It sounds like you're making a lot of internal changes, lostwh, and that wouldn't be a good time to go into a relationship. IMO, it's a little soon after your breakup, but there's no reason you can't have a new friend who you can talk to and start to enjoy life again. Maybe she can help you with the changes you're making. Just make it clear from the outset that you only want friendship, and be honest with her.

I'm not ready for a relationship after 5 years apart. I still run a mile if anyone looks at me or asks me out. Everyone moves on at their own pace, and you'll know inside if it's right or not. You've already told us what your inner self is saying - not yet - but is it saying no to a friendship?

love and hugs
kamary

It makes sense to me that your are questioning yourself....if you were in a position similar to me, the end of your marriage (minus the affair near the end) was a complete blow. This means that what you thought to be true was not. For me, all my judgment was thrown into the blender and I had no confidence in my beliefs, decisions etc.

You need friendship and support to companion you through this transition. I believe that a friend, without the possibility of romantic interest, is the best option. Through divorce care and other reading I have learned that for every 4-6 years of marriage, a year of work/healing is needed before one is ready to be in a healthy place for a new romantic/intimate relationship. For me this means 5 years...I'm nearing 4 years since the beginning of the end and am just beginning to see that this may be a possibility for me.

In spite of your confusion, your instincts seem to be accurately in place. Take time, seek support, allow yourself to question and search, yet believe in your value. Seek support that has no strings. Live.

I agree. You seem to have a good handle on things, listen to yourself. You are not ready to be in a romantic relationship and it sets yourself and the woman for more hurt. If she is willing to be just friends than it may be fun to watch movies with her and so forth. But if you think you need time to yourself, that is what you should do.
Do not worry if you walk away from this person that you will not find another woman wanting to be with you. I think a lot of people worry about that. There is always someone down the road when you are ready.

Lost:

You wrote "...The thought of trying to keep someone happy again almost makes me sick."

A HEALTHY relationship ISN'T ABOUT making or keeping someone happy.

Sounds like you could benefit from doing some reading about healthy relationships. Clearly, from what you express you aren't READY to even consider a new entanglement. Nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but you need to make it CLEAR from the get-go that you are only looking for companionship right now and NOTHING MORE.

One of the first steps toward building a health relationship is being able to express your honest feelings with the other person without fear of rejection or reprisal. If she doesn't "get it" -- you have to let it go.

Trust me, the right person is out there and when you are ready, it will happen. But I know from experience that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work ON YOURSELF to get to the stage of readiness.

Be gentle with yourself! Big hugs to you.

Hi lostwh,
I think it's to soon for you to even think about another romantic relationship.
You're not ready my friend . Someday ..YES ..NOT NOW . you'd be asking for trouble and it wouldn't be fair to her either.
You need friendship and support now . Slowly get your life back together .
I do think that she could be your friend , but she must be told that for now there can be no romance and that you are not even considering anything like that . If she understands and excepts that .. OK be friends .
Take care .. TM

You need to give yourself a break and give yourself the gift of time. You are stuck between two worlds..the one you know (the past) and the one you dont (the future). You know what you want but are not in the place within yourself to recognize it nor act on it. That in itself speaks volumes...you are not ready! You have a lot more inner work to do. Questioning everything in your world...including believes...is all part of the process of self transformation. It is very normal. Please listen to that voice on the inside...listen to your feelings...our Higher Self or God speaks to us in very creative ways and you dont have to believe in order hear it...Big Hugs..Kathy

Do you have other close friends to confide in and spend time with?Since you're writing about this one and worried about it, I wonder that you're not in need of a friend right now but worried that she is not the one to provide what you need.

If you are very clear about where you're at in building your new life, and honestly tell her that you'd like to see her but strictly as friends, I don't see the harm of it. But ONLY if you are clear and set boundaries!

Also, I wouldn't go to her house to watch movies. A little to cosy at the start of a friendship. Go OUT to the movies or meet for coffee.

If this all puts you in a tail spin just contemplating setting boundaries with this woman, then....you're just not ready to have 'friends' of the opposite sex right now. Too much pressure! Take care of YOU first and foremost! Best

I had issues about church at the beginning as well. It wasn't that I didn't love God or know He was in my life, but Church seemed too hard. It had always been about family and love and support. I realized that God knew that and Making myself go, hurt worse. I cried every time I went. So, I took some time off, did some counseling on why it was so emotional and worked through that. I go on a much regular basis and for the most part, it's good. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to nurture yourself.

As far as the friend to watch movies with. I will tell you that divorcecare suggests you not have friendships with the opposite sex when you're so vulnerable. It's best to have friends of the same sex. Then you don't have put yourself in a compromising situation. I would listen to your gut and find some good male friends or family to do things with. It's easy to compromise when you're hurting and want validation, even if you go into it without that expectation. Sounds like you're on the right track.

Caligirl, I did not know about Divorcecare saying not to have friends of the opposite sex during recovery or whatever period they say, but it makes perfect sense to me!

Thank you all for your replies, as always they were a great help. CowgirlKathi, I didn't think about it until you pointed it out. I do think of having to try and keep someone happy, when I think of a relationship. I think I always tried to keep her happy in hopes that someday things would somehow turn around. I will read about healthy relationships. caligirl, I feel the sameway you did I was always so used to going to church as a family and now to have to go and set alone is a horrible feeling
I think that I will wait before I try having friends of the opposite sex. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, I just don't want pressure myself. I have along way to go before I'm ready for a relationship. I just want to make sure this next relationship is a healthy one.