Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I am seeing an attorney tomorrow (thank goodness)!
Meanwhile, husband and I are still living together. He threw his ring at me last week in front of our children and shouted, "I'm done!" Since then, the past several days have been hell, naturally.
He went to work, etc. w/out wearing his ring. We are still married and still living together.
My 10 year old daughter (who is acting out and quite distraught), brought the ring to him a few nights ago before bed citing, "Daddy, I saw this in the laundry room." Gave it to him and he put it on his nightstand where it's remained. She knows what's going on and has been acting out, I think, due to much of this.
Kids are at camp this week, Husband goes to work and about his day w/out his ring on. BTW (and this is what is what is bugging me even more), he had become "born again" a few years ago and was very into his faith (reading the bible each day to include daily devotionals, etc.) I am Christian, but not as "hard core" (for lack of better term) as he.
We are still married and under the same roof. He's not wearing it (so he says) because of the turbulence in the marriage and that he's waiting for ME to make a move. Huh?! Not wearing the ring has really bothered me. Meanwhile in the past few days, he's been treating me as a wife ("Can you take so-and-so to the cleaners, do this and that..etc.). Of course, I have not. Really?! Go to work and NOT wear your ring? Is he trying to make others aware of that there? Does he hope a certain woman notices? Huh?
He does not know that I am seeing a lawyer. As far as I know, he has not. He is waiting for me to make the first move yet says he wants to stay together?!
I am confused and pissed. As much as I try to talk to him rationally about all of this, he gets very defensive and it goes nowhere. We've had at least 5 therapists throughout our marriage. Obviously, nothing has worked.
I see attorney tomorrow to know what is I can or cannot do. To figure out what I need to do or cannot do.
My kids are at away camp this week, thankfully. Oh - my b-day is later this week and he rented a cabin in the mountains for 2 days. Keeps saying, "It's non-refundable." Lay on the guilt buddy, but really? He wants ME to go with HIM to a cabin (no TV) for two days and we're not even sharing the same room right now? He planned this mere days before sh*t hit the fan but still...,I don't know what to do about it. I planned on doing my own thing per usual and he surprised me with this (I appreciate the thought but I don't want to be miserable while there. And I really don't like the mountains).
So he's not wearing his wedding ring. Yet he wants to be a pastor one day. Mmmkkkayy....And he doesn't want to lose $ (he is cheap..not being mean but it's true) and hope that I go with him (more than likely a STBX) to some mountain getaway?! And we are fighting? Huh?
ANY words of wisdom welcome. :)
PS: My closest friends and family know that if I go and so happen to "fall" or <insert whatever> to get Dateline involved...lol.
Meanwhile, husband and I are still living together. He threw his ring at me last week in front of our children and shouted, "I'm done!" Since then, the past several days have been hell, naturally.
He went to work, etc. w/out wearing his ring. We are still married and still living together.
My 10 year old daughter (who is acting out and quite distraught), brought the ring to him a few nights ago before bed citing, "Daddy, I saw this in the laundry room." Gave it to him and he put it on his nightstand where it's remained. She knows what's going on and has been acting out, I think, due to much of this.
Kids are at camp this week, Husband goes to work and about his day w/out his ring on. BTW (and this is what is what is bugging me even more), he had become "born again" a few years ago and was very into his faith (reading the bible each day to include daily devotionals, etc.) I am Christian, but not as "hard core" (for lack of better term) as he.
We are still married and under the same roof. He's not wearing it (so he says) because of the turbulence in the marriage and that he's waiting for ME to make a move. Huh?! Not wearing the ring has really bothered me. Meanwhile in the past few days, he's been treating me as a wife ("Can you take so-and-so to the cleaners, do this and that..etc.). Of course, I have not. Really?! Go to work and NOT wear your ring? Is he trying to make others aware of that there? Does he hope a certain woman notices? Huh?
He does not know that I am seeing a lawyer. As far as I know, he has not. He is waiting for me to make the first move yet says he wants to stay together?!
I am confused and pissed. As much as I try to talk to him rationally about all of this, he gets very defensive and it goes nowhere. We've had at least 5 therapists throughout our marriage. Obviously, nothing has worked.
I see attorney tomorrow to know what is I can or cannot do. To figure out what I need to do or cannot do.
My kids are at away camp this week, thankfully. Oh - my b-day is later this week and he rented a cabin in the mountains for 2 days. Keeps saying, "It's non-refundable." Lay on the guilt buddy, but really? He wants ME to go with HIM to a cabin (no TV) for two days and we're not even sharing the same room right now? He planned this mere days before sh*t hit the fan but still...,I don't know what to do about it. I planned on doing my own thing per usual and he surprised me with this (I appreciate the thought but I don't want to be miserable while there. And I really don't like the mountains).
So he's not wearing his wedding ring. Yet he wants to be a pastor one day. Mmmkkkayy....And he doesn't want to lose $ (he is cheap..not being mean but it's true) and hope that I go with him (more than likely a STBX) to some mountain getaway?! And we are fighting? Huh?
ANY words of wisdom welcome. :)
PS: My closest friends and family know that if I go and so happen to "fall" or <insert whatever> to get Dateline involved...lol.
I'm glad that your going to a lawyer - make sure it's a good one - Tough one - and then as far as the vacation is concerned - take your girlfriends and leave him home! - tell him it's your birthday present and you'll do what you want with it!
As far as your children are concerned, the most you can do is be there and be strong for them. Show them lots of support and don't say anything to them about the relationship that they don't need to hear. Simply sometimes growns ups have problems - is enough.
Are you sure there isn't anyone else? It's rarely the case.
Glad you found us - we have been through it or are going through it and are here for support.
My ex mostly refused to see a therapist but I did get him there a few times, and he only co-operated if the therapist was on his side. He had no intention of changing and was already having affairs. It's not a good sign. They don't want to see therapists and they don't co-operate because they don't want to change anything.
It really is up to you whether you've had enough of his hurtful antics or not. My ex could have chosen to leave many times over the years, and he never put any real effort into reconciliations, so who knows why he didn't go. A man once told me it was because I was his maid.
It's a hard decision, and it's yours to make. It looks like he's not going to.
love and hugs
kamary
But I do understand how his taking the ring off affects you. There was a promise to that ring and those marriage vows. Your ex seems really confused or he's trying to push you to get a divorce.
Imagine how I felt when I found pictures of the ex in Trinidad with another woman. I looked at those pictures several times before I realized he was wearing a wedding ring. He took the ring off while he was home. I felt about the way you do now but I gave him what I thought he wanted. A divorce and when it was over he wanted to know when he could come back home. No way was that going to happen. We were no longer married but he was married to his ow.
I would tell your H to go and have a good time at the cabin. That you have other plans.
He can fool man, but God sees, and won't be fooled nor mocked.
Yay! I see a counselor today. Then the attorney.
There is a lot of financial stress and I really think he does not want this to end. This is his second marriage and he's VERY concerned as to how he appears to others but of course, he would have to pay me alimony as I've been a SAHM throughout (worked PT, however). He has a son from marriage #1 so does not want to go down that road of child support/custody/financial hardship again.
He put his ring on this morning but of course, it's because I mentioned it. Maybe he takes it off when he gets to work. Who knows.
Lots to sort out. I THANK GOD I found this site. You all have been so amazingly kind (I will take ANY advice; I want to hear all of it...not just what I "want" to hear). This is my life. My kids' lives. I want to do what is right, even if it means waiting and planning for this. In my heart, I don't feel that this marriage will ever change. I love him but not to the point where we are both miserable. Let him find someone suitable for him. I am OK being alone. I have two girls to raise and frankly do not want another man around them. Of course, open to miracles. :) I'm 48. That's still young, right?
I wish you ALL a glorious day!! Went to a funeral last night and the take away from that was obvious: We only have ONE life. Do whatever it takes to make EACH day your last.
xo
We're all here to help you however we can.
Big hugs around you. xoxo
In saying the next move is up to you, my guess is he is setting you up to be the bad guy. Don't let that deter you from filing if that's what you want to do. Just know as Misred said, he will use this to manipulate, possibly with the children.
I know about working with marriage counselors; my ex and I went that route as well, but it only works if two people are committed to making it work. Sounds like he wants out but wants you to be the bad guy.
It is good you have a counselor to talk to about this.
Keep talking to us here. We will walk the journey with you.
If you are thinking your H might have been trying to reconcile, hence his nice behavior resulting in mixed messages, you might want to seek marriagebuilders.com teaches you a different set skills of responses which promotes the reconciliation process of saving marriage.
As to your kids; never, ever, run their dad down to them. If the only thing you can say is "He and I loved each other when we made you, he still loves you, and I still love you." so be it. Don't lie to them, but they need to know they are loved, they will be safe, cared for, and that will never change, no matter what else.
They will see his behavior, and I'm sorry for that from what he's already done in front of them, and know him for what he is. But if you act with strength and love for your girls, you and they will come through OK, stronger and with love intact.
Take care of them and yourself.
Hugs,
Donna