Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello all, I am new to this forum. I have been on other forums but I am just looking for some new insights and perspectives.
I am 54 years old. I was married for 24 years. We had a child together and I raised her son from a previous marriage from the time he was 5 years old.
I have been divorced for almost a year. The divorce went very quickly and I tried to be cooperative. My cooperation did not achieve the results that I desired (reconciliation) and I reacted very badly - lashing out, arguing, begging, pleading and finally just cutting off all communication.
Now, I just can't seem to pull myself out of the rut I am in. I feel as though I am just bouncing along the bottom and my life is going nowhere.
The divorce was not something I wanted even though I had been unhappy for several years. I felt as though once our kids left, she started to pull away. I assumed it was just the natural ebb and flow of marriage. When she told me it was over I wanted to work it out. She said it was a waste of time.
I realize now that a lot of my unhappiness was due to me holding onto hurts and resentments that had occurred over the years She told me she "doesn't even think about" having sex with me because she is just had too many things going on in her life. She did not support me, when I faced the worst financial situation in my life (filing bankruptcy due to the mortgage meltdown) she just said "you do what you want to do, I don't want to know about it". These were things that hurt me deeply and I wonder, was I right to be hurt? In both of these instances I had approached her to explain where I was and how I felt. Maybe these were signs I ignored?
I understand I was not happy. I understand that she did not set out to hurt me. I understand that both of us were simply doing the best we could and that really neither of us had a freaking clue how to talk to each other, listen to each other, understand each other or make it work. Or maybe she really didn't care?
She left without explanation, other than to say "we talked about these things until we were blue in the face" I am still wondering what these things are. I feel like without knowing these things I can't resolve and move forward. Whenever I "settle" on an explanation and attempt to rationalize it so I can move on, I am immediately confronted with all of the other possibilities of what these things might have been - was I a bad lover, am I just a depressing person, was there someone else, am I so flawed that she would rather be by herself than have me around?
I try not to think about this stuff. I try to stay active and engaged. I exercise. I have pursued different hobbies. I have moved to a new city. I have lost weight. I have read books. I have listened to speakers. I have researched and go to counseling. I feel that I have grown tremendously in my understanding of myself, her, my marriage, the whole concept of marriage, and life in general. But I just feel so apathetic, disinterested, detached, disconnected, depressed and full of anxiety.
I try thinking about all of the opportunities I have now that I didn't have a year ago. But I have not been able to embrace them.
I try to remain hopeful and optimistic. I just don't know sometimes. How long will this last? What can I do? What should I do? What am I not doing? Please chime in,, I am tired of drowing
I am 54 years old. I was married for 24 years. We had a child together and I raised her son from a previous marriage from the time he was 5 years old.
I have been divorced for almost a year. The divorce went very quickly and I tried to be cooperative. My cooperation did not achieve the results that I desired (reconciliation) and I reacted very badly - lashing out, arguing, begging, pleading and finally just cutting off all communication.
Now, I just can't seem to pull myself out of the rut I am in. I feel as though I am just bouncing along the bottom and my life is going nowhere.
The divorce was not something I wanted even though I had been unhappy for several years. I felt as though once our kids left, she started to pull away. I assumed it was just the natural ebb and flow of marriage. When she told me it was over I wanted to work it out. She said it was a waste of time.
I realize now that a lot of my unhappiness was due to me holding onto hurts and resentments that had occurred over the years She told me she "doesn't even think about" having sex with me because she is just had too many things going on in her life. She did not support me, when I faced the worst financial situation in my life (filing bankruptcy due to the mortgage meltdown) she just said "you do what you want to do, I don't want to know about it". These were things that hurt me deeply and I wonder, was I right to be hurt? In both of these instances I had approached her to explain where I was and how I felt. Maybe these were signs I ignored?
I understand I was not happy. I understand that she did not set out to hurt me. I understand that both of us were simply doing the best we could and that really neither of us had a freaking clue how to talk to each other, listen to each other, understand each other or make it work. Or maybe she really didn't care?
She left without explanation, other than to say "we talked about these things until we were blue in the face" I am still wondering what these things are. I feel like without knowing these things I can't resolve and move forward. Whenever I "settle" on an explanation and attempt to rationalize it so I can move on, I am immediately confronted with all of the other possibilities of what these things might have been - was I a bad lover, am I just a depressing person, was there someone else, am I so flawed that she would rather be by herself than have me around?
I try not to think about this stuff. I try to stay active and engaged. I exercise. I have pursued different hobbies. I have moved to a new city. I have lost weight. I have read books. I have listened to speakers. I have researched and go to counseling. I feel that I have grown tremendously in my understanding of myself, her, my marriage, the whole concept of marriage, and life in general. But I just feel so apathetic, disinterested, detached, disconnected, depressed and full of anxiety.
I try thinking about all of the opportunities I have now that I didn't have a year ago. But I have not been able to embrace them.
I try to remain hopeful and optimistic. I just don't know sometimes. How long will this last? What can I do? What should I do? What am I not doing? Please chime in,, I am tired of drowing
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I think it just takes alot of time to get over such a tramatic thing as divorce. You have come to the right place though, we are all going through the same thing and understand what it's like.
It sounds like you're done and are doing the right things but it takes time. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to finish grieving. For me, the "loss of the dream" is what kept me in the funk. Once I finally figured that out with my counselor, I was able to quite doing the "what ifs" and "I should have" and "if only's" and move on with reality.
Another thing I learned through my divorce with all the reading I did was that when a couple fights about the same thing more than 3 times without resolution, they need to get a counselor involved. Otherwise, it never gets resolved and it starts eroding at the marriage. So when you said your x said "we've talked about these things until we're blue in the face" you might think back on what those things were, i.e., sex, money, discipline issues with kids, where to vacation, and maybe other more "feeling" types of issues like "we never spend time together, etc".
When I would start into my funk in the first 2 years I was divorced, I started keeping a journal of what I was thinking during those times and try to put reality to what I was thinking. That was very helpful for me.
You've come to the right place. We've all been where you are. But just remember that you have some more time that needs to go by to complete your healing.
Oh, one more thing. For me, after I got past the 2.5 years, I decided I was going to start working on me. I felt that I was too judgemental. I was too accommodating. I didn't question things enough. So, I started working on those things because I figured that the more healed I was, the better I would choose the next spouse.
I have been married 5 years now and all the time I took to heal and work through my own personal issues has helped me not get back in the rut of dysfunction. Marriage is always a lot of work but so worth it. It's not about being right.
Hang in there.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation but am glad you found us. ALL of us have been exactly where you are at one time or another and we all lived to tell about it. My husband of 23 years left the marriage just about 10 years ago and I thought I truly would die. But, thanks to an amazing therapist, DivorceCare and a handful of true blue friends, I got through it.
One thing my therapist got through to me was that I had to accept the fact that I would probably NEVER get a logical explanation for why it happened. The X simply REFUSED to talk about it and REFUSED to get into marriage therapy with me. In hindsight, that had ALWAYS been the case throughout those 23 years. So, like Caligirl, I took the time to work on MYSELF and MY NEEDS. I have to say I am a much healthier person now than I was then and have grown in leaps and bounds.
You will be ok! You may want to think about finding a qualified counselor or licensed therapist to help you work through the "unfinished emotional business" of the divorce. Get right with yourself and then you will be much better equipped to continue in your new life. A lot of us also went on some form of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication short term to get over the "hump." There's all kinds of help out there and you must reach out for it and embrace it. It's a gift that you can give yourself!
We're here to listen, console, cajole and even give the occasional kick in the pants! I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
Big hugs all around you
xoxo
I am seeing a counselor. It is good to talk to someone.
I tried some anti-anxiety meds early on forst Xanax and then Klonopin. I felt like all they did was mask the symptoms. I have decided I need to face this and beat this on my own.
In the past I had tried anti depressants, but they also didn't really solve my problems they only masked them.
I know I will survive. I am just getting so sicj of being stuck in limbo. It just seems as though I am not able to gain any traction to move forward.
I know there is no going back. I know that I probably will never get an answer. I know that my only choice is to work on me, but sometimes it just feels so pointless.
So what if I lost 20 pounds. So what if I can go compete in a 5k. So what if I conquered my fear and started riding a motorcycle. So what if I can ride 50 miles on my bicycle. So what if can comfortably walk 18 holes of golf.
All of my acheivements just feel empty and meaningless with nobody to share them with. And the real kicker is, that even if I was still married I doubt if my ex would even care. She was always too busy with her life to really care about mine.
I was married for 27. The ex had an affair at year 24. I stayed until I couldn't stand it anymore and eventually asked him for a divorce. I always had a niggling feeling that his behavior would be repeated. He married the woman he had the affair with even though they supposedly 'broke it off and went no contact' after I discovered the affair.
I think the key is when "someone is stupid enough to walk away, we have to be smart enough to let them go." It's their loss.
I am about 1 year and 9 months since my divorce and I promise you it gets better and better every single day.
Welcome to the group. Everyone here is very helpful!
ilostitinthedivorce.com
Hugs,
Donna