Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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lostwh 09/12/2015

In a few minutes it will be the two year annversary of my ex leaving me for the om. I was hoping that some how this date would not bother me or that I might not realize it until it past, but it's kind of hard to miss when it's the day before your birthday. I guess it was her way of getting the last laugh, as if hurting someone that loves you and just wants the same in return is just a joke.
I've been to hell and back the last 2 years and sometimes like tonight I go back to hell. I have learned alot along this terrible journey that was forced on me. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was at the beginning of this,I learned that no matter how much we want things to be like they were,sometimes too much has happened for that. I have also learned that no matter what you do, you can't make some one happy if their not happy with their self.
I tried to work things out with my ex and I admit it was mainly for the sake of the kids. I had a revelation one day that helped me to know that it was truly over. I said something to her about the man she had left me for and her response was that I would have to think of it as I was the one that won the girl. I thought for a minute and asked what did I really win someone that lies and cheats?
I feel so alone right now but I know I'm in a much better place than I was 2 long years ago. I don't know what the future brings and I have alot of decisions to make. I have the fear that I will be alone for ever, and I also have the fear of falling in love again just to end up hurt.
I guess there are no answers to anything other than to keep living and some how try to find myself.

kamary 09/12/2015

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, lostwh. The anniversary dates can be difficult. I didn't put our separation date to memory but I know the exact date the decision was made. In the end, you see it as the date that you were given your freedom and the chance of a new life.

I'm 7 years out and I still have the fears you mention, but they're not as scary as they used to be. I found out a person can live alone quite happily, but I am still worried about allowing myself to fall in love again. I guess I'm going to take longer than most to learn to trust again.

Yes, I think it's a matter of making the decision not to live in the past, not to spend our days in regret and wishful thinking. We have to make the decision to live now, to love ourselves, and to make the most of the life we have been given.

love and hugs
kamary

jljlost 09/12/2015

No one knows what the future will bring. But you are going to have a better future for making the decision you did 2 years ago.
You are stronger, you know you can't make someone else happy, it's up to them, you learned that what we want is not always what we get but we can change our attitude to accept it.
I now how lonely you must feel but it gets better.
Like you said, just keep living, keep moving forward, and the answers will come to you
Big Hug....you will make it.

pickingup 09/12/2015

It is truly amazing how they just are so callous about the things they say to you. I am sorry she thinks it's a win for you to get a cheating, lying woman. It's our journey and we alone can walk it. I know this is wrong but lately, I have been finding solace on how it doesn't work out for the cheaters. I heard about a woman who left her loving husband and 3 young children for her trainer! The husband who provided very well for her begged her to stay. She left and guess what? the trainer didn't stick around either. She flits from man to man and her ex husband is now happily in a 6 year relationship. I wait for the day when I (or we) truly see these people for who they are. I know when we do, it will free us. My soon to be ex has told me that he isn't sure if he loves me, he doesn't like parts of my personality and is not happy with me. And that he can see himself happily married with children with another woman (knowing I have problems getting children.) The nasty, callous things thrown at us should show us how like dirt we allow them to treat us. I am okay though. Yesterday, I put my picture of on two dating sites and I had 35 men who friended me! So, guess what? I am not that much of a loser after all. And you know what? I have to hope there is ONE decent man out there who loves an honest, non-cheating, faithful, loving woman. Same for you. We just have to find ways to make it through. You are so much further along than me.

dairytech 09/12/2015

In August it was my 6th anniversary of the 2nd divorce...it was the first time I didnt feel the loss of my divorce. So...time is a big part of it. Your only 2 years in. Its normal to feel loss. You are doing really well though...so stay the coarse...you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel...Big Hugs...Kathy

PsiChi 09/12/2015

Yes....we have to keep on moving forward. We have no choice....life goes on.

lostwh 09/13/2015

Well, the anniversary date was hell and so was my birthday today. I had my oldest and his girlfriend, my two gradaughters and my youngest son here for my birthday. we had cake and watched the girls play, but I was just going through the motions. I acted like I had a good time but I just couldn't seem to.
If it wasn't for my kids and grandkids, I would sell out and move somewhere and just start over. I just can't believe a date on the calender can set me back so much.

refurb 09/13/2015

got you by a year and i feel the same way.
it is very sad that "we" can't feel the sunshine when it is showering us with good vibes
it is easy for me to see how blessed you are with good sons and extended family
yet i sometimes miss the vibe of my own

if it wasn't for you, your kids and grandkids would be pooched or worse SO realize what you mean to their calendar

Happy Birthday to you lostwh, i'm sad that it feels like it rings hollow, it should not for such a solid man

kamary 09/13/2015

I'm glad you had your kids and grands around you for your birthday, lostwh. When we can't feel the love from others, it's because we're numb. Feeling numb is part of grief. It would be nice at first if you could run away, but then you wouldn't have your family close by and you would miss them. The numbness will pass. It's there because you are afraid to feel the sadness. For now, just go with it and let yourself feel the feelings when they do come up.

Refurb said something that made a lot of sense about how much you mean to your kids and grands. That's something to hold on to when it seems like there's not much worth holding on for.

love and hugs
kamary

hullibee 09/14/2015

I can really relate lostwh my anniversary date for separation is my wedding anniversary. I'll never be able to separate them even if we do reconcile. It's been 1 year since he left to go live with OW. I still cry almost every day. I also shake so much that my voice quivers. I'm a teacher and school started last week. The kids keep asking me if I'm OK. I just take a Xanax and try to move on. I hope it gets better. My adult children are sick of me being sick. I try not to discuss it with them but they can hear it in my voice too. Oh well One Day at a Time.

MNMama 09/14/2015

Hard days for you, sorry for that. I am glad you're able to see that you have strength you didn't realize you had and that you can't make your ex happy, you only have control over your reactions to things.

I'm glad too, that you're realizing that you're worth more than the "booby prize" of a cheating, lying spouse. I still fight with that. Although I realize I couldn't make our marriage work by myself, I still feel like it's my fault that he didn't want me anymore; that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, bright enough, funny enough.....That I'm unlovable. It doesn't make any rational sense based on what we know about addicts, but it doesn't make it fell any less true.

Keep up paying attention to being in a better place than 2 years ago, you're doing well, and keep paying attention to your family. They will continue to help you heal. I know, even when I couldn't feel it after my daughter died, the love and support from them saved my life, and someday, when the "mental anesthesia" of grief wears off, you'll feel the good things again.

Take care.

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