden name because he wants his back. Has anyone ever heard of something so cruel? He won\'t even give me the courtesy of sharing the same name as my children! I know he can\'t make me change it, but I am thinking about it. But if he remarries, she will have the same name as my children and I won\'t. How unfair is that!
How do I let go?
I know you've been through so much. My heart aches for you and your children. It's been a horrific ride you've been on. All because of this one man. No man, who can treat you so poorly, is worth the pain you've endured. You have SO much to give. There are SO many wonderful human beings out there that would give anything to share a life with someone as beautiful as you are. Don't let him have this control over you. Let him go. He's not worth it. YOU are.
Much love,
Nanc
On the one hand...with older children one doesn't have to face the devastation of them "having" to be around the other woman if they choose not to. On the other hand..younger children seem to adjust a bit faster to the new situation because they simply do not have the capacity to understand exactly what's going on.
It's a horrid situation all around. I can't imagine how cruel and outrageous it must be to have ones children around the other woman (man) when we don't even know anything about them,.,,I cringe at the thought..it just isn't right..is it? We can interview and check references on a babysitter/nanny but have no say in the new partner who will be caring for our little ones.
Sorry Fatal love...but he sounds like a complete Bastard...let her have him and be welcome to him...you deserve so much more.
Huge hugs to you and your children. Things can only get better!
Maybe one day he will figure out how wrong he really was.
Many hugs.
I am so sorry that you have to share your kids with this OW. I can only offer my support on this as I do not have that issue, yet. But I know someday I will and I know it will hurt. Especially if they like her.....uuggghhhh!!!!. Just stay strong and know in your heart of hearts your children will NEVER love her as they love you.
As for the personal cross examination.....how sad that the court allowed this in a divorce situation. That just seems wrong to me. How insensitive can the court system be to allow that. Salt in the wound....just plain wrong. I am sorry his words and actions have hurt you, but you are right when you say the only way for you to move on is to let him go. Let him go completely.....acceptance is the KEY to moving on. Once you have completely accepted this you will feel so much better. It isn't easy by any means, but it is necessary.
Hugs to you sweetie. Even though you may not feel like it, you are stronger than you think and you can get through this hurt and pain. I believe in YOU!!!!!
You are a very good person and a great mother~ You do not have to change your name...he does not have the ability to tell you what to do. Do what you want, not what he wants. No mnatter what happens, you are their mother, not that bitch! You just continue to be the great mom you are and focus on you and your children. If he pops into your mind, focus on the flippin ASS he has become. Do not allow any affectionate thoughts in your head...he doesn't deserve affection. I believe when you focus on how he has treated you and your children and you focus on that, you will hit your anger stage. He is WRONG, not you!
He has torn you apart for too long! You keep rebuilding and don't allow him that power anymore! He only has the power to destroy his life...not yours!
Big hugs to you!
My situation is much different but I can empathize.
When I got to court the ex didn't want the divorce and I did. I had been unhappy for many years but we had three children together also.
I know things will get better for you and it sounds like he doesn't deserve equal custody. It sounds like he has unfair advantages.
I know it's hard but maybe it will be better to drop his name because you are a worthy person without it and you deserve better than that.
The new girl friend doesn't understand all that you've been through with him.
Take one day at a time and things will get better. Try divorcecare.com
it really helped me a lot and they have groups all over the place if you go to their website you can find one near your home.
Try get some family and friend support if you can too.
hang in there!